This Week In Tabloids: Brad Cheats On Angie With Flight Attendant

Life & Style
WHAT ELIN REALLY KNOWS
While the cover implies that the we’ll learn some new dirt about Tiger Woods, the article actually consists of vague statements from Tiger’s former mistresses. For example, Jamie Jungers says, “I’m sure Elin is hiding millions of secrets.” As Cher Horowitz would say, “whatever.” Were you aware that Jersey Shore‘s Sammi Giancola is “TRAPPED BY A MONSTER”? The mag says Ronnie Ortiz-Magro is emotionally abusive, but she isn’t close with anyone else in the house, so “she turns to Ronnie, the man she fell in love with during season one and who becomes both her savior and her captor in seasons two and three.” But there’s hope — the mag asks, “CAN THE SITUATION SAVE SAMMI?” Elsewhere in Jersey, Caroline Manzo talks to the mag in yet another exclusive interview with a Real Houswife. She says she’ll never forgive Danielle Staub, adding, “My daughter, Lauren, was very upset by what Jacqueline and Teresa did… She said, ‘Mom, they didn’t stand by you.” But I’m okay. I don’t need that.” Then Jacqueline sort-of retracts her apology to Danielle during the reunion saying, “It’s different to forgive than to give up. I just gave up. We had been taping for 12 hours, and I was exhausted. I just wanted everything to go away. That’s why I did it. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.” Lastly, check out this Matthew McConaughey Photoshop disaster (image 7).

Grade: D- (Trapped on the tarmac for hours at Newark Airport.)

In Touch
FAMILY SECRETS
Scott Disick wants to write a tell-all book about the Kardashians. What’s left to reveal about a family in which the sisters keep discussing the appearance of each other’s nether regions on TV? Well, there’s a rumor that Khloe may not be the late Robert Kardashian’s child. Kris Jenner allegedly cheated on him with various men, including a pool boy, and In Touch editors don’t think Khloe looks like the rest of the family (image 8). Also, when Kim was younger she “refused to cool down her insane sex life,” so Kris and Bruce kicked her out of the house. She was technically homeless, staying on friends’ couches, then married Damon Thomas “possibly because she simply wanted to settle down.” In other news, LeAnn Rimes is already going by “Mrs. Cibrian.” She recently used the name to place an order for Girl Scout Cookies. Next: Is Kat Von D pregnant with Jesse James baby? Almost certainly not, but In Touch is going with this story because they have a picture of her baggy t-shirt blowing in the wind (image 9). Another strike against to the mag’s baby bump claim: She was pictured with a totally flat belly on the cover of Star just last week. But guess who wants a baby: Lindsay Lohan! “The star has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant.” She also hates being alone and thinks a baby would “make the perfect companion.” Lindsay can star in Dr. Drew’s new show Celebrity Rehab: Teen Mom Edition! In the fourth “exclusive” interview with one of the Real Housewives, Teresa Giudice says she forgives Danielle Staub because, “after watching the reunion special, I realized that I am a much better person,” adding, “I know a lot of people hate Danielle, and she doesn’t need one more person not liking her.” And continuing the Mean Girls theme, Jennifer Aniston and Sheryl Crow are “fighting over a man.” Sheryl has a crush on Cougar Town‘s Josh Hopkins, one of the dudes Jen recently went on a “date” with. “She can’t understand why Jen would do something like this,” says a source.

Grade: D- (Flight attendants run out of booze mid-flight.)

Star
BRAD CAUGHT IN CHEATING SCANDAL
Shady celebrity biographer Ian Halperin claims Brad Pitt has been cheating on Angelina Jolie with Racine, a “young, sexy French model who moonlights as a flight attendant.” Halperin writes on his blog, “Racine claims to have bonked some of the hottest stars in the world in the air, including a top British politician, a star player for the L.A. Lakers, a Fox TV host, and one other than ‘Hollywood’s leading golden boy.” He also quotes her as saying, “I slept with at least three men Angelina slept with, and they all told me they never had better sex.” Andrew Morton, another sleazy celeb biographer, has some news of his own: Tom Cruise used to date Modern Family star Sofia Vergara. In fact, he was “grooming” Sofia to be his wife, but she freaked out when she learned about his belief in Scientology and broke it off. Luckily for Tom, he was “already courting Katie behind the scenes.” Next: There’s a DWTS love triangle brewing between Cheryl Burke, Bristol Palin, and The Situation. “Mike has two goals: to win the competition — and Bristol’s heart,” says a source. As for Cheryl, she’s “infatuated with the Situation.” In other Jersey Shore news, The Situation was arrested in 2003 after he was pulled over for having expired registration, then a drug-sniffing dog found marijuana in his car. He was put on one-year probation, with mandatory drug testing. We also learn that Snooki and new cast member Deena Cortese are having a lesbian fling. An eyewitness says that on August 28, “Snooki and Deena were doing shots… Then they started passionately kissing each other on the lips.” Another insider reports, “They come home from boozing it up and sleep in the same bed all the time. More and more they are kissing and holding hands — the cast and crew are always talking about it.” In an “exclusive” interview, Danielle Staub tells Star pretty much the same thing she told OK!. If you’re wondering how Kim Kardashian “crosses the line with her bodyguard,” you should’ve watched the September 6 episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians — there’s nothing new here. We’ll leave you with this thought: Does Julia Roberts have new boobs? (Image 10)

Grade: D+ (Caught joining the Mile High Club.)

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