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What's the Dumbest Way You've Hurt Yourself?

AFP via Getty Images
AFP via Getty Images
Image: VIKTOR DRACHEV (Getty Images)

Statistically speaking, all humans injure themselves at some point in their lifetime. Some more than others. For example, the other day I accidentally tripped on nothing and bruised my eye, also on nothing. Most days end with me blogging in bed, horizontal, drifting off the sleep only to be awakened by the sudden crash of my laptop colliding with my face. It is an injury because I wear glasses and you’d think I’d know better, but I don’t. I’m brave to reveal that fact about myself and now I want you to do the same. Tell us, what are all of the dumb ways you’ve injured yourself? I’m not as interested in all the dumb ways the actions of others might’ve have injured you, but please feel free to wax poetic on all the ways you’ve caused your own devastation.

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But before all that, let’s take a look at last week’s winners. We asked to see your sad excuse for a desk, and while I’d like to say you delivered, most of you posted photos of very nice desk situations. I only want the worst.

PenguinLust2:ElectricBoogigloo, this sucks. You’re a winner!:

Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Hurt Yourself?
Screenshot: PenguinLust2:ElectricBoogigloo
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Bernd, this looks pretty cozy, but because you also don’t have a desk or even a coaster, I think this sucks. You’re a winner!:

The wonders of my previous one bedroom apartment. My boyfriend needs two monitors, a phone, and a laptop, so he got the dining room table.

And then me, with two pillows and a 11 year old laptop. On my bed.

Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Hurt Yourself?
Screenshot: Bernd

CagefreeHen, this is absolutely cursed. You’re a winner, and I’m sorry:

This is the Jezebel content I come for! Behold, my “convertible” desk. Shown here in the seated position - tv tray table, spare tv doubling as a monitor, and the tiniest space for my mouse. The standing desk is on the bottom right, an admittedly nice posable laptop stand from Amazon, and box to prop up the second “monitor” already propped up on a box.

Not pictured is the upper back pain building steadily since March, till our office finally let us pick up our chairs and wrist pads this week!

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Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Hurt Yourself?
Screenshot: CagefreeHen

internetabortion, you’re a winner:

Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Hurt Yourself?
Screenshot: internetabortion
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MillipedeVanillipede, this is a lot. You win!:

I have stored the following photo collage on my desktop (hur) with the filename “travesty.jpg.” And the thing is, this place is currently SERIOUSLY fucking organized. You can’t see the wall of bins ‘n’ shelves containing all the other products/projects/supplies, but I swear to god it’s all sorted and I know *exactly* where everything is. Ribbon spools? Sorted by width. Boxes of thread? Sorted by color, as is all the glitter. Also not shown : oh those two janky lookin metal things out in the shed with stuff piled on them? Are actually a pair of rather bad-ass vintage Yawman & Erbe file cabinets, which are now cleaned, stacked, and ready to be filled with _____. Woo! Computer-Work Desk (not to be confused with Project-Work Desk) is also unusually clean, due to the fact that I got up this morning after not sleeping AT ALL because it was 86 degrees in the house because our AC’s air exchange thing died yesterday, went to kitchen and grabbed coffee and my water bottle and a package I got, went to office, put down package ... and knocked over water bottle all over desk. MY DAY’S GOING GREAT THANKS.

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Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Hurt Yourself?
Screenshot: MillipedeVanillipede

goddessoftransitoryrisesagain, I felt this:

No pics, because I don’t have a cell phone and downloading from our camera is a pain, plus I actually answer phones at the call center and still go in to work, so my home desk is just for personal use.

However, picture this:

A small, worn out cheap veneered wooden desk I bought a good twenty years ago, secondhand, that takes a licking and keeps on ticking. It is stuffed with everything from tax returns to my sister’s kids’ art projects to spare toy mousies for the cats.

On top is a row of books that constantly threatens to topple over because nobody makes friggin’ bookends that weigh enough to be practical anymore. Also a small desk lamp from Target with little painted birdies on the shade, a fan/heater, an adorable tray with a picture of a bunny and daffodils on it that mom sent me for “entertaining” (HAH) but I use to hold mail, my laptop, a copy of the collected works of Arthur C. Clarke, and a big pile of flyers. I use them to fan myself while riding my exercise bike (it’s in the bedroom as well) and the Clarke to prop up my laptop so I can more easily watch MST or Rifftrax while doing so.

In front is a faux-leather chair that’s wearing the hell out—cracking, faux leather peeling off the arms and sticking to my human arms, continually sinks down until my chin’s practically on my keyboard—that has both my red plaid car blanket and my Christmas gift from nephew thermal blanket printed with Snoopys on it. It also has a pair of jeans draped over the back if I’m home and in PJs for the day.

PROFESSIONAL.

JustBrian, fine, you win:

you really want a picture of my unmade bed?

If you have photographic evidence and really feel motivated to share it, I won’t dissuade you, but remember your fellow commenters! No blood, please.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

mrobthemathsnob
MRob the Math Snob

Just out of curiosity, how many of you burned yourself with a car lighter as a kid?