This Week In Tabloids: Angie & Brad Got Married & We All Missed It

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I celebrate the new year by marveling at the fact that Angelina and Brad got married on a beach in the Indian Ocean and kept it a secret.

Ok!
“How I Got Slim”
Oh, look. Kourtney Kardashian in a swimsuit, talking about weight loss. Where have we seen that before? So familiar! She says: “I was 140 when I gave birth, and I’m 95 now.” And: “The first 20 pounds came off easily.” Well, when you push a baby and a placenta out of your body, some weight loss will occur. Also inside: For some reason there’s a spread about how awesome Queen Latifah is, not that we’re complaining. She’s “hotter than ever,” apparently. Finally, Ashley Tisdale is the subject of “What I Ate Today” and we learn that Ezekiel 4:9 toast is the only carb she will eat. I literally yawned while typing that sentence.
Grade: F (New Year’s Eve spent in snake pit)

Us
“Diets That Work”
Although there is a 23-page special about dumb celebrity diets, we’d like to use this space to discuss the horror of Jennifer Lopez’s Team Slytherin shorts. What. The. Fuck. Is the tiny strip of studded fabric an homage to her critically acclaimed film Anaconda? And can we now sing, “my Anaconda don’t want none?” You guys. Seriously. It’s like a boa constrictor exited her vagina and then exploded. TINY SNAKESKIN SHORTS. Moving on: Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding will be boring. Most of the guests won’t be able to see the altar, because Westminster Abbey holds about 3,000 people. There’s no bouquet toss, because brides traditionally leave the bouquet on The Grave Of The Unknown Warrior. Plus, since it’s the Church Of England, no kissing is allowed! Next, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are going to start filming their Newlyweds-type reality show in the spring. A source says it’s going to have the “vibe” of Bravo’s Bethenny Getting Married, but Margaret thought the “vibe” of that show was “this is awful, why would anyone watch it” — so we don’t know what that means. Scott “American Psycho” Disick wanted E! to pay him to feature his kid Mason on Kourtney & Kim Take New New York. E! offered $1,000 an episode, but Scott wanted $5,000 — so E! just decided that Mason won’t appear on the show at all. Adam Levine is the subject of “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” and reveals that he still uses “the bunny-ear method” to tie his shoes; he hasn’t thrown up since he was 9 years old; and “I have a single handsome roommate named Gene.” Lastly: If you’re curious which celebrity baby names are the most liked and most hated, here’s a handy chart (see image 7).
Grade: F (New Year’s Eve spent alone in solitary confinement in prison)

Life & Style
“America’s Most Hated Housewife?”
What we have here is a recap of what’s happening on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Moving on: A spy overheard Russell Brand talking about how much transcendental meditation has helped his performance in bed. Lucky Katy Perry! Here’s some vintage gossip: Willie Garson, who played Stanford Blatch on Sex And The City, says he dated Sarah Jessica Parker in the late ’80s, when she took a break from her relationship with Robert Downey Jr. “If more people knew,” he jokes, “perhaps they wouldn’t think I’m gay in real life.” Next we have a quote from a Rogaine rep, regarding Prince William: “We’ve been watching Prince William’s growing bald spot closely, for years, and we believe Rogaine can help.” According to a sidebar, “If William starts using Unscented Men’s Rogaine Foam now, he could have new hair in time or the nuptials.” The guy also says: “When he’s on the altar and the world is looking at the back of his head, he won’t have to worry about the hair that’s not there.” An article called “Why Nicole Gave Up Her Kids” is kind of mean. The copy reads, “While Nicole doesn’t seem too affected by not having her children in her life anymore, the repercussions may be far more serious for Bella and Connor.” A lady who has no connection to Nicole but wrote a book called Generation X: Adult Children Of Divorce And The Healing Of Our Pain says: “It’s a huge rejection for the children. You almost never hear about a mother giving up her children without a fight. It will be very challenging for those kids to create healthy attachments of their own later on.” Yes, but more because they go to Scientology camp, amirite? Lastly: Kim Kardashian claims hat she gained 10 pounds while in New York, so now she’s sharing her tips for how she lost the weight in 2 weeks. She suggests we eat peach crepes for breakfast, coconut soup with shrimp and shiitake mushrooms for lunch, and Kobe beef wrapped in lettuce for dinner. You know, stuff we have in the back of the fridge. In her defense, we hate that the mag called her “lumpy” on the cover. Jerks.
Grade: F (New Year’s Eve spent with little person in a diaper unless it’s 1943 and you are Weegee)

