This Week In Tabloids: Angie Has "Claws" In Johnny; Taylor Swift Sleeps In Mayer's Suite

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where the stars have been busy! Angelina’s plotting a vodka/pill suicide and simultaneously seducing the Depp; Taylor Swift is hooking up with John Mayer, and Reese Witherspoon’s sleeping with Gerard Butler. Exhausting!

Ok!
“I Still Love Jen — But I Can’t Leave The Kids!” Basically the entire story is on the cover. The mag did an interview with Ian Halperin, who wrote the unauthorized book Brangelina: The Untold Story. He’s “confirmed” with “sources” that Angie and Brad have split but will do that Madonna/Guy Ritchie thing where they don’t talk about it. Months from now, they’ll announce that they have broken up. A source says that Brad has been telling his friends, “I’m still in love with Jen.” Once, he was having a fight with Angie, and she punched him in the arm and asked, “You’re still in love with Jen, aren’t you?” Allegedly Shiloh covers her ears and tells them to stop fighting. As you may know, Brad recently had his beard trimmed. Dr. Gilda Carle, a shrink who does not treat Brad, says: “A beard very often signifies hiding from whatever is around you — all the people and all the problems. Trimming it suggests that he’s willing to be clearer and more honest about everything that’s going on in their relationship. It sends a message without confrontation.” Pay attention, Santa Claus! The only other item of interest in this issue is the news that Katie Holmes has taken Suri to see Mary Poppins on Broadway twice. A source says: “Mary Poppins had Suri entranced. She was already interested in acting, because of her parents, but watching the play has made her even more determined to pursue it.” Suri is three! At that age you may be determined to be an actress, but you are also determined to eat Play-Doh.
Grade: F (being ripped limb from limb by a great white shark)

Us
“Bachelor Dirty Secrets.” Gross. All we had to do was turn to page 77 and see a picture of a woman wearing nothing but bikini bottoms, a Burberry scarf and Uggs to know that this story is an icky waste of time (see image 7). Moving on: Lindsay Lohan has been in discussions about starting something like The View, but geared towards teens and twenty-something women. “She thinks she can relate to young girls,” says a source. When asked to comment, Lindsay told Us the TV show rumor was “not true.” If you’re wondering what to play for that special someone on Valentine’s Day, be sure and check page 63 for Pauly D’s Love Mix, which includes the tender and romantic tune “Sexy Bitch.” (You know, the one that goes, “I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful”?) Lastly, “Its A Situation! Can You Match The Stomach To Its Star?” is an abs quiz (see image 8).
Grade: F (getting attacked and rolled underwater by a crocodile)

Life & Style
“Carrie’s Dream Wedding.” Carrie Underwood’s engagement means the editors can plan their idea of her dream wedding. The mag asked some of Carrie’s fave designers for sketches of wedding gowns they would make for her if asked, and interviewed her stylist and Constantine Maroulis from Idol for random quotes and imagined a guest list (Randy Jackson, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban.) In a word: Snooze. Moving on: Katie Holmes went out to dinner when she was in Utah for the Sundance Film Festival, so the story here is about how she “broke free” and had a glass of wine. Praise Xenu! After being Photoshopped on Ok!, Kourtney Kardashian would like for you to know: “I haven’t lost the baby weight and I’m not in any rush.” Sadie’s post was mentioned in this story! Also inside: John Mayer is still calling Jennifer Aniston. Someone overheard her telling friends at dinner that John’s on tour and has all this extra time on his hands, so he calls her. The source says Jen isn’t even flattered by the attention and doesn’t give a crap. Paraphrasing here! Lastly: Even though Brad and Angie were affectionate at the DGA awards, when he would fill his glass with wine, she would glare at him pointedly. Then he’d put the glass down… But drink it later.
Grade: F (being bitten, shredded and dismembered by wild dogs)

