The Only Thing Worse Than a Ghost in Your Closet Is a Very Alive Pervert

Photo: Guilford County Jail

I thought Donald Trump’s Big Racist Speech would be the most horrifying thing I’d hear this week, but the world is full of many terrors. Specifically this one: a college student who thought her closet was haunted by a ghost discovered the ghost was actually A. Human. Man. Hiding. In. Her. Apartment.

According to local affiliate Fox 8, the University of North Carolina at Greensboro junior, identified only as Maddie, recently began to notice some strange happenings in her off-campus apartment. Her clothes started going missing, for one thing. She found handprints on her bathroom wall. At first, Maddie and her roommate attributed the unexplained weirdness to an otherworldly Spirit, as one does, but on Saturday they learned their visitor was MUCH less dateable:

“I just hear rattling in my closet. It sounded like a raccoon in my closet,” Maddie said. “I’m like who’s there? And somebody answers me. He’s like ‘oh my name is Drew.’ I open the door and he’s in there, wearing all of my clothes. My socks. My shoes. And he has a book bag full of my clothes.”

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Oh, good, there’s a photo!

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The Not Ghost in question was one 30-year-old Andrew Swofford, according to police, and Maddie and her roommate have no idea how he got into their apartment. He seemed to like it in there, though, per Maddie:

“He tries on my hat. He goes in the bathroom and looks in the mirror and then is like ‘you’re really pretty, can I give you a hug?’ she recalls. “But he never touched me.”

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Swofford fled Maddie’s apartment when her boyfriend showed up, according to CBS affiliate WFMY, and police arrested him at a nearby gas station. He has been charged with misdemeanor breaking and entering.

As for how long Swofford had been surreptitiously taking up residence in Maddie’s closet: “We always joke that there’s a ghost in here because I’ve been missing clothes since I’ve been living here, like shirts – like a shirt at a time or pants at this time – it makes me think he’s been here before,” Maddie told WFMY.

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My apartment building once caught fire and destroyed all my belongs AND IT WAS LESS TERRIFYING THAN THIS STORY. For the love of Christ, get the fuck out of that apartment, I will help you move!!!!!

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