In this week's Midweek Madness, Angelina Jolie is in love with someone who is not Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston is reaching out, Miley Cyrus is pregnant with a Kennedy baby and/or the coke bloats and Justin Bieber's former pet monkey is not in a forgiving mood. Onward and downward, chums! Straight into the fiery pits of Hollywood Hell.


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inTouch

ANGELINA FALLS FOR ANOTHER MAN

"Their arms were cozily wrapped around each other's waists and smiles darted across their faces," begins this LYRICAL NOVEL about the forbidden love between Angelina Jolie and the star of her new film Unbroken, actor Jack O'Connell (Fig. 1). "Their attraction is palpable," says an inTouch source. Meanwhile, Jolie's husband Brad Pitt "is freaked out for the first time in their relationship...He's facing his fear that Angie could dump him." O'Connell (better known as Cook from Skins) possesses all the wild qualities that Angelina Jolie likes in a man—you know, super crazy and rebellious stuff like legally smoking cigs and having a British accent. Get off the tracks, Brad, because this is a love train that WON'T BE STOPPED.

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Everyone is famous and no one is happy: Tori Spelling is in desperate need of rehab, says True Tori co-star and ex-wife of Tori's husband Dean McDermott, Mary Jo Eustance—clearly with no ulterior motive. Apollo Nida, husband of Real Housewives of Atlanta's Phaedra Parks will "make Phaedra pay" if she divorces him while he's in prison. inTouch later clarifies that he means "pay" in the financial way. Teen Mom's Leah Messer Calvert denies cheating on her husband Jeremy Calvert with her ex-boyfriend Robbie Kidd, but Robbie says otherwise. Kidd, who was recently arrested for possession of generic Xanax without a prescription, says he promised Leah that he'd never talk publicly about their affair, so I guess he's as bad at keeping secrets as he is at getting name-brand drugs. Taylor Swift banished lowly servant Harry Styles from a Victoria's Secret afterparty to "show him that she has power over him." Has she tried just, like, not texting him back? Because that works, too. Kendall Jenner is reportedly distancing herself from her dad Bruce because "she's worried that being seen with him in public looking like a woman is going to hurt her reputation as an up-and-coming model." Funny because Bruce wearing earrings and lip gloss is actually the least embarrassing thing that a Jenner-Kardashian has ever done. Speaking of, KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN AND SCOTT DISICK ARE OVER...the current break-up plot of Khloe and Kourtney Take My Butthole.

Congratulations to the skinny models who are FINALLY CELEBRATING THEIR CURVES (Fig. 2) and to these wealthy male celebrities for having the courage to go blond (Fig. 3). You guys are the real American heroes. Speaking of, there's also an article titled "I'm a Real-Life Superhero" about a guy who dresses like Batman and hangs out with sick kids, but I didn't read it because I was too engrossed in an article about how Kelsey Grammer never called his ex-wife Camille or their children after it was announced that Camille had cancer. Fucking Frasier, man.

Lastly, there is no better rumor than the one about Ariana Grande insisting that her staff carries her around like a baby (Fig. 4).

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Grade: A+, the comfort of being carried by someone who loves you.


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Life & Style

MILEY'S TERROR: PREGNANT & FORCED INTO REHAB

Katy Perry's producer Greg Wells says that Taylor Swift has ripped off KP's sound. Are you sure you want to lob stones from that glass house, Wells? Scott Disick was somehow drunk in the delivery room for a birth that hasn't happened yet. In couples news, a source says that Ariana Grande is insisting on a Christmas engagement ring from Big Sean—but I say that he should get her an Ariana Grande-sized BabyBjörn instead. Kanye West brought a brown bag lunch on an airplane and ate it with a gold Hermés spoon and fork. It must be love: Cara Delevingne's eyebrows have forbid Kendall Jenner from getting a boob job.

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EXTRY EXTRY! A source living in Miley Cyrus' medicine cabinet tells Life & Style that Cyrus has missed a period and is probably knocked up with Patrick Schwarzenegger's baby. Of course, this leaves the HIGHLY RESPECTABLE Kennedys in a real pickle about what to do about her notorious weed and partying habits. "Miley gave up drinking and smoking pot for a few weeks because of [her pregnancy], but she's having a hard time saying 'no,'" the source says. "Some people believe that she'd need professional help to stay sober for nine months." As for her recent refer-addled behavior at Art Basel, "The whole scene was appalling," a witness cries, monocle popping off their face in surprise and horror. "The audience was shocked at how bad it was. She sounded drunk and stoned." But Miley, YOU HARLOT, don't you know you have a made-up baby to think about?!

Elsewhere in Tinseltown, Christian Bale says his wife is lucky to be married to a method actor because she "gets to be with different guys all the time!" Yes, because what woman wouldn't want to date American Psycho's Patrick Bateman AND the fucked up dude from The Fighter??? Come to think of it, what woman wouldn't want to date normal, out of character Christian Bale? Jake Gyllenhaal split from his model girlfriend because he was too obsessed with being at the gym ;P Never breaking up: Mariah Carey and her million Santa Claus costumes (Fig. 5).

Grade: C-, Miley Cyrus fake urine soaked pregnancy test.


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OK!

JEN: I FINALLY FORGIVE ANGIE

A decade after her divorce from Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston has forgiven rumored scarlet woman Angelina Jolie for contributing to the breakup. "Jen called Angelina after she got her number from a personal friend," OK! reports. "...Jen knew if she wanted to put the past behind her, she needed to have a talk with Angie to let her know she'd forgiven her...Once Jen said she was calling for closure...Angie said that she was glad to hear from her." But then there's this: "...In an attempt to relieve the tension, [Jen] joked that she hopes Angie's marriage to Brad lasts longer than hers did." I contacted the Mostly Honorable Judge Kara Brown to see if this was a case of expert shade: "Maybe not expert shade, but definitely shady," the good judge ruled. Case closed.

