The Duke of York Actually Can’t Make Mummy’s Thing

Queen Elizabeth II, despite having covid and being as old as Stonehenge, has made it to her Platinum Jubilee. It’ll be four days of pomp and circumstance all in celebration of 70 years on the throne and about 25 years of keeping Prince Charles off it.

Unfortunately for the old broad, Elizabeth’s alleged favorite son will not be in attendance. Andrew, an accused sex offender and former prince, will not be attending the year’s hottest social event because, get this, Andrew has just come down with covid. It’s “with regret” that Andrew will miss a special church service on Friday night.

Hahahaaaaa I have never disbelieved a public statement so quickly in my life.

Andrew, the Duke of York who had to return any and all military affiliations and Royal patronages and stop work as a public royal, has covid? Andrew, the man who had to settle a civil lawsuit with a woman accusing him of multiple sexual assaults, has covid? Andrew, the man whose relationship with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein somehow managed to outshine the racist treatment of Meghan Markle, has covid? Andrew was going to be involved at all in a public celebration of Elizabeth’s 70 years on the throne???

If a supermarket tabloid that regularly prints Elvis sightings told me that someone personally injected a viral load of coronavirus into Andrew, I would find that more believable. But you’re telling me, Randy Andy got regular old covid during his mummy’s most special week? When he’s only allowed to attend a Friday night church service because he’s no longer a working royal?? I’m officially ordering red string for my conspiracy wall.

The turn of the century helped so much in the rehabilitation of the Royal Family. Despite the popularity of The Crown and renewed interest in Princess Diana’s mistreatment, Elizabeth remains a popular figure. Why let Andrew’s presence mar this celebration in any way?

It would be sad to not have all of your children at your biggest day, but I imagine the person who had to step away from royal life because his brand was too toxic would get it. You didn’t have to give him covid to do it.