Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup. This week, everyone’s freaking out about Meghan Markle’s pregnancy—not to be confused with “mpreg.”

Due to the upswing in royal family media coverage (thanks, Meghan!) suddenly peripheral members of the crew are now characters in the news. This is truest of all for Princess Eugenie, who apparently has a Pinterest that we can investigate to get a deeper acquaintance with this latest addition to our feeds.

The British Royal Family endured its first same-sex wedding over the weekend, and—somehow—the monarchy is still intact. Lord Ivar Mountbatten, the 53-year-old cousin of Queen Elizabeth II and great-great-great-grandson of Queen Victoria, married his longtime partner James Coyle on Saturday in Devon. In an Instagram…

LONDON, ENGLAND–A combination of the dark arts, monarch worship, and the twisted minds of Madame Tussaud’s House of Horrors has conjured this: a gallery of images of Harry and Meghan on date day, at once both totes adorbs and reminiscent of memento mori.

🚨THOMAS MARKLE UPDATE🚨: Thomas Markle was (surprise!) available for his weekend Sun interview, and he has soundbytes. He calls the Royal Family cult-like–like Scientology–because they are secretive. In his words:

Here are some things Thomas Markle, Duchess Meghan’s father, has said in a series of “exclusive” interviews with British tabloid The Sun:

Oh England, who delighted America so thoroughly with her eight-month-long wedding blow-out, whose pompous hats we secretly envy but look really really good on her, who wears pantyhose but day drinks, who throws massive shade in the form of a 19-foot-tall balloon and shrugs, who has a birthday party for nana but then…

The American woman formerly known as Meghan Markle and currently known as the Duchess of Sussex officially joined Great Britain’s Royal Family on Saturday (an event our own Kelly Faircloth covered extensively) and was quickly given her own piece of real estate on royal.uk. But after reading every word of the…

Thanks to Tom Bower’s unauthorized Prince Charles biography, a sensational portrait of a paranoid scrooge who shrieks at the sight of “cling film,” I now get a huge kick out of watching Prince Charles imitate human interactions in public. So I am delighted to imagine him trying to move his body to Meghan Markle’s…

The new royal baby has a name: Prince Louis Arthur Charles. A new tiny baby with a right propah unwieldy Anglo name! Oh, hip, hip, huzzah!!!

Shaggy–Shaggy of the old “butt naked bangin’ on the bathroom floor” tune–performed at the Queen’s 92nd birthday party and concert event last night. I googled this three times to make sure that, yes, this was the same Shaggy. He and Sting performed their new song “Don’t Make Me Wait,” which does not mention fucking,…

In behavior which Americans might call “stalkerish,” and the British call “well-wishing,” subjects are staking out St. Mary’s Hospital, where the next prince or princess is expected to blow out any day now. I’ve seen Mother, and I just blogged about Taylor Swift’s recently-apprehended “fan,” so from an American…

Author Tom Bower has delivered to royal gossip media a gift basket to last til the end of our lives, via the Daily Mail. The excerpt from his new book Rebel Prince: The Power, Passion and Defiance of Prince Charles, is a straightforward list of requirements to accommodate Prince Charles’s travel, dietary, and bowel…

Remember Meghan Markle’s half-sister, Samantha Grant? The one who is reportedly writing a tell-all about her relationship with Meghan called The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister? It’s been a while since we’ve heard from her (maybe because she ran out of third-tier media outlets to talk to), but thanks to some intrepid …

The Lifetime Channel has dropped its last vestige of propriety and dumped this on the doorstep of Buckingham Palace: Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance. The made-for-TV royal drama isn’t exactly protocol-breaking at this point (see William and Kate: The Movie), but yesterday they posted this little “First Look” on…

Kit Harington had an interaction with Mariah Carey in which he would have been free to glance at her breasts, but instead he made a conscious, adult decision to do the right thing. The Sun has exclusively reported:

Baby bump detectives (everyone) are working hard on Kylie Jenner’s warped pregnancy timeline, and the puzzle is starting to look like a baby, ergo: omfg.

Ed Sheeran, who is currently awaiting his fate in the Tower of London, violated royal protocol when he touched Prince Charles’s arm on Thursday while being awarded one of Britain’s highest honors, the Member of the Order of the British Empire (MBE) for his services to music and charity. May God have mercy on his soul.

Twenty years ago this summer, Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident that put Britain in a state of mourning that lasted for an entire week. In the aftermath following her death, the public seemingly turned on the media, whom they believed to be the indirect cause of her untimely passing, hounded as she was by…

Does the Daily Mail send a photographer to full-time camp out in the Buckingham palace parking lot? Because here are previous photos of the royal family in cars, with a subset of the Queen driving around like a fucking baller. On this outing, they made merry with a joke! They’re just like us.