Hi, I’m Albert, I write for Deadspin. Here’s me, in more ways than one:

Homer’s Odyssey—maybe you’ve heard of her? If so, you’re probably familiar with the myth of Tantalus, a Lydian king who did something bad and was punished for all eternity to stand in a pool of water up to his neck that would recede every time he tried to lower his head and take a sip.

I am very emotionally invested in skincare and makeup even though I don’t actually own that many products. I want to own more, but I am also an intern in New York City, and I need to buy groceries. But I make a little room for makeup in my budget, because it is one of those things that makes me feel better about my…

My life is usually in shambles but by the time I leave the house, I usually look presentable, somehow some way. I’m a naturally sleepy person but I love going out, so I’m sure you see my problem. I let products like concealer make it look like I’m awake in less than a minute and also add a gloss because that’s really…

I have few regrets from my period of employment at Gizmodo Media Group, but never writing a product diary has always been high up on the list. I read them obsessively—one of my favorite creepy interests is watching other people’s beauty routines, and product diaries are basically that, but in blog form.

Everything is stupid, and so are we. Welcome to Jezebel’s Stupidest Summer Ever, a season-long celebration of our worst, most idiotic thoughts and opinions.

I usually find it lazy to begin writing with a disclaimer, but I’m already breaking my rules by writing about my face, so here goes nothing: My name is Maria Sherman, and I’m product-phobic.

When it comes to making risky, life-altering decisions, I am very decisive. I have quit jobs because of shitty environments with nothing lined up—hell, I left a lucrative (albeit soulless) career to chase an impractical dream of being a writer—and, though I wish it didn’t come to this, I took a gamble on my future…

I’ll be honest, I think I wear more makeup than my genetically blessed and baby-skinned coworkers. I have rampant adult acne, y’all! It’s OK, I’m not that bitter. Not everyone can radiate sunshine out of their pores. And while I’m not over here wearing a dramatically contoured face everyday (because really who has the…

In skincare, as in life, I prefer the dramatic. Instead of taking the time and energy to actually learn what works for my skin, I always dismissed skincare as frivolous or complex, without realizing that I had been callously over-exfoliating. For the past 17-ish years of my life—starting around the time Blu Cantrell…

About ten months into dating my boyfriend, I stumbled into his apartment at 1 a.m. after an impromptu night of drinking with coworkers. Because his apartment is a 20-minute walk from my office, and because we had kept in touch throughout the night and he knew the state I was in, this wasn’t an issue.

The world has changed considerably since the last time I documented my daily product use, which was all the way back in February 2015. That’s three-plus years. Life was simpler then. Climate was changing slightly less, racism barely existed :), and a bag of Cheetos was exactly the same price as it is now. Back then, I…

This year on my mom’s birthday, I gave her and ultimately myself the best gift ever; I quit smoking cigarettes. Smoking was part of me for—gasp—almost half of my life. My grandmother smoked two packs a day, my grandfather died on a horse while smoking, my aunt, uncle and cousins smoked so much they collected enough…

When I was younger, I remember looking at women with (what I thought was) effortlessly beautiful curly hair and being perplexed at the fact that mine didn’t just naturally wake up looking like that. Little did I know, maintaining curly hair actually takes a lot of effort!

Like most have expressed in their diaries, skincare can be a calming moment of control in our wildly unpredictable news cycle. But it’s also a lot to keep up with and I’m falling behind.

I, like every other 20-something on the planet, got really into skincare over the last couple of years. It’s not like I didn’t care about my skin before then—I’ve suffered from acne and congested skin since I was a teenager, I didn’t have the luxury not to care—but now I care enough to buy overpriced serum, read 65…

Early morning. Me wake up. Knock knock knock—the pee in my bladder.

In an attempt to forget that the chances of me and my friends dying by nuclear winter followed by nuclear summer (*~nUcLeAr sUmMeR 2018 4-evR~*), I, like many women I know, have spent a little over a year performing an existential, anxiety-fueled science experiment upon my face.

Until recently, my adult life had been characterized by negligence when it came to beauty and skincare. I’d slather coconut oil all over my face and body and call it a night. In the mornings, I’d forget about SPF like a UV-irradiated degenerate. Laziness was the deciding factor — but it wasn’t without an aversion to…

A few weeks ago, I nibbled a Xanax, chugged some water, and got on a 16-hour plane ride to Taiwan. Usually I am not concerned with what my face is doing on a long plane ride. But a year spent fully immersed in the annals of beauty blogs and this post written by a woman with a skincare regime that is both aspirational…