This Week In Tabloids: Charlie Sheen's Dumb Disguise; Angelina's 7th Kid

Wednesdays we play Midweek Madness, masquerading as enthusiasts of Star, Ok!, Us, In Touch and Life & Style. This week, Charlie Sheen’s wearing the “dumbest disguise ever”; Kate Hudson might have breast implants and Lady Gaga is a wedding crasher.

Ok!
“At Last! Baby Brother For Suri!”
A source claims that Katie Holmes “insists” that in the next 12 months, she and Tom Cruise will “welcome another baby into the family.” Then there’s this: “Tom has always said that getting pregnant has to totally be Katie’s decision. Not just because he’s a good guy, but because it’s part of Scientology.” And: “The baby’s soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born.” Um. Okay. Jennifer Aniston’s new fragrance, Lola Vie, refers to Jen’s fave song with the lyrics, “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets,” and “perfectly sums up” her “have-it-all mantra.” Kristen Stewart is “fed up” and “sick of the charade” when it comes to pretending not to be dating Robert Pattinson. While Rob was filming Bel Ami, he phoned, texted and Skyped Kristen constantly, a source says: “On one video chat, he sat with hand in hair and head cocked to the side, just smiling, for minutes. Finally, she giggled, and said, ‘What?’ He said: ‘I just love you. I miss you so much.'” And one million teenage hearts break! An insider says: “He feels so lucky to have found someone so young with such an old soul.” Lastly: Sandra Bullock has been writing in a diary, which allows her to vent all of her emotions. It COULD be made into a tell-all book. Sure, sure.
Grade: F (lampshade on the head)

Life & Style
“Kim’s Revenge Body.”
Shocker: Kim Kardashian has been eating a “healthy mix” of protein and vegetables. “I cut out all carbs,” she says. “I ate a lot of leafy greens and fruit and stuck to my QuickTrim routine.” Scintillating. Moving on: Tori spelling is 93 lbs. She doesn’t eat, and doesn’t even drink water. The mag uses an arrow to point to the “fur” on her upper arms, notes that her eyes are sunken, and claims “She’s showing signs of an eating disorder.” The story also points out: “Tori often overcompensates for extreme thinness by talking up her indulgences. Tori’s Twitter page is filled with accounts of hearty meals and snacks.” Tori allegedly has a 24-inch waist, which the mag illustrates by printing the “actual size” of her jeans’ waistband. We took a tape measure to these jeans and they’re printed 10 inches wide so we don’t know what the hell is going on. Next: Kourtney Kardashian’s “marginally employed baby daddy,” Scott Disick, is developing a line of self-tanning products called Monte Carlo. A-Rod and Cameron Diaz are having “secret hook-ups.” They’re keeping it quiet, but they are “totally together.” The two were seen “all over each other” at a recent CAA party, and Alex recently arranged to fly Cameron to Miami — which he used to do for Kate Hudson all the time. Here’s a line from the Kate Gosselin story: “How does she cope with the stress of parenting 8 children, fighting a court battle with her ex, and juggling her career as a television personality and author? In the past, she’s turned to pills.” The pills in question here are Zoloft and sleeping pills — nothing nefarious. “Stars For Sale” details what celebs charge to make appearances: Kim Kardashian gets $100,000; Heidi Montag makes $25,000; Snooki wants $15,000; Lindsay Lohan will show up for $2500. This was funny: “Brad And Angie Try To Save The World, But They Couldn’t Save This Bunny.” (see image 7) Lastly, when asked who should raise the Gosselin kids, 4% of people surveyed think the children should be raised by wolves (see image 8).
Grade: D- (Groucho Marx-style glasses with nose attached)

Us
“Justin’s Betrayal.”
This story is six pages long, but light on news. When Jessica Biel organized Justin’s birthday party in January, they “looked so happy that night.” But it was all downhill after he told her he was going to take the role of Cameron Diaz’s the love interest in new movie Bad Teacher. Apparently being on the set with Cameron is “like old times” and they are constantly laughing and joking. He thinks Cameron is fun and hot; she would not be opposed to hooking up with him. The more territorial and upset that Jessica gets, the more turned off by her Justin is. And so on. Back in 2007, right after Cameron and Justin broke up, Justin flirted with Jessica at a club and Cameron grabbed him and said, “What is she, your new fucking girlfriend?” Yawn. There’s a sidebar on this story called “Justin’s Horndog History.” Rihanna! Kate Hudson! Some random chick at a night club! Next: Did Kate Hudson get breast implants? (see image 9) In the Sandra Bullock story, a source says: “She knew she was marrying a bad boy, but thought she had reformed him into a wonderful man. She didn’t know he had a double life.” Lastly: If you’re a fan of Ruby, there’s an interesting story about her “painful past,” in which she says: “I’m scared that if someone hurt me when I was a child — verbally, physically, whatever — it would have been someone I love.” She also says that she plans to get her flab surgically removed, maybe in the fall.
Grade: D- (Zorro mask)