In Touch
“Angelina Threatens Brad.”
Brad is “living” in his “bachelor pad” in the Hollywood Hills — you know, the house other news outlets claim he purchased to expand the Jolie-Pitt compound — and an “insider” says: “Angelina calls Brad at weird hours and sobs and screams for so long it’s been waking her whole house up. She screamed the other night that she would rather not live than see him go back to Jen.” Angie’s rep denies the story, but the story goes on! Angelina also called Brad and told him she’d taken half a bottle of sleeping pills, and that she’d swallow the rest with a bottle of vodka. “Brad raced over to the house, frantic,” says the insider, “but she was just sitting there with the twins, watching films as if nothing had happened.” Mind games! Meanwhile, Angie is “drowning her sorrows in white wine” and “barely eating,” living on “vitamins, coffee and fruit.” The mag claims: “Ever since Brad moved into his bachelor pad, he has been calling Jen dozens of times a day.” Riiiiight. Next: Katie Holmes has been telling “everyone” that she will get pregnant this year. The magazine asks, “Is she showing already?” even though she is not pregnant (see image 9)! The next page, titled “Baby Fever!” has pictures of Khloe Kardashian with a slight curve to her abdomen and Eva Longoria wearing baggy clothes, along with speculations about their respective uteri. Also inside: Jennifer Garner is worried about Ben Affleck being back on the booze. A source claims that Taylor Swift was seen “getting cozy” in a recording studio with John Mayer. She was sitting in his lap, with her arms around him, and was talking in his ear. A source also claims that Taylor recently spent the night in John’s hotel suite — she even ordered mid-morning room service! Since John writes for Gawker now, perhaps he will comment? Reese Witherspoon had a dinner date with Hollywood agent Jim Toth, and “it took them forever to say goodbye.” There are dark, fuzzy stakeout pictures of Reese and the dude kissing good night, but it appears that she merely kissed the air near his cheek, as is Hollywood custom. One thing we do like in this issue? Celebrity kids in tutus (See image 10)! Finally, in a Photoshop Of Horrors mindfuck, we present “How Experts Say The Stars Would Look Without Surgery.” Poorly done — lines in bizarre places — and the message here seems to be, thank God they had surgery — the alternative is worse. Which is bullshit (see image 11).
Grade: D- (clawed by tigers)

Star
“Angie & Johnny!” This story is littered with catty and animalistic references to Angie, like “Angelina Jolie has sunk her claws into Johnny Depp.” She has also “set a trap to snare him” and there’s nothing Brad Pitt can do about it. Angie and Johnny had a read-through for their new movie, The Tourist, which includes a “torrid nude shower scene.” A “source” says Angie was “a shameless tease” and”smiled coyly at [Johnny] the entire time he was reading.” And “the sparks were really flying.” Angie insisted that she needed to meet with Johnny alone at his house: “She’s already spent many hours there, drinking red wine with Johnny, under the guise of preparing for this movie. Angie knows exactly what she is doing.” Says a source. She’s also “bombarding him” with “flirty texts” and “burning up the phone line.” An “insider” says Brad found a copy of Angie’s script with “intimate notes” written on it. When he went to confront Angie, she was on the phone with Johnny! Moving on: Reese Witherspoon secretly hooked up with Gerard Butler a few times at his house in L.A., but she’s not interested in taking it any further and doesn’t want Jake to know. Hopefully he doesn’t read Midweek Madness! Blind item: “Which kooky actor has a taste for tootsies? He tells his wife he’s off to poker night, then visits a massage parlor where employees let him play with their feet, No sex, just toe-sucking.” Mark Wahlberg parked outside Babies R Us and used the expectant mothers spot. A source says: “A woman yelled at him, but he pretended he didn’t hear.” Glee‘s Cory Monteith left his SAG award in the bathroom, and a friend put a roll of toilet paper on it as a joke. Cory decided to leave it there: “Now the award has form and function.” Matt Damon had a few cocktails at the Sunset Tower hotel, and a source says he was totally making a scene — he was dancing around the table, singing a made up song about not letting friends drive drunk. “Everyone was laughing but his wife was rolling her eyes.” The mag says Eminem is back with Kim, and she’s pregnant, but that his rep denies it. Lastly: Jamie Lynn Spears, 18, is dating a businessman from Louisiana who is 28. They’re trying to keep it secret.
Grade: D (black mamba snakebite)