Star
“Jessica’s A Homewrecker!”
Eric Johnson and his wife Keri met Jessica Simpson at a party at her house in 2009. In a recent radio interview, Jessica says she never met or spoke to Keri in her life. It could be that she doesn’t remember? Anyway. A “friend” of Keri’s says Eric and Keri agreed to take a break from their marriage. Keri hoped that they could work out their problems, then heard that Eric and Jessica were spending time together. It’s difficult to understand how Jessica could be a homewrecker when Eric and his wife were separated. The “friend” has her doubts about Eric and Jessica being compatible, since Eric is vegan — and so was Keri. But whatever, moving on. Were you aware that Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt were both in a 1988 episode of 21 Jump Street? Brad guest starred as a high school heartthrob and he and Depp had a brief interaction in the cafeteria! Reese Witherspoon has made rules for Jim Toth since he’s moved into her house: No open soda cans or foil-wrapped leftovers in the fridge. No sleeping in on Sundays and skipping church. No maintenance visits not cleared with her, since Reese is handy — and no drinking in front of the kids. (Reese and I would not make a good couple.) Kevin Federline will not marry his girlfriend Victoria Prince, because if he does, Britney can stop paying him spousal support. Shenae Grimes has been hooking up with John Mayer, but John is trying to keep it low-profile. For once. A-Rod’s ex-wife Cynthia allegedly warned him to keep Cameron Diaz away from their kids; she’s annoyed that he always lets his ladyfriends — like Madonna Kate Hudson — get close to the kids while they’re dating. Cynthia is a psychologist, and knows how hard it is on kids when they get attached to someone and then have that person yanked out of their lives. Breaking: Katie Holmes had dark circles under her eyes on her birthday. Lastly: 12 pages of “Stars Without Makeup” offers captions like “Emma Watson could pass for one of Harry Potter’s male pals” and “Amanda Seyfried is a little old for a full-fledged break out.” Oh, and 19-year-old Maci Bookout from Teen Mom “should pay a little more attention to those acne breakouts.” She says she’s low-maintenance, the mag says: “that doesn’t mean no maintenance.” Maybe taking care of her kid is more important to her than putting on makeup. Fuckers.
Grade: D (New Year’s Eve in Times Square)

In Touch
“Inside Their Secret Wedding.”
We have no idea if this story is true, but the magazine certainly spun a delightful yarn. And! They got creative in Photoshop: A picture of Angelina and Brad on a red carpet was used to magically transport them to an island in Seychelles. My mom went there in the ’80s and talked about that vacation for twenty years. Margaret notes that in the spread, Angie and Brad look large enough to devour the lounge chairs on the deck (see image 8). But we do, in the words of Tina Fey, want to go to there. Here’s how the tale unfolds: “Weeks before Christmas, Angelina and Brad whisked their six children off to a tropical paradise and gave them a gift they would never forget: A wedding.” Note the caption next to Pax and Maddox, which reads, “They wanted this for so long.” On November 23, Brad and Angelina and a “handful of friends,” including Angelina’s brother, headed to Seychelles. There, Angelina and Brad exchanged vows “in a romantic though not legally binding ceremony” at a resort in the archipelago. No priest was present. The ceremony was on the beach, and it was beautiful. Of course! All the kids were involved, and they wore their best clothes. We can neither confirm nor deny that Shiloh wore trousers. But! This isn’t the end! “Brad and Angelia considered this a rehearsal for the real wedding, which will take place very soon, probably in Hungary.” Brad and Angie have been wearing “simple gold bands” on THAT finger, so you know this story is true!!! (See image 9.) Moving on: Nick Lachey may be his own assistant. A business associate says: “We get calls from Nick Lachey’s ‘assistant’ who sounds very much like himself. Funny how he and this ‘assistant’ have the exact same voice.” Maybe it’s his brother? The one from 98 Degrees? Does that guy have a job? Charlie Sheen’s kids were alone on Christmas. Brooke Mueller was in a sober living facility, and Charlie has “barricaded” himself in his estate. The 21-month-old twins were in the care of rotating nannies. Sigh. Taylor Swift wants Taylor Lautner back! A source says she’s not over him, they still text, and she’s “physically more attracted to Taylor than to Jake.” In fact, “she would dump Jake in a minute if Taylor took her back.” In “Celebrity Trainers Tell All,” We learn that if we want abs like those of Megan Fox, we have to “work them in every direction.” She does double crunches, dumbbell side bends and trunk twists. And 50 Cent’s trainer has a tip for us as well: “Sleep in your workout gear.” Really? Just sleeping in yoga pants will make us skinny? Good to know! In Teen Mom news, we learn that Amber Portwood’s ex, Gary Shirley, “goes out almost every night” and frequents a strip club called Hoosier Girls. He’s also been seen screaming at Amber over the phone, lovely things like “you’re a slut, you’re a bitch, you’re a nasty whore.” Lastly, in an effort to cleanse the palate: Panda-monium. (see image 10)
Grade: C (New Year’s Eve alone on a tropical island)