This Week In Tabloids: Ashton Cheats On Demi

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I tip the celebrity weeklies after gorging on gossip. This week, when Shiloh isn’t tearing Brad and Angie apart, she’s clawing at Zahara. And Ashton totally made out with some blonde.

Ok!
“Teen Mom: I’m Broke”
On the August 17th episode of Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham was the victim of an online scam, and that is the gist of this story — shit that happened on TV last week. Farrah says stuff like: “Usually my parents would help me, but since I’m not talking to them, I have to do this on my own.” She says she’s not speaking to her mom and her dad has no money. Also, she reveals that she has no idea where to sign a check — she once filled out the dollar amount on the date line. Sad! Farrah says: “I only have one hundred and some dollars right now, and that needs to last me a month.” Didn’t Ok! buy you lunch or something? And don’t you get paid for being on MTV? Anyway. Moving on. Hilary Duff talked to the mag about whether she’s gonna get right on having those babies, and it seems as if she is not headed in that direction at the moment. “We want to enjoy ourselves. We have such busy lives, and we spend a lot of time apart. We want to wait at least one more summer for that.” Check out this spread in which Ok! tries to prove how celebrity-friendly it is — and reminds us of all the folks they paid for exclusives. These are supposedly the “biggest moments” in the stars’ lives… So what are the Twilight “Yes They’re In Love” cover, the Kate Gosselin “How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days” cover and Kendra’s “My Body After Baby” doing here? (see image 7). Finally: Chris Colfer from Glee had to use the bathroom on set, and the assistant director said, “Oh, the bathroom is right around the corner.” But when Chris went to the bathroom, the toilet wouldn’t flush and the sink wasn’t working… and when he looked up, there was no ceiling. Kurt realized he’d urinated on the set of Monk!
Grade: F (10¢ tip on $1,000 check)

Us
“Second Chance At Love”
Maci from Teen Mom has a long distance boyfriend, and that is the point of this six-page feature that we merely skimmed. Because like, really. She says: “I just try to keep busy, and appreciate the time I do spend with [him].” Scintillating! Moving on: For some reason, we feel defensive about Jessica Simpson’s body. So this “Jessica Simpson: Another Style No-No” item is irritating! The dress is pretty, and if her “undergarments are adding bulk,” as the copy claims, we didn’t notice it. Some stylist says the dress should be navy or black, because clearly, when you’re a big old fatty like Jess, you can’t wear brights (see image 8). Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson’s son Bronx loves singing along to Jay-Z. Finally, your feel-good story of the day: A New Orleans resident recently got stranded on the road when her car ran out of fuel. “Desperate for some gas money, she approached a man sitting on his beat-up bicycle on a nearby street corner. As the rider pulled out a $10 bill, she was stunned to realize her good Samaritan was Brad Pitt. ‘Been there myself,’ he said.”
Grade: F ($1 tip on $100 check)

In Touch
“How I Blew $11 Million”
This whole thing is misleading, because Teresa Giudice didn’t really spend $11 million, from what we can gather. She’s sad that she’s been mocked for her lavish tastes, and she knows that her $60,00 spending spree — right after her husband filed for bankruptcy — didn’t win her many supporters. But. Joe explains his business’s bankruptcy thusly: “It was tenants not paying rent, and it was a bad situation with my business partner.” Teresa says their home was never in foreclosure… But admits she would often spend $10,000 a month on her American Express card. Yet! There’s a silver lining to the bankruptcy stuff: “It has brought us closer together.” Also, Teresa denies that Joe is cheating on her and says “we’re very happy.” Next: “Just how well is Kate Gosselin’s bodyguard Steve Neild guarding her body?” Very well. They are “growing increasingly intimate.” Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are “in love and in shape.” He’s lost about 30 lbs. (see image 9) and they’ve both cut out junk food. Brit has traded her Frappucinos for iced coffee with skim milk, and and “now they both look so hot they can’t keep their hands off each other.” In Brangelina news, “Now that Brad Pitt is smoking hot again, Angelina Jolie is terrified she’ll lose him.” See, Angelina always thought the gray beard was “sexy.” But “now that he’s fit and looking great, it adds some competition for her.” No one can be hotter than Angie! That’s why Shiloh is a boy! By the by, “Brad’s born-again sex appeal isn’t the only thing stressing” Angelina out. The kids are “very eccentric” — Maddox and Pax have secret hideouts and sometimes Angie and Brad can’t find them for hours; Shiloh and Zahara are “constantly warring” with lots of scratching and hair pulling. Yawn. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott “American Psycho” Disick are separated, not that we care. Jesse James is “humiliating” Sandra Bullock again by dating Kat Von D; he’s “pouring salt on the wound by gallivanting around Austin” with his new girlfriend. Jim Toth has been shopping for the perfect engagement ring for Reese Witherspoon. Jessica Simpson is now a vegan, because her boyfriend Eric Johnson is vegan. She can “barely boil water,” but has learned to make vegan lasagna. Last: Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have made a “secret pact” to stay together until they each make a million dollars from appearances. “They do really like each other, but aren’t as in love as they claim,” says an insider.
Grade: D- ($5 tip on $500 check)

