Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we meet someone at work, find out they love tabloids, are all “Oh yes bitch me too” and then get a text from them the next day that’s like “BITCH LET’S GO TO FLORIDA,” so we drive to Florida and read tabloids by the pool all weekend lmaoooooooo.
This week, Bennifer 2.0 is now Bennifer 2.5, Khloe tells her story, Kate’s pregnant with twins, and there are now two fewer Kardashians to keep up with.
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PREGNANT KATE: TWINS!
There actually isn’t a colon in the headline, so it’s really just PREGNANT KATE TWINS! Pregnant Kate Twins! Pregnant Kate Twins! I believe that means Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins—but since I could be misinterpreting, let’s open the magazine and find out. Ah yes, that’s what “PREGNANT KATE TWINS!” means. This “royal shocker” comes “just a few months after welcoming little Charlotte,” but despite the claims on the cover (“PALACE CONFIRMS A BOY & A GIRL”), I didn’t find evidence of that confirmation beyond a source telling OK! “They’d love a boy and a girl” and “they’re all so excited at the prospect of twins.” But! We all know tabloids don’t really exist beyond their covers, so let’s congratulate Kate on her absolutely real and 100% verified pregnancy with twins!
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are nearly over! I had forgotten they even existed (let alone were married), but am now fully mourning the inevitable death of their love. It was short-lived, sure, but love is love, and theirs is almost dead. Donnie has apparently “walked out” on Jenny because he couldn’t take the “nonstop drama” of their relationship. A source said, “He’s had it with her refusal to act like a mature, responsible adult.” I do hope he reconsiders leaving, because someone once told me divorce causes autism.
- Amal Clooney and Cindy Crawford had a huge fight in Cabo because Amal “doesn’t make much of an effort to be interested in” anything but “global politics,” while “Cindy would rather talk about something lighter.”
- Keith Urban is secretly bald.
- Keith Urban’s baldness is no longer a secret.
- Everyone in the new Ghostbusters hates each other.
- Anna Faris is cheap as hell, and controls how Chris Pratt spends their money.
Grade: D+ (Amal Clooney yells at you for not being able to find Burkina Faso on a map.)
MY OWN STORY
I decided to get fancy today and spend an extra $1.50 of Jezebel’s money to buy People instead of Life & Style because of their EXCLUSIVE interview with Khloe Kardashian in which she talks about the state of her relationship with Lamar. So, apparently what happened was that Khloe posed for photos for People on October 13 and “spoke candidly about life, love and her doomed marriage to Lamar Odom.” Then, “two hours later,” she received news of his hospitalization.
Days later, while “refusing to leave his side,” a “decidedly more somber Kardashian spoke to People...this time in whispers as she sat in the room with Odom.”
Here are some more Khloé Kwotés:
On not believing love is fickle:
“I don’t believe love is fickle.”
On her current boyfriend James Harden:
“He’s been great with me, and I’m just allowing everything to unfold.”
On Lamar loving her for who she was:
“Lamar loved me for who I was. He never talked about my weight. That didn’t matter to him. That’s what gave me so much confidence. “
On Lamar being a father figure for Rob:
“Lamar was a father figure for Rob. “
On the beautiful and scary thing about life:
“You never know [what’s going to happen]. And that’s the beautiful and scary thing about life.”
And now, a fascinating exchange between Sienna Miller and Bradley Cooper:
People: What’s your favorite foodie city?
Cooper: I get very excited to eat when I go to New Orleans. They have alligator, which I love.
Miller: You do love to eat alligator.
Cooper: What are you talking about? You’ve never seen me eat alligator!
Miller: In general you love eating alligator whenever you can.
Whatever you say, Bradley and Sienna!
Grade: C+ (Bradley Cooper asks if you love to eat alligator, and you’re not sure what he means.)
KHLOE & KOURTNEY: WE QUIT
Whoa, they quit again! I think they’ve quit 30 times this year, but honestly who even keeps track. Here’s what allegedly probably almost certainly didn’t go down: “Khloe accused Kris of being insensitive because all she’s been thinking about is the future of the show while Lamar is clinging to life and Scott is holed up in rehab.” Kris, ever the Momager, “didn’t want to back down” and told Khloe to remarry Lamar on TV, “which sent Khloe over the edge” and caused her to scream, “WE QUIT!” In related news, season 11 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians premieres November 15, 2015.
This interview with Katherine Heigl is pretty good:
- Madonna and Sean Penn are back on, and you’d better believe me this time.
- Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett are miserable.
- Kaley Cuoco has been “on the phone with her lawyers almost every single day” because Ryan Sweeting is a greedy man.
- Nicole Richie has been “seeing a therapist and nutritionist in the hopes of getting pregnant.”
- Xenu is feuding with Leah Remini or whatever.
- Wear platinum or, to me, you’ll be nothing but a lump of coal.
- Wear rainbows or I’ll feed you to the leprechauns.
Grade: D- (Xenu starts feuding with you.)
JEN & BEN: BACK TOGETHER!
I know Jen and Ben were originally never ever ever gonna get back together, but it turns like Jen talked to Ben’s friends, who talked to Jen’s friends, who talked it out amongst themselves, who eventually recommended that Ben and Jen get back together and become Bennifer 2.0, which sort of makes them Bennifer 3.0? Or, I guess, Bennifer 2.5. Even though Christine Ouzounian allegedly “wants him back,” Ben has denied her and gone back to the love of his life and mother of his children, Jen. Garner, not Lopez.
Things to know about Leah Remini’s ongoing feud with Xenu:
- “Leah will expose the ugliest corners of Scientology” in her upcoming book, Troublemaker.
- When Leah asked where Shelly Miscavige was, someone allegedly yelled, “YOU DON’T FUCKING RANK TO ASK ABOUT SHELLY.”
- Leah was billed $300,000 for “treatment” when she underwent “interrogations and behavior modification.”
- Kirstie Alley thinks she’s an “enemy and a bigot.”
- “Leah’s book will blow the lid off the church.”
- Robin Thicke works out drunk, which is sort of impressive?
- Everyone hates working with Jesse Eisenberg.
- Liam Hemsworth really wants to date Megan Fox.
- OK fine never mind Leo isn’t actually going to marry Kelly Rohrbach.
- The tattooed woman from Blindspot may or may not be a homewrecker.
- Has anyone watched Blindspot?
- Does she start every episode inside that duffel bag?
Grade: F (You have to sleep in a duffel bag.)
Fig. 1 - In Touch
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