The Dumbest Thing Ever Done To Get Laid

After going through over a thousand entries for the dumbest must-get-laid story, we narrowed it down to ten tales of lust and loss. But now the votes are in, and there can be only one winner…

So give it up (heh) for commenter jaimewilleatyou! Though all our finalists were filled with win, her dedication, and slightly stalker-y behavior, won this brave reader a $50 gift certificate to Good Vibrations online sex shop. A little advice: Buy yourself something nice so you never have to go through this again.

And once more, for good measure:

The Stratego.

When I was in college, I had a heartbreaking, obsessive, and majorly unrequited crush on a friend of a friend. Though I’d only spoken to him a few times, I found his MySpace and spent hours scouring it for every detail about his life and likes and friends in order to develop the appropriate seduction tactics.

It was a three part strategy:

1) Become a Guitar Hero Goddess
I surmised from his MySpace that he loved Guitar Hero, so I called up a friend and asked if I could come over and train at her house, because I knew she had the game. We stayed up all night and played until breakfast, but I got really, really good (I can still kick everyone’s ass).

2) Show Him My Indie Rock Prowess
He was really into Murder By Death and Tokyo Police Club (again, gleaned from MySpace), so I bought all of their albums, studied their wikis, and then made him a mix cd that had both of those artists on there, along with others that kind of sounded like one or the other. Hoping he’d casually listen to it and then realize that we were musical soul mates.

3) Start Smoking
He was a chain smoker, and I’d never had a cigarette in my life, so I bought a pack, and a lighter, and sat in my backyard and smoked until I wasn’t choking anymore. I then proceeded to vomit all over my lawn.

But here’s where it gets really bad…

His birthday was coming up, and I noticed he liked to use those lighters with the adjustable flames. He liked to turn them all the way up so that he could hold the lighter 6 inches under his cigarette and still light it (badass, right? ha). So I decided to buy him a creme brulee blow torch. Yeah. A blow torch.

I showed up at his birthday party with the blow torch and the CD in hand, and when I gave it to him, his response was, “You’re so-and-so’s roommate right?” He opened the present and looked at the mini torch, completely confused. “It’s to, uh, light your cigarettes.” I stammered.

Although we ended up talking that night (over cigarettes no less) and, eventually, became MySpace friends, I never got to show him my Guitar Hero skills. Nor did we ever talk about the creepy birthday presents or our similar music taste. And none of this ever got me laid.

Kudos, Jaimewilleatyou, for your war-like approach to the art of seduction. We salute you.

And thanks to everyone who participated. Though many of your stories did not end in the hoped-for carnal encounter, every one helped dispel the myth that women can get it whenever, wherever we want. Because sometimes, it’s just not that easy – even when you are.