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There's Serious Eyebrow Drama Going Down in Florida

Illustration for article titled Theres Serious Eyebrow Drama Going Down in Florida
Screenshot: Instagram

A travesty, a robbery, a thievery of brows has taken place at an eyebrow salon in Hollywood, Florida and has been dutifully reported out by TikTok user, Jgoldiee, nee Jordan Singer, the victim of this atrocious crime. As difficult as it is to deliver a story so scarring, it is my duty as an agent of internet news to amplify Singer’s voice in the hopes that no other person in the south Florida area endures this kind of suffering again.

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Like any other red-blooded American with excellent eyebrows, Singer had a favorite eyebrow lady, Loula, whom she entrusted with her well-shaped eyebrows which perfectly frame her face. Allegedly, Loula moved to a different salon, which Singer identifies as Athena Brow Boutique in Hollywood, Florida. Upon her move, Loula contacted her loyal client to pull up and get those quarantine brows taken care of.

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Singer entered what she believed was the correct brow salon, but was actually a different business, Queen Nails, in the same strip mall, where she was met by a technician who claimed Loula had given her the directive to do Singer’s brows. (This moment is the exact reason why parents teach their children about stranger danger.) Singer entrusted this stranger with her precious gifts from up above and the unnamed technician “physically scammed” Singer’s brows off her face.

Singer was, understandably, near tears as she told her harrowing tale of her new eyebrows, which, for the record, are fine, but noticeably thinner than how she’s been styling them for the last year, as observed by scrolling through her Instagram. Singer implied in her videos that, Loula and another salon, Queen Nails, are in a heated eyebrow salon beef and Singer was stolen from Loula, used as a pawn in the larger war, innocence stripped off her face with hot wax.

But according to the Miami New Times, the battle of the brows goes much, much deeper. The owner of Queen Nails told New Times that the aesthetician in question didn’t speak English and likely didn’t understand Singer when she asked, “Is Loula here?” making the interaction more of a misunderstanding than a horrific feud. Singer rejects these claims, arguing that she and the aesthetician conversed with ease during their brow session. Making matters more confusing, when the New Times sent a reporter to Queen Nails and asked for Loula and one aesthetician responded, “I’m Loula” to which the original Loula told the news outlet, “I would like to make it known that I am the Loula.”

We just want the truth goddammit!

Singer, praise the heavens, survived this encounter and will be returning to the original Loula, who by the grace of all the angels will be able to restore Singer’s brows to their former glory.

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I implore you: if you are returning out into the world and need to do your eyebrows first, quadruple check your location and call your eyebrow lady to make sure everything is right. Don’t let Jordan Singer’s eyebrow loss have been in vain.

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DISCUSSION

foxtrotecho
Foxtrot Echo

They’re just eyebrows. They’ll grow back.

I once repeated over and over, trying to quell the rising panic after waxing the tail of my right eyebrow clean off.

I geddit.