The Best Of The Absolute Worst Christmas Decorations

Tomorrow is the first day of December, and we’re already being inundated with Christmas crap! Here’s a handy buyers guide.

The holiday is about the winter solstice and birth of Jesus Christ, but you’d never know it from the North Pole outhouse figurines, Troy Polamalu and pickle ornaments. Some of the weird stuff out there is actually kind of cool, like battery-operated Animal playing the drums. Some of it is kitschy, like Godzilla stomping Tokyo or Spock and Kirk battling to the death. But then there’s plenty of Christmas junk that’s plain bad. Terrible idea, poor execution, mind-blowingly ugly — the gang’s all here!

You know how the story goes: ‘Twas the night before Christmas; the chimney was covered with soot, not a creature was stirring, not even Big Foot. [Amazon]

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like setting a caroler’s hair on fire. [Vermont Country Store]

Sometimes something is so bad it almost goes all the way back around to good again. As in just when you think you’re horrified by this, you realize how cute it might be in a Hollywood-esque boudoir. [Vermont Country Store]

Nothing we can write will be better than the official description of this item:
It’s time to get down this holiday season. This snowman pops, locks and drops it to the tune “Get Low” by Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz whenever his hand is pressed. His fun smile and energy are sure to enliven the atmosphere in anyone’s home. For indoor use only. In case you are not aware, the lyrics to “Get Low” include such festive phrases as “To the window, to the wall/To the sweat drip down my balls/To all these bitches crawl.” And don’t forget to do your crawling indoors only! [Bed Bath & Beyond]

Yes, Virginia, Santa has a bong. [Vermont Country Store]

A nice way to say “Christmas stinks.” [Bronner’s]

When the baby Jesus was born, he had no idea that someday someone would celebrate his birth with a “Tootin Tushies” ornament that farts when you squeeze it. [The Gag via Amazon]

When Kris Kringle/St. Nick was born, he had no idea that someday someone would use a likeness of his bare ass for a “Tootin Tushies” ornament that farts when you squeeze it. [The Gag via Amazon]

Get on your knees and pray to rubber ducky Jesus. And hail rubber ducky Mary, and Joseph, and the Wisemen, and so on. Seems like as good a time as any to use the phrase “Lord love a duck.” [Just4Fun via Amazon]

People love the movie A Christmas Story and that’s fine, but there’s no denying that as a string of lights this is hideous. [Christmas Vacation Collectibles via Amazon]

“Luke… I am your father, and I will crack your nuts.” [JAF Gifts via Amazon]

Strong the Christmas is with this one. [Newbury Comics via Amazon]

The worst part about Yoda as Santa is not that he’s being forced to celebrate an Earth-centric holiday, but that, thanks to Mel Brooks in Spaceballs, we always assumed Yoda was Jewish. And look unhappy he is about being forced to give kids toys! Sigh. [Amazon]

So the man breaking into our houses via chimney is a wino? And it should be called Winemas? Good to know. [JAF Gifts via Amazon]

These are real shotgun shells, made into Christmas tree lights. “Jingle bells, shotgun shells” is not how the song actually goes, but whatever. And in case you think this holiday is all about Omar from The Wire, the serving suggestion at the bottom reminds you that killing defenseless animals is what it’s all about. O holy night! [For Every Season via Amazon]

On some level, inflatable fruitcake is genius. As the copy reads, “It’s festive, it’s traditional and it’s inedible — just like the real thing.” But still, fruitcake is bad! And no joking matter. [Archie McPhee]

At some point, when looking at Christmas crap, your perspective can get skewed; you may begin to think, “Hmm, reindeer playing Twister, that’s not so bad…” Newsflash: It’s bad. Really bad. [Toybliss via Amazon]

It’s possible to “get” tacky ornaments. I totally get cupcakes. Cupcakes are adorable! And delicious. What I don’t get are cupcakes with spider legs. And oven mitts. And purses. Why, God? Why? [Christmas Central via Amazon]

If aliens ever visit, they have every right to ask, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” And then laser us all in a mercy death blast. [Christmas Central via Amazon]

This item is billed as being “for dog lovers,” but it might as well just be “for those who like crap.” Because this is poop. Fake poop, covered with a light layer of fake snow. Bringing new meaning to the idea of shitty holiday decorations. (See also: caganer.) [Chimpfeet Pet Lover Gifts via Amazon]