Why Not Move Into an Abandoned Mine Instead?
If you have ever doubted the ability of capitalist logic to turn even the humblest of objects into a commodity for the…
There Is No Amount of Money I'd Be Willing to Pay for Ed Sheeran's Underpants
Ed Sheeran, a ginger troubadour with only one song that I will admit to liking (out loud), is auctioning off his persona…
The Property Brothers Scripted Series Will Be the Thing That Finally Kills Me Dead
The Property Brothers are two big and tall boys who sort of know how to do home renovation; they are also illusionists…
A Brief History of 'National Boss Day,' Which Somehow Really Exists
Today is “National Boss Day,” the most ridiculous fake holiday that exists.
I'm Sure Kanye and Donald Trump Will Have a Very Productive Meeting
I am sorry to say, but Kanye West is going to the White House to meet his new best friend.
Steve Bannon Inexplicably Invited to Open His Mouth Hole at the New Yorker Festival
Steve Bannon, a sack of rotting beans stuffed inside some stitched-together skin, has been invited to speak at the…
What Is This
I was recently informed of the existence of something called the “Uncrustable,” a soft hunk of bread type-thing filled…
Today on the Dumbest Timeline: Steven Seagal Picked to 'Improve' Russian & U.S. Relations
Actor Steven Seagal, whose martial arts film credits include several direct-to-video Golden Raspberry winners and whose…
Watch a Shirtless, Cereal-Eating Ansel Elgort Pitch a Matcha Energy Drink Literally Called 'Hustle'
Here is a sentence perfectly calibrated to turpentine away my own personal last straw: “The founders of America’s first…
Trump to Fuck Up Your Night, and Life, With 9 P.M. Supreme Court Announcement
Because ruining your life on a daily basis is not enough for Donald Trump, and ruining your life on a longterm basis…
Finally, the Sympathetic Article No One Asked for About How Louis C.K. Can Make His Comeback
The Hollywood Reporter has tipped a tepid toe into the still-raging waters of the #MeToo moment and decided that right…
'Fifty Shades Freed' Made $38.8M This Weekend Because None Of Us Are Having Enough Sex, Probably
Fifty Shades Freed raked in $38.8 million in North America this weekend, making it the number one film at the box…
Shut Up Taylor Swift, Everybody Hated 2017
2017 was not a good year. In the last twelve months, the United States has been plagued by hurricanes, wildfire, gunfire
Parents, Are You Ready for 'Fingerling Fever'?
Every year, America anoints a “must-have” toy item, which parents must dutifully acquire or accept that they are…
Someone Tell Margaret Atwood There's Diet Avocados Now
The glamorous grocery stores of our future will include meat grown in a lab and apples that never brown, but now we’re…
Hey, It's Me, American Idol...
That strange rash on your elbow that miraculously went away but then resurfaces. A baby on the train that stops crying…
Great, Mel Gibson Is in Talks to Direct a Suicide Squad Sequel
Why does this man continue to find work?
Why the Fuck Would You Watch This Is Us?
I’ve never watched This Is Us, and based on the way its cast and creative team (Mandy Moore, Milo Ventimiglia, and…
He Left Her Because She Didn't Tell Him About Him, But She Has an Explanation!
Just days after they were photographed holding hands and kissing on a beach, the 25-year-old who sings songs about not…
Here is Lin-Manuel Miranda and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Musical about Millennials
Have you been wondering why there are no good musicals about millennials? Have you wondered if Dwayne “The Rock”…