This Week In Tabloids: Britney & Boyfriend Stage Photo Op In Mexico

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Today we learned that Kate Middleton will always have to walk a step behind Prince William, that Britney staged a photo op while on vacation in Mexico, and that Jennifer Aniston still loves whatshisname.

Ok!
"Kendra Loses Her Baby!"
The gist of it: Kendra and Hank were living in Philadelphia. Kendra moved to L.A. and Hank moved to Minneapolis to play for the Vikings. They couldn't film her show in Minnesota, because it's boring there and there's snow everywhere. So she's shooting in L.A. and Hank is the primary caretaker of the kid. In other words, Kendra did not lose her baby. The child is living with the dad. Moving on: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker had lunch on December 1, and shook hands at the end of the meeting. "It was all pretty formal," according to a source. Nicole Kidman is either pregnant or wearing a tight dress. Her rep says she's not pregnant, but since her hair is back to its natural red — you know, how knocked-up women stop dyeing — the magazine prints an arrow pointing to her belly with the words "baby bump"? Lil' Kim is mad at Nicki Minaj for copying her look, calling her a "Lil' Kim wannabe." Mark Ballas's dream dancing partner is Jennifer Aniston. "She's just so perfect." America's Next Top Model Winner Ann Ward, who is 6'2" and weighs less than 100 lbs., says she is not anorexic. Everyone in her family has a high metabolism! She also says she's healthy the way she is and she never noticed how skinny her waist is. Teen Mom's Ryan — of Ryan and Maci — bought his son Bentley a mini-electric four-wheeler for Christmas. Price tag: $2,000.
Grade: F (not seen, not heard)

In Touch
"Jessica Betrayed!"
Jessica Simpson is "blinded by love." She's making millions of dollars — actually, her fashion empire is about to gross $1 billion — but she doesn't have a pre-nup and she recently put her fiancé, Eric Johnson, on her payroll with a title and salary, but no real responsibilities. The "betrayal" part comes from minor random facts drummed up to make Eric look like a gold-digger and famewhore. For instance, he just got divorced, he likes to read get-rich-quick books, and he once had a fling with a cheerleader in high school. Anyway, Jessica gave him a corporate credit card so he could pay for dinner. What's wrong with her paying? We don't know. Moving on: Kate Middleton is trying to "take control" of her wedding. Usually the Queen would get really involved, but it's all down to Kate and William. Kate is picking out her own wedding dress, and her family will pay for it. The name "Diana" is mentioned like 65 times in this one page of text. Sandra Bullock is inviting Jesse James and his kids to her house in Austin for Christmas Sandra wants her son Louis to have this extended femily — Chandler, 14; Jesse Jr., 12 and Sunny, 6 — in his life. But Kat Von D is not invited. Kelly Bensimon has "muscle overload," because, "her seven-day-a-week running habit is robbing her of her needed curves." (see image 7). Women! Can't be fat, can't be thin. Just FYI. Britney Spears is telling all of her friends that she and Jason Trawick are getting married. PETA has informed Kim Kardashian that she is their next target, so she'd better watch her back. Mary-Kate Olsen sometimes goes to yoga three times a day, if you care. Jennifer Aniston is not just sad and lonely — so is her mother. Nancy Dow spends "lonely days in a cramped North Hollywood apartment," "longing for Jen's company" and "wishing there was something she could do to make things better between them." Sniffle. Nancy's friend claims: "She says,'I'm sad. I wish I had my little girl back. I want to be there for my baby.'"
Grade: D- (seen, but not heard)

Life & Style
"Princess In Crisis"
The cover may lead you to believe that Kate Middleton was drunk in public. But in April 2009 her whole family — sister, brother, father and mother — went to a fancy club in London for her brother James's birthday, and her brother, James got wasted. He left the club for a smoke break and ended up urinating through a railing into a historic private garden. His mom "tried to keep gawkers at bay by shaking her hands at them." Guess what? There are pictures! Of James pissing and of James drunk in a cab (see image 8). These are previously unpublished images, because Kate used Prince William's help (and some royal lawyers) to keep the incident out of the press. Also, Kate once attended a party with bunny ears on, making her a huge embarrassment or some shit. And! Kate's uncle, Gary Goldsmith, a former coke dealer, is invited to the wedding. In July 2009, he was caught bragging about his ties to the royals while offering hookers and blow to an undercover reporter. The story wraps up with a chart pinpointing how Kate is "different" — read less sophisticated — than the royals. She lives in a "modest" mansion, while they live in "the world's grandest palace." Also inside: Kim Kardashian, 30, has dumped Gabriel Aubry for Kris Humphries, 25, who plays for the New Jersey Nets. Kris's sisters are named Krystal and Kaela, so with all the K-madness, he fits right in. Eva Longoria and Tony Parker went to lunch, and in a photograph she is gesturing with her hands. Body language expert Patti Wood says: "She is showing him the back of her hand, almost symbolically hitting him." Ouch. Lastly, a triple-board-certified plastic surgeon named Dr. Richard Chaffoo thinks Jennifer Aniston should stop having cosmetic procedures. There was a report that Jen might get a face-lift, a brow lift and further breast augmentation, and Dr. Chaffoo thinks that would ruin her natural beauty. He thinks her nose job is really well done.
Grade: D (ten paces behind)