Star
“Angie 3 Months Pregnant!”
Star declared that Angelina Jolie was 2 ½ months pregnant back in April 2009, so she should have had THAT baby in October of last year. But! Instead! Now she is 3 months pregnant. Note how the circle with the text “baby #7” appears on today’s cover, as well the cover printed EXACTLY one year ago. “She’s about three months along,” a “family insider” tells Star exclusively. “It’s no accident. Angie has wanted to get pregnant since before she left for Italy.” Wait, she wanted to get pregnant BEFORE filming a movie in which she has a sex scene with Johnny Depp. Huh. “Angelina is in the early stages of pregnancy… She’s been really pale and tired lately. She often has dark circles under her eyes.” If being tired and having dark circles under your eyes means you are knocked up, we have been pregnant FOR YEARS. A source says, on the set of The Tourist, Angie can’t stand for long periods of time, and has asked for a chair to always be handy on breaks. (Don’t stars always have chairs — with their names on them — during breaks?) She requested grape juice instead of wine when filming a scene with Johnny Depp — he loves to drink the real thing, to get into character. She had to go talk to the costume designer, who will do what she can, but the script calls for tight-fitting clothes. And about that shower scene with Depp? Angie will have a closed set — and she is thinking about having a body double for the “really revealing” shots. Also expecting? Jennifer Garner, supposedly. Next: Blind item! “Which multi-tasking actress needs to take a break? With her acting, directing, spokesmodeling and more, it’s no wonder she’s exhausted. But her recent hush-hush hospital stay was a major sign to slow down.” We’re guessing Drew Barrymore. Billy Ray has told Miley Cyrus that from now on, he wants her to wear shorts that are 8 inches above the knee or longer. Thanks to that new Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography of Oprah, there are lots of random rumors here — like that Oprah and Gayle are lovers, and that Oprah stole the 1972 Miss Black Nashville crown. One Christmas, Oprah gave Gayle a check for $1.25 million, “so they could both be millionaires.” Gayle’s ex-husband has said Oprah “ruined” the marriage. There have been rumors that Stedman slept with Oprah’s male hairdresser — and his own gay cousin (?!?) Landscape architect, James van Sweden, who spent weeks at Oprah’s house, tells Kitty Kelley, “I can tell you that there were no men’s clothes in any of Oprah’s closets… I can tell you that Oprah sleeps alone.” In other news, Kristen Stewart told a British paper that Robert Pattinson asked her to marry him, “as a joke — at least I think so.” An insider says, “Rob is so in love with Kristen, he has proposed to her countless times already. He’s just waiting for her to say yes.” A sidebar informs us that KStew and SparkleVamp have “matching shoes, matching hearts.” (see image 10) Months after they started dating, Jenny McCarthy realized Jim Carrey would never marry her. So they came to an “arrangement” in which he would pay Jenny $5 million every year they were together, but she could not reveal any personal stuff about Jim. Like what? A source dishes: “If Jim doesn’t like you, he’ll ignore you and refuse to shake your hand — and stare at you like you’re from outer space. He also locks himself in a room with a statue of Buddha and obsessively prays for hours on end. And sometimes he treated Jenny like a servant — it was embarrassing to watch.” In an article titled “Sex And The Skinny,” an eyewitness says that Sarah Jessica Parker is “so skinny and skeletal.” Dr. Stuart Fischer, who does not treat her but did write the book The Park Avenue Diet estimates that she weighs 96 lbs. Lastly, Candy Spelling offered Tori Spelling $10 million to divorce Dean McDemott, whom Candy feels is a “leech.”
Grade: D+ (fedora and trench coat)

In Touch
“Charlie Caught Cheating”
The craziest thing about this picture of Charlie Sheen wearing a fake mustache is that IT IS REAL. Inside, there are pictures of Charlie leaving some woman’s house in this “disguise”; later he takes off the hood and the mustache and gets fast food (see image 11). He’s been cheating on his wife with Angelina Tracy, “a lingerie model and paid escort” who charges $3,000 an hour. She uses the professional name of Nina, but Margaret and I think “Angelina Tracy” is actually better. The mag has pix of Charlie sneaking in and out of Angelina’s home wearing the hood, sunglasses and a “fake Magnum PI” mustache. An eyewitness also saw Angelina get into Charlie’s chauffeur-driven Mercedes where he was waiting for her with a bouquet of flowers; they started kissing. You’ve gotta love the slug on the upper left hand page of this story, which reads, “What An Idiot.” Also inside: Renee Zellweger is freaking out because Bradley Cooper is shooting a movie with Abbie Cornish; Renee feels that Abbie is the “other woman” since she was at the heart of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe’s breakup; and Renee wants Abbie to “keep her hands off her man.” Allegedly. Sandra Bullock was subjected to Jesse James’ “bizarre tastes,” including watching “degrading” porn, which was “white supremacist in nature.” Jesse would try to get Sandra to do things she didn’t want to do, according to an insider, and he has an “insatiable sex drive” and did not care what Sandra wanted. Jesse’s ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, tells the magazine that he always talks about his bad childhood, and how his mother messed him up, and that “he has serious anger issues toward women because of that.” Here’s a palate cleanser: Lady Gaga was walking through a hotel in Australia, and a wedding was taking place in the ballroom. The bride saw the singer and said, “Wow, it’s Lady Gaga!” So Gaga offered to come to the wedding and take pictures with everyone! (see image 12) She gave the bride a kiss and urged the newlyweds to “have good sex.” Later that night Gaga caught up with the wedding party at the hotel bar and bought everyone a round of drinks. In an item possibly planted by Paula Abdul, an “insider” claims that American Idol producers want Paula back and “the show is not as much fun to watch without her.” Lastly: Hey, look! Wasted celebrities! Stars are just like us! (see image 13)
Grade: C (fake mustache and hoodie)

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