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In other Jennifer news: Jennifer Lawrence cannot wait to put 2014 behind her (Fig. 6). "All she wants is for the New Year to come," a source tells OK! "She feels like she suffered the ultimate humiliation" after her personal photos were put online by hackers. Also stressing Jen out: fame, fans and not being able to go out in public without being harassed. People know that New Year's doesn't ~actually~ erase all your problems, right?

Kendall Jenner thinks she's too good for Victoria's Secret now that she has high-fashion connections, though, to be fair, I'm pretty sure that Victoria's Secret wouldn't be good enough for an underwear eating chimp, so it's a pretty low bar there. Michael Douglas' 11-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in a gift shop after a pair of earrings didn't fit—which begs the question: aren't earrings only one size? Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon might be reuniting because Nick Cannon is addicted to her love bank account. Deep in the heart of Texas (at the Dallas GOOP store opening), Gwyneth Paltrow reunited with magical scarecrow Chris Martin: "There's buzz among friends that they're still sleeping together." Ashton Kutcher is mad that Mila Kunis kisses James Franco in a new movie. I'd be made if someone I loved was forced to kiss James Franco, too. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger CANNOT STOP FUCKING (Fig. 7). Diet tip: Fergie got her body back by no longer having a baby living in it. New sister-in-law Susanna Keller is a disgrace to the Duggar family because she occasionally shows off her wanton shoulders by wearing tank tops. No fucking duh: Rita Ora is trying (and failing) at ripping off Rihanna's style (Fig. 8). On her trip to New York, Kate Middleton, reigning queen of Basic, wanted to see the Empire State Building and visit the locations of her favorite film Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Grade: D, the turd of a Victoria's Secret underwear-eating chimp.


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Star

BRUCE CONFIRMS: I'LL BE A WOMAN SOON

Proving that these gossip rags are all written by snazzy 1920s reporters that have somehow been caught in time wormhole: Destitute Andy Dick is living in a "flophouse" and highfalutin rub-hoppers Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger "lit up marijuana joints on the balcony of their room at the Fontainebeau hotel." Alright, see! Accidentally read the headline "Amal Pregnant?" as "Anal Pregnant" (Fig. 9) and was momentarily thrilled by new advances in both science and mpreg. The only things standing in the way of Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss' romance are their heterosexuality and Karlie's longtime boyfriend. Meet the new wild and desperate eyed cast of The Bachelor. Country WRONG: Carrie Underwood and LeAnn Rimes hate each other.and no country feud has been this heated since LeAnn v. The Moonlight (2001).

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IMPORTANT UPDATE FROM MALLY, THE MONKEY JUSTIN BIEBER ABANDONED IN GERMANY LAST YEAR: Employees at Serengeti-Park Hodenhagen—where Mally now resides—feel no good will towards the Beebs. "I believe Justin Bieber probably only ever interacted with him when he wanted to have his picture taken," said staff member Jenny Niewoehner, adding, "I would not like to meet Justin Bieber because I would not have pleasant things to say to him." Mally, like a modern day Oliver Twist, is doing better now that he's out of Bieber the Trash Bag's care. (Fig. 1o)

From this week's cover story: Bruce Jenner's divorce from Kris Jenner has "given him the confidence to open up to his family about who he truly is" and transition into a woman. Reports say that Bruce has discussed the matter with his family—excluding daughters Kendall and Kylie who are "not mature enough" to handle the news—and everyone is fully supportive. A cool observation from a source who spotted Bruce at a Starbucks: His breasts "were larger than they'd ever been before!" Beware the Starbucks perv who meticulously charts Bruce's breast size.

Grade: D-, Justin Bieber trying to grow a moustache.


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US Weekly

KOURTNEY'S HAD ENOUGH: LAST CHANCE!

Mel B's "spicy secret" is that she had a serious romantic relationship with another woman...entirely out in the open, so yeah, very secretive, indeed. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are going forward with their nuptials, despite not really liking each other. YouTube star Bethany Mota graces the US pages to give you makeup advice, which, unless she's offering to teach us how to contour your face to look like Neil Diamond or something, is not all that interesting. During her New York trip, Kate Middleton had to sit around and do crafts with a bunch of school kids, proving that being the future queen of England is about as dull as reading Bethany Mota makeup tutorials in US Weekly.

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"Kourtney's ULTIMATUM," screams this jaunty headline. Either Scott Disick cleans up his act or Kourtney Kardashian kicks him to the curb. Do you kare?

Despite her insistence that she's single, Taylor Swift might quietly be dating The 1975's Matt Healy after the pair met and exchanged digies at concert (Fig 11). "I mean, bloody hell, what am I going to do? Go out with Taylor Swift?..I wouldn't say no," Healy said on an Australian radio show. As with all romantic poetry, Healy's statement basically adds up to WHY NOT. Since meeting, "Healy sends frequent texts to the 5-foot-10 blonde who is crossing the globe to promote her new album 1989. 'She likes sending him voice notes back,'" US reports. Voice notes?! If this is true, Taylor Swift is exactly the psychopath she's been painted to be.

Grade: F, as in "Fuck you, US Weekly." With its sycophantic relationship with celebrities and refusal to make up stories, US is the most boring 'bloid of them all.

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