We’ve made it to August!

Senator Marco Rubio hopped on Twitter in the wee hours of Friday morning to decry a monumental societal ill, perhaps the most pressing of these tumultuous times we live in: people using the word “fuck.”

Marco, oh my god, it’s Marco Rubio!!!! Oh my god, he heard me, he’s coming over. Senator Rubio, hi, you’re looking great today, wearing that same smug-ass look on your face you always have on. Senator Rubio, tell us—it’s been about a week, and your constituents, Senator, they’re all dying to know:

My first barf, let’s get nauseous.

This does dovetail nicely with the White House’s unwritten policy of maintaining positions that directly contradict basic fact and reasoning.

I cried actual tears of joy and clenched my fists in righteous fury while watching Marco Rubio get owned so hard in the CNN-broadcasted town hall debate tonight that he actually looked at times as if he were struggling to keep his NRA-backed eyeballs from popping out of his head from the mind-boggling shame of it all.

Another day that feels like a lifetime!

Florida Senator Marco Rubio is working with Ivanka Trump to craft a paid family leave plan that will be appealing to fellow Republicans, according to a report from Politico.

This should be a contender for the best photo of 2017.

Hello, I’m writing this from a steaming puddle under my desk, because I just read a pool report about President Donald J. Trump’s visit to a private Catholic school and as an unfortunate result, my eyeballs have melted into my head, which has collapsed into my butt, and I can’t hold my skin upright in my chair any…

I’ve been looking at Jeff Sessions’s ears all day.

Trump had a quiet day, a good sign or a bad sign? Only time will tell...

Thank the good Lord that you’re not at CPAC.

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas), who is wrong about most things, inevitably found himself in the tricky position of getting scolded by a small child at an Arkansas town hall meeting on Wednesday night.

Remember when things were fun? I sort of can if I push all my anxieties way down and try to pretend like reality is a dream. So let’s do that now. Because as of yesterday, it has officially been one year since the single greatest two minutes of the entire election: Ben Carson’s big walkout disaster.

The state of Florida has sentenced Marco Rubio to four more years on the job, a fitting punishment for a miserable senator with one of the worst attendance records in history.

On Saturday, August 6, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) argued that a woman infected with the Zika virus should not be permitted to get an abortion, even if it’s probable that the child will be afflicted with acute microcephaly.

Fresh off his failed attempt to win the Republican nomination for the presidency, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced that he would not run for re-election, before finally deciding that he would. His motivation, he said, was the Orlando nightclub shooting that left 49 Floridians dead and another 53 injured.

Yesterday, the UK voted—essentially by accident, both on the part of the pompous drip who called the referendum and the voters who didn’t bother to learn what it meant—to exit the European Union. Today, David Cameron resigned, the pound plunged to its lowest level since 1985, global financial markets plummeted, and …

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…