If movies have taught me anything, it is that class reunions are a strange exercise in one-upmanship for no legitimate purpose other than ego redemption. (Unless, of course, you’re trying to get back together with your high school sweetheart.) Does anyone really care to see how successful you turned out to be? That doesn’t change the fact that you were still a dork in 10th grade.
Anyway, I’ve never been to a class reunion, so I have no delicious story to share, but I’d love to hear from you. What’s the gossip from your class reunions? Who got too drunk? Who did you make out with? Hit us in the comments below.
And now, it’s time to check out last week’s winners. These are the dumb ways you’ve hurt yourself, and guess what? They are very dumb.
Muqaddimah (call me Muck), I am ashamed to admit this cracked me up. I’m so sorry, you win:
I once gave myself a serious corneal abrasion when I jammed a hockey-stick shaped piece of moulded plastic into my eye. It happened as I was being given a tour of a facility that required hard hats and protective eyewear for visitors. Yes, I almost blinded myself with the arm of a pair of safety glasses.
48crash, I hope your spouse doesn’t read Jezebel… or do I?
Fell off a curb and sprained my ankle while playing Pokemon Go on the way to work. My spouse had to come pick me up, and I lied about what happened because I was so embarrassed.
When I was about 10, I fell through the springs of a trampoline and broke my arm on the metal frame as I crashed down. That was dumb. However, even dumber was two weeks later I am rollerblading with that broken arm and trip over a pinecone. As I’m falling, I’m worried about falling on the arm with the cast on, so I make sure I fall on the other side…..and subsequently break THAT arm as well. Two broken arms makes doing grade school homework pretty tough. (I’m typing this as I sit at home with a broken ankle, which happened while downhill mountain biking. Some would also call that dumb, but honestly, it was pretty rad until it wasn’t, lol.)
When reloading the stapler (an object 8 year-old me was not supposed to handle), I stapled both of my thumbs together. I pressed the chamber closed with my thumbs side by side, not understanding stapler dynamics. My parents keeled over laughing and made me pose for photos with my bloody, stapled-together thumbs before they finally removed the staple with pliers.
Last year, I decided to treat myself at my favorite local Mexican place, because it had been a hell of a day and my divorce was being finalized and I just… really needed a taco.
Welp, walked two feet into the restaurant, slipped on a tortilla chip. Two years of roller derby training told me to fall directly on my knee- which is great if you have pads, but not so great if you’re falling directly on to tile. Ankle swelled, knee swelled, and I just LEFT because I only had insurance for three more days and I wanted an Xray immediately. The manager tried to get me to stay, probably afraid I was going to sue them, but I left because I wanted to be able to go back someday without them being like “oh that’s the chick that fell”.
tl;dr- I was betrayed by my greatest love, tortilla chips
(For the record, I got an Xray on my knee and the walk-in doctor barely looked at it before telling me it was fine and I just needed to lose weight. It’s not fine.)
stalefrybread, this is so dangerous! I hope your threw out that damn lamp.
I was a hot drunk mess in my 20s so there are so many stories.
On my desk in my studio apartment I had one of those 90s Halogen lamps that get hotter than the sun. The arm on the lamp was wonky and thus whole thing tipped over now and again.
Being the type of 20-nothing who would rather spend her money on booze than lamps, I failed to replace it. One night I got shitfaced and passed out with my head on the desk. The lamp tipped over at some point after I fell asleep and I awoke later to the pungent smell of burning hair.
My long flowing hair had been singed in one large chunk at the nape of my neck. I refused to get a short haircut, so I just lobbed off the chunk that burned and pretended it was some new punk style.
I managed to stab myself in the leg with a scalpel while trimming flash off of a lead D&D miniature I was preparing to paint. Due to the force I was putting into the cut, when I made it my hand glanced off the table weirdly and the next stop was my thigh, and deeply so. After staring at it like an idiot, I hobbled into the bathroom for some tissue and yanked it out, mopping up blood and applying pressure (I may not have been cool, but I was pretty resilient (or just used to being clumsy)).
I also walked into a plate glass window. In a fucking Ophthalmologists. I wasn’t physically hurt though, so I guess it doesn’t count…
