The Year in Snakes, Ranked

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

Here at Jezebel we like to keep tabs on cute critters. Sometimes raccoons get stuck in drains or a meerkat does a photoshoot with a pumpkin. We laugh, we cry, we blog. We want you to have the news you can really use.


But there were several times this year when animal news wasn’t cute. It was repulsive, even, and it was all because of snakes. The snake stories...they just kept coming. We’d wake up to find a new news item that a snake was found in someone’s living room, then in a Walmart parking lot, and then in a toilet. Maybe your toilet?

There were reports that snake populations were growing in 2017, but then the San Diego zoo politely pointed out that heavy rains just make snakes more comfortable to come out and terrorize you. Ah, okay. That makes me feel much better.

Illustration for article titled The Year in Snakes, Ranked

When I looked back on this year, I realized that 2017 was an incredible year for snakes. They just had an absolutely fantastic time terrifying everyone! And luckily for you I kept track of all these disgusting creatures, much to the delight of my coworkers.

So I present, the year in snakes, ranked:

20. The hypothetical snakes you will always despise because new studies show that hating snakes is hardwired into our human brains

19. The new snake that was discovered and named after Cerberus, Hades’ multi-headed dog who guards the gates of the Underworld.

18. The insidious brown tree snakes killing forests in Guam

17. The Copperhead snakes that are biting everyone in Georgia

16. Louis C.K.

15. All the snakes who were butchered to death by this cool 72-year-old woman because it’s an honor, honestly

14. This “big son of a bitch” snake who got caught in North Carolina

13. These 84 deathly snakes that were uncovered in a Los Angeles home

12. Andrew Cuomo

11. The snakes who are wreaking havoc in Bangkok and popping up in EVERYONE’S toilets


10. Amanda the Snake

9. This rattlesnake who casually popped up in someone’s toilet, who gave away the other *chills* 13 snakes living under the house

8. These 40 snakes dropped off in a Walmart parking lot who were clearly just looking for great deals

7. Taylor Swift

6. This giant ass snake chilling on the L train

5. This snake who tried to catch a ride with some cool teens by crawling into their car

4. These five live king cobras that landed at JFK with their dreams and their cardigans

3. This poisonous snake who bit someone at Longhorn Steakhouse

2. This snake who went to rehab for meth because I’m proud of him

1. These King Cobras hiding in chip cans because, lol

Congrats to snakes, I hope you have a phenomenal 2018!

Hazel Cills is the Pop Culture Reporter at Jezebel. Her writing has been published by outlets including The Los Angeles Times, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, The New York Times Magazine, ELLE, and more.


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