This Week In Tabloids: Angie's Sexcapades On Rubber Sheets; Octomom's Stretchmark-Free Bikini Body

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Today we learn that Angelina Jolie likes orchids and sex toys; Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are friends with benefits and a hot shoot for W magazine; Nadya “Octomom” Suleman thinks surgery is “cheating.”

Ok!
“My Diet Secrets.”
Baby Mason was born December 14th and this is his FOURTH tabloid magazine cover. Even stranger: We still don’t care. Anyhoo, Kourtney Kardashian talks about how she designed a limited-edition belly bandit, which is like a wrap you wear on your abs after giving birth; hers is black and lace printed for a “sexy, stylish look.” QuickTrim is mentioned in this article because she’s basically contractually obligated to talk about it, but she’s not taking it right now because she’s breastfeeding, and, um, babies don’t like QuickTrim or something. Next: Katy Perry asked Rihanna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding to Russell Brand. A source says, “Rihanna replied with a ‘yes’ and a bombshell: ‘I’ll be next.'” Taylor Lautner took his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Hicks, who is not famous and just some chick, to Olive Garden in LA and this is news. Finally: Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are “friends with benefits,” according to a source. At the Golden Globes, she felt “proud” standing with Gerry and thinks he might be the man for her after all.
Grade: F (silverfish in a stack of newspapers)

Star
“My New Bikini Body”
It’s been one year since Nadya Suleman had 8 kids. She says: “People are like, ‘Oh, you must have had some surgery.’ No way. I would feel like I cheated! I don’t care what other people think, but I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own naturally.” She went from 270 lbs (while pregnant) to 120 lbs. And she doesn’t seem to have any stretch marks or scarring! She says she isn’t wearing any face or eye makeup in the shoot and she also skipped the spray-tanner. “Really, I wanted to show that who you are is enough. You don’t need to have surgery or color your skin.” As for what happened to those stretch marks, she says: “I used creams with growth hormone to stimulate collagen production. And Vitamin C. That’s my secret. I put it on my face, too.” It goes on like this for eight pages, (see image 7 for an example) and she talks, in detail, about her workouts and what she eats and the babies. All we can say is DO NOT WANT. Moving on: Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are installing a nursery in their new $4 million home. A friend says, “Renee has been beyond ready to have a baby, and she thinks Bradley would be a fantastic dad. She could get pregnant at any time — if she isn’t already!” Watch out! Just walking down the street, it could happen. Jessica Biel is getting “very friendly” with Lupe Fiasco; they both climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and Lupe is “taken with her.” Blind item: “Which actress isn’t really such a sweetheart? She recently shredded a pile of clothes her off-again boyfriend had left at her house and sent him a box filled with the scraps.” Sean Penn and Tobey Maguire tried to find a lady for Jake Gyllenhaal at a party at Chateau Marmont: “Four model-types walked by, and Sean said, ‘Ladies, have you met Jake?’ The girls came over, and though Jake was a little shy, Sean and Tobey carried the conversation until he opened up.” Tiger Woods has been breaking all the rules in rehab: Sometimes he participates in group therapy and meals with other patients, but most of the time he blows off therapy and stays in his room or hits the gym. He’s even left the grounds to visit his mom, who’s staying in a hotel nearby. He says he can’t wait for it to be over and is doing it for his public image, which is what he cares about most. Rihanna’s new man, Matt Kemp, has a violent past: His ex, actress Felisha Terrell, took out a restraining order against him in June 2008. She said: “He is violent and I am afraid.” She suffered verbal abuse and threats, and he used his friends to intimidate her. Angelina and Brad got into a “screaming match” over how to discipline the kids. Angie “lost it” and told Brad the kids were hers and he should butt out. Lastly: Lady Gaga is unlucky in love; her only relationship is with her fans.
Grade: F (dust mites on pillows)

Us
“Kardashians Then And Wow.” No new information, but 17 childhood photos of the Kardashian ladies. Kris Jenner says, “From a young age, I taught them about waxing and mani-pedis, and we always made it party!” Moving along: In a move that makes NO SENSE, Marisa Jaret Winokur was fired as the host of Dance Your Ass Off because she was too fat. “The producers were always on her to lose weight.” The New York Times had a cocktail party in LA, and Tom and Katie were there… As was Chris Klein, Katie’s former fiance. It was awkward, says an attendee. “Chris did his best to have a good time and even smiled and waved at Katie, but it seemed like she couldn’t be bothered.” Awww. At a pre-party for the Golden Globes, Gerard Butler stopped by Kate Hudson’s table and told her she was the most beautiful girl in the room and that he adores her work. (Drunk?) “They had a 20 minute flirt-fest.” Brad and Angelina are fighting because Brad likes spending time in New Orleans, but Angelina doesn’t. She calls it “his house,” even though they both own the place there and complains there’s nothing to do. Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan have broken up, but they were in the studio together when she was working on the theme song for her new show, The Price Of Beauty. A source says, “They’re working on being friends.”
Grade: D- (worm in apple)