Star
"I Can't Stop Loving Brad."
We can sum up the entire cover story in one sentence: Over Thanksgiving, when Jennifer Aniston was in Mexico with her homegirl Chelsea Handler, a source says: "They were talking about different guys in their lives when Jen suddenly broke down and told Chelsea, 'I can't stop loving Brad." Moving on: Two blind items! 1. "Which reality TV father likes to get dolled up as a woman — dress, lipstick, high heels and all — when the cameras are off. Even though his wife thinks her hubby's cross-dressing is 'cute,' don't expect to see his antics on their hit show anytime soon." We suspect it's Bruce Jenner, but it could be JimBob Duggar! 2. "Which plastic surgery-loving actress stays thin by purging after every meal? During a recent dinner party in the Hollywood Hills, she kept excusing herself to go to the powder room. Everyone at the party knew." Um… All of them? Michelle Williams has a crush on Dominic Cooper, who was in Mamma Mia and An Education and used to be Amanda Seyfried's boyfriend. "Dominic is pursuing her all-out now," according to a source. Scott Disick is seeing some chick behind Kourtney Kardashian's back. He's been spotted driving her around in his Rolls-Royce, but he says they're just friends. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart "have literally grown sick at the sight of each other," says an insider on the set of Breaking Dawn. Britney Spears is "trapped in a web of abuse," and the copy reads, "the pop princess is virtually being held hostage by a monster." She went to Mexico for her birthday, and insiders say it's just a publicity stunt to make the two look like a happy couple. A source claims that Jason knows all of Britney's darkest secrets — which seem to be that she smokes pot and drinks (not that dark) — and also that she is abusive as well. "She has a savage temper and has hit and scratched him on several occasions," says a source. On April 6, Britney slapped Jason on the face six times in full view of photographers. A source notes that she grew up with squabbling parents and an abusive father who went on alcoholic rants: "She mistakes drama for real love."
Grade: C (one step behind)

Us
"Inside Kate's New Life."
There's some really good stuff in this article about what Kate Middleton can expect from marrying into the royal family. She used to be able to take a bus or a cab with just her sister, but now she has an entourage. She's losing some freedom and independence, but that is "the price she'll pay for falling in love with the future king." This Christmas may be the last she spends with her family, because she'll be expected to spend the holiday with the royals in Sandringham. Also, her parents are finding it hard to cope with the fact that there's an armed police car at the end of their driveway. But Kate and Prince William are still down to earth — they don't plan on having butlers or valets and Kate will still cook and host dinner parties. Kate's lady-in-waiting will be her sister, Pippa. What is a lady-in-waiting, you ask? Katie Nicholl, the "royal expert" says: "The Queen has between 3 and 10. She trusts them to help her select outfits, wait in the car with her, pick out her favorite posies and help with her crossword. It's a rare intimacy. It's unpaid." Apparently Pippa, Kate's younger sister, is kind of a popular party-girl type, "the one with the sparkle," so maybe we can set her up with Harry? Did you know that Kate and William did a an engagement picture photoshoot with Mario Testino? It was a "top secret session." But most important: We learn when Kate should curtsy. "When a nonblood royal is with a royal spouse, they take on their spouse's elevated rank," according to the mag. If Kate sees Camilla and Charles, Kate has to curtsy, but if Charles is not around and Kate is with William, Camilla has to curtsy. And none of the low debutante dip curtsying! It should be "just a bob down, about 10 centimeters." And! Kate has to walk a step behind Prince William (just like Prince Philip has to walk behind the Queen.) Also inside: Neve Campbell is dating Isaiah Mustafa, also known as the Old Spice man your man could smell like. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick spent her birthday weekend in a $5,000 a night villa in Mexico and had red velvet cake shipped from L.A. She says it was "amazing" and "the best birthday of my life." It should be noted that the photo here is an exclusive shot from the balcony of Britney's villa in Mexico (see image 9), and the quote is an exclusive to Us magazine, meaning she is putting some effort into publicly distancing herself from Star's abuse story last week. Lastly: Nicole Richie is supposedly getting married this weekend, and on the guest list are: Christina Aguilera, Jessica Alba, Quincy Jones, Khloe Kardashian, Samantha Ronson and Ashlee Simpson Wentz and Pete Wentz.
Grade: C+ (side by side)

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