The Shittiest Gift You've Ever Given

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Here at Pissing Contest HQ, weekly themes routinely fall under two umbrellas: brutal-yet-hilarious tales of personal embarrassment, and moments other idiots were in the wrong (who cares if they read this, they are idiots). This week, I’m leaning firmly into the former: It’s the holiday season, and I want to hear all about the shittiest gift you’ve ever given—in December, for a birthday, any time, really.

What was it? Was your aim to insult, or was that the result? Please, get very specific and detailed in the comments below. As always, funny answers are preferable.

But before all that, let’s check out last week’s winners. These are your most memorable rejection stories.

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iamthemob, this is an incredible rejection and YOU WIN:

I applied to be a poll worker for this election, hoping to alleviate the burden on people who were at high risk for COVID-19, and they told me that they couldn’t accept my application because they were all full.

BEST. REJECTION. EVER.

Snide-O-Mite, this is infuriating:

After the 2000 election, I was interviewing at a nonprofit. Everyone was looking for work. It was rough, and I’d been rejected so much.

The first interview was pretty rigorous. My second interview was with the CEO. It’s snowing hard outside. The entire interview went like this:

CEO: thank you so much for coming in during this snowy weather!

Me: thanks so much. I’m really excited about the job!

[silence]

CEO: there’s something I want to disclose about the position. We already have an internal candidate for consideration, but our charter requires us to interview external candidates so... how’s the weather? Getting worse?

Me: umm

CEO: [five minutes of idle chit chat about the weather] okay this has been great! Good luck to you.

kitten with a scrip, WTF?:

Back in the ‘90s I spent what I thought was an incredible weekend with a guy I liked a lot. A day or so later he called me to let me know that thanks to the time he’d spent with me, he’d decided to ask his ex-girlfriend to marry him.

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Seabassy, he had your number, and good for him:

~13 years ago...

I’d been (not secretly) dating two guys. The shitty one demanded I choose one of them, so of course 24-year-old me dumped the nice one in a pathetic cowardice *email*.

Flash forward 4 months and I’m walking home alone at night, crying, carrying a stack of gifts, on my birthday. Shitty One had totally ruined my birthday dinner and ditched me after my friends had already all gone home. My phone was dead and Uber didn’t exist yet.

A car pulls up and it is Nice One, who very kindly takes pity on me and gives me a lift. We get to my building and have a nice chat about what each has been up to. In my emotional state I misread the non-existent signals and tried to kiss him. He intercepted my face with his open palm and a “yeaaaahhhh, no. Goodnight.”

Two days later I emailed him to say thanks and ask if he wanted to grab a drink? He emailed back like a week later, “No thanks. You really hurt me a few months ago, and I can sense you’re about to do it again. I respect myself more than that. Have a good life.”

It felt so brutal and humiliating at the time, but he was 1000% right. It was also the first time a romantic partner showed healthy boundaries, which in turn led me to practice some healthier boundaries with the Shitty One... though it did take me like 3 more months to finally stay broken up with him.

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BlahBlahBlahXXX, uh, what was she thinking?

I once had a girl stick her head in my door with the “We need to talk.” line while I was preparing to shortly give a really important and really stressful presentation. Not the greatest sense of timing, that one.

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BooYakasha, I feel this in my soul:

One of my very first crushes was on a kid named Michael Gregory (yeah, I’m using real names). This was I believe 1st grade. It was Valentine’s Day. I handed him a card and some of those heart shaped message candies and told him that I liked him.

He literally threw the candy in my face, told me he hated me and ran away.

I’ve never been the same since.

MissBoomChakalaka, I... this is confounding:

I’ve been rejected A LOT in my life – from schools, jobs, men. But one always sticks out because I didn’t even know I was in a position to be rejected in the first place.

After college I was working at a health food store. There was this shy, quiet born-again Christian guy working with me. He was so awkward and innocent I used to invite him to eat lunch with me, and I’d ask him questions about his life and try to joke with him so he wouldn’t feel left out.

One day, he pulls me aside and says something along the lines of, “This harassment has got to end. I’m not in any way interested in you, and if you continue trying to court me, I’ll have to go to management.” I think he added something unnecessary at the end of that like, “And I also find you repulsive.”

I was so confused and embarrassed I just said OK and tried to find a hole to crawl into.

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Let’s see those shitty gifts! Or just... hear about them in considerable detail!

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

marvinogravelbaloonface
Marvinogravelbaloonface

What do you get the woman who has everything? My grandmother used to smoke a lot, so for Christmas one year I got her a carton of Kent 100s.  My parents were not pleased.