Life & Style
“Jen’s Revenge Body.”
Angelina is “tired and bony,” so she avoided a “run-in” at the Golden Globes. Jennifer decided to go for a “black and sexy” dress for the awards “only when she discovered that Angelina wasn’t attending,” says a source. “An earlier choice had been a white asymmetrical Stella McCartney, since she didn’t want to go head to head with Angelina and her signature black.” As for Angelina, her “thin frame” “wasn’t Golden Globes ready.” Plus: Jen and Gerard Butler recently posed for a photo shoot for W magazine, that will put Angelina and Brad’s “sexy shoot to shame.” An “insider” says: “It’s the most outrageous thing Jen has ever done! Gerard is dressed as a cop and Jen’s just wearing lingerie. It blows away anything Brad and Angelina ever did for W.” Moving on: The story titled “We Want To Be A Jolie-Pitt Kid” informs us that when Shiloh and Zahara were at the Waldorf-Astoria in NYC on January 2, they got manicures: both girls got their nails painted like Spider-Man, with alternating red, blue and black polish. “Tomboy Shiloh wasn’t so sure about her spa day with Zahara at first,” says a source. “I heard the nanny say, ‘If you get your nails done, I’ll give you a prize.’ Shiloh sucked her thumb the whole time.” Moving on: Britney has been checking into hotels instead of staying at home; recently she stayed at the Mondrian. She apparently misses the environment of a busy hotel when she stops touring and loves having people around her. She’s friendly and talks to everybody and even joked that she would sing at one guest’s wedding. She also ordered chicken wings to be delivered to the gym, which you can’t do at home! Lindsay Lohan on the cutting rumors: “I’ve had that scar on my arm for a long time now. It’s funny it’s just being noticed. I had surgery a while ago for an injury I had when I was younger. Nothing having to do with depression or anything of the sort. Now back off, people. There are more important world issues to focus on.” A source says Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totes in love and “they never fight, they always get along.” Plus: “They try to keep everything dark and sexy. They like to sit around and drink wine and talk about philosophy.” Lastly, we don’t know WTF is going on in this picture but an infant is wearing a gangster suit (see image 8).
Grade: D (mold on strawberries)

In Touch
“Affair With A Teacher.”
A maid named Anna Kowalski, who was fired from the Waldorf-Astoria in December, and was often assigned to Brad and Angie’s suite, says that Angelina had an affair with her dialect coach over the summer while she was shooting Salt in NYC. (Brad was at their rented manse on Long Island.) Kowalski says on night she was working late and was asked to come up to the suite and “the room was a disaster. There was water all over the bathroom and empty vodka bottles everywhere… Over five dozen cattlyea orchids were scattered around the room — and the tops of the flowers were in the tub with candles. The bed was covered with black rubber sheets and there were sex toys on it.” Kowalski had seen the tutor going up to Angie’s room at 10pm that night. Apparently when they first met, Angie told Brad that she’d only ever slept with four people, but “over time, the truth started coming out.” The maid also says Angelina never smiles or says thank you. Another insider, who went with Angie on UN excursions, says Angie “slept with people she met on mercy missions.” The best kind of charity?!?! Moving along: Jen’s “sizzling” look at the Golden Globes was intended for just one person: “ex-hubby Brad Pitt.” A “friend” says: “Jen was sending out a clear message to Brad, saying, ‘If you don’t snap me up, someone else will.'” Another friend says Brad saw Jen on stage with Gerard and felt jealous and made plans to meet up with Jen soon. Next: Britney Spears might be losing it again, because she’s been spotted sleeping in her car while Jason Trawick drives around LA aimlessly, “like you do with a baby in order to get them to sleep.” Also, Britney was out shopping with a stain on her shirt and chipped nail polish. THE HORROR. She also kept messing with her hair, “the same troubling mannerism just prior to shaving her head.” Ina story titled “New Year, New Boobs,” Dr. Harry Haramis, surgical director of Sleek Surgical and Med Spa in New York, says it looks like Penelope Cruz may have had breast augmentation. That, or she’s pregnant. Some other doctor estimates that Kate Gosselin went from a B cup to a D. Leona Lewis has “the outline of implants.” “Serial Date John’s Back On The Prowl” is about John Mayer and his latest “heartbroken victim,” Kate Hudson. See, John has a habit of “preying” on A-list actresses when they are most vulnerable. John got Kate’s digits from a friend and has been wooing her with texts, calls and flowers. A source says John just wants a celeb gf to get more press. In case you haven’t been keeping track, Jessica Simpson was victim No. 1; Cameron Diaz No. 2, Jennifer Aniston was No. 3. Finally: Tobey Maguire and his wife arranged a double date with Jake Gyllenhaal and some chick at Chateau Marmont in an effort to fix Jake up. The girl looked like Reese, but her hair was curlier.
Grade: C (microbes on toothbrush)