Life & Style
“The Fight Over Shiloh”
Apparently Brad is angry, because while Angelina has been promoting Salt, she keeps mentioning stuff about Shiloh wanting to be a boy — and fails to talk about the other kids. Brad feels that Shiloh is getting too much attention at the expense of the other children. Remember when Angelina said something about not being as connected to Shiloh because she wasn’t disadvantaged? Or feeling like the other kids needed her more? Well now she loves Shiloh too much. Margaret says, “There’s no way for her to appropriately love Shiloh.” The mag reads: “Brad’s right to worry. After all, older kids Madox, 9, Pax, 6, and Zahara, 5 — who may be reading interviews their mom gives — would be heartbroken to see themselves left out.” We think Maddox is probably a Vanity Fair subscriber, so this may be accurate. But seriously — are we supposed to believe that Shiloh and Zahara’s scratchy, hair-pulling fights are over who lands the cover of Life & Style??? Next: Some dude from the Bachelorette, Jesse Csincsak got a “happy ending” when he married his girlfriend, Ann Lueders. “I’m Lindsay Lohan’s Sister” is a two-page spread from 15-year-old Ashley Horn, whom you may have met before via some gossip mag. Allegedly, her father is Michael Lohan, but she has never met him — or Lindsay. (In a court hearing in 2008, Michael Lohan failed to show up for a paternity test, and the judge ruled that his name could be added to Ashley’s birth certificate, but we don’t actually have proof that this girl is a Lohan.) Still, the mag asked Ashley about Lindsay being in jail and rehab. Ashley says: “I wanted to help Lindsay in some way, but what was I supposed to do? I don’t even know how to contact her.” Twitter! Duh. Oh, and by the way: Ashley would like to pursue an acting career. Of course. Moving on, Cameron Diaz was overheard referring to A-Rod as her “boyfriend.” And last but not least: When she eats at trendy downtown restaurant Da Silvano Rihanna only leaves a $40 tip on a $400 bill.
Grade: D- ($40 tip on $400 check)

Star
“50 Best & Best Beach Bodies”
This week, Star had ZERO blind items. They seem to have discontinued that feature, which we really enjoyed. And if it seems like we JUST had a “Best And Worst Beach Bodies” issue from Star, it’s because we did! The mag which hit stands on May 12 had 46 best and worst bodies; today we have FIFTY. Four more bodies to ogle! It’s an interesting tactic: Labor Day is coming up, folks want beach reading, and there just HAPPEN to be lots and lots of pictures of celebs on vacation. But here’s something you should know: There are only 49 pictures of celebrities in swimsuits — spread over 14 pages. Not 50. We counted. So these people are cheating you ONE WHOLE BEACH BODY. DEMAND JUSTICE. There are lots of “good” beach bodies, including Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and Jenna Ushkowitz, who get called “gorgeously curvy.” But: Uma Thurman has a “bulging belly.” Kat Von D “could seriously use a tan — and all those tattoos clash with her bikini.” Kate Moss has a “surprisingly flabby middle.” Vienna from The Bachelor has “cottage cheek” — aka cellulite dimples. Mary. J. Blige has a “bum deal” — aka “a bit of cellulite.” Matt Damon is “doughy.” Snooki has “too much skin squeezing out of the sides” of her monokini, and Sarah Silverman’s swimsuit has a “frumpy cut.” Also inside: Heidi Montag’s swelling has gone down and “she almost looks natural now!” (see image 10). Last week we heard that Glee‘s Mark Salliing and Naya Rivera were feuding — and that she keyed his car — but it seems like all is well (see image 11). Emma Roberts is “growing up too fast” because she was drunk at some club in Ann Arbor. In high school, Kim Kardashian was voted “most likely to meet her husband at the Million Man March.” She likes black guys. WE GET IT. A source claims that Liam Hemsworth used Miley Cyrus — he “bragged to pals” that dating Miley was “making his career hotter.” A source spills: “Everyone was kind of suspicious of him — except Miley. She’d just gush about how cute he is.” Glee‘s Jenna Ushkowitz and Kevin McHale were at an event when they snuck off to cuddle. Love them! A weight loss expert who does not treat Jessica Simpson says she “should weigh” 120 lbs. Right now she weighs 140 lbs., and that’s why the story here is titled “Big Love.” The tone of the piece is weird — it basically says that she’s happy and has stopped giving herself a hard time about her body. But the captions are all, “sorry fatty, you should be thin and miserable.” By the way, Jessica and her boyfriend recently “gorged on a 6,000 feast fit for a king and queen.” They allegedly split a pepperoni and sausage pizza, then “gobbled up” baby back ribs, roasted potatoes, and homemade lasagna, then topped it off with apple cobbler, vanilla ice cream a chocolate souffle. Um… didn’t we just read that the dude is vegan? Maybe they were tofu baby back ribs. “Inside Lady Gaga’s Twisted World” is chock full of Lady Gaga gossip, from the book Pokerface by Maureen Callahan. Gaga had an affair with Rob Fusari while he was engaged and living with his fiancée. Her ex manager’s wife says Gaga hired her to accompany her on the road… and to sleep in her bed at night. Gaga and this lady would cuddle and shower together. Gaga has fired at least 150 people, is on a vicious cycle of starvation and secret binges, was hospitalized for her dangerous dieting at least six times in 2009, and was the star of a “kinky sex show” in 2007, where she would strip and indulge in “sexual use of stuffed animals.” Lastly, the mag buried the lede by making “Beach Bodies” the cover story, because the real juice is in the “Ashton Cheats On Demi” article. Back in July, Ashton was at the Italian restaurant Madeo in LA with friends and “a bevy of women who looked like fashion models.” He “snuck off” with one “stunner” to a dark, secluded, hallway bathroom. An eyewitness says: “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall and he was totally making out with her.” He had his baseball cap turned around “for easier access to the thin and leggy girl’s lips.” The source says: “His hands were on her hips and she was pushing up against the mirrored wall so she couldn’t move, and he was grinding on her. He heard me walk by, and tried to bury his face in her neck so I wouldn’t recognize him. But I could see him clearly, because he was reflected in the mirror. I also saw him earlier at the bar. I know what he was wearing. So there’s no mistaking that it was Ashton Kutcher.” The source notes that Ashton was clearly aroused, information we did not need to know.
Grade: C- ($13 tip on $100 check)

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