President Obama is planning on deploying an emergency army of mental health professionals to America's urban centers as we gather in solidarity as a nation and work together to heal the deeply seated pain that now burns inside each and every one of our souls. Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up again.

Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimmon, Alex McCord, and Cindy Barshop have been cut from season 5 of RHONY. What are they supposed to do now? Just freelance their Realness? Non-FDA approved prescription drug trials? Be professionally Not Employed but act as consultants? Maybe they could form a staffing firm called Deloitte &…

Someone has been trying to buy the rights to professional celebrity Kim Kardashian's sex tape from Vivid Entertainment. There's been speculation that the party interested in paying the porn company the tape's $30 million asking price is actually Kim and giant husband Kris themselves, but those rumors were debunked…

Jay-Z is using non-union carpenters to renovate his 40/40 club in Manhattan, and the carpenters' union isn't happy. They set up five inflatable rats outside the club this week, which is traditional — but they also allegedly shouted the n-word at club management both in person and over the phone. Says Jay-Z's rep, "The…

Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively, between riding on the teacups at Disneyland and taking trips around Europe and going on matching bicycle adventures on the streets of New York, have been discussing cohabitation. Specifically, he wants to move in with her, to show her he's serious. No word on her thoughts, but some…

Jim Carrey invoked the oft-abused "I can say whatever I want as long as I follow it with a 'just kidding' within 24 hours" clause in explaining his creepy video love letter to Emma Stone, admitting today that he was just joshing. Sort of.

Tweeted the Pet Detective-cum-serial beloved children's book-ruiner,

Kim Kardashian, got married to her giant boyfriend Kris Humphries yesterday in a lavish $10 bazillion glorification of all that's wrong with the world. The ceremony featured a star-studded 440 person guest list including such of-the-moment cultural forces as Lindsay Lohan, Avril Lavigne, and several members of the…

Great news, girls I went to high school with who I no longer talk to: the crazy sexy sitcom show you discovered in 2004, just in time for its last season- the one about being a hypersuccessful thirtysomething woman in New York but finding dating challenging that you decided somehow was directly applicable to your…

Today is the day that everyone pretends that they didn't make fun of Amy Winehouse and her demons, at least a little bit. It's all fun and games until someone ends up dead at age 27.

Maya Rudolph and her partner, director Paul Thomas Anderson, confirmed today that the SNL alumna/star of Bridesmaids gave birth to a baby boy earlier this month. And what did these two quirky characters name their progeny? Something kooky, like Astronaut Express or Sinatra Sudan or Beezlebub von Schtupp? Nope.

They…

By now, unless you've been living under a rock or too busy caring about things that are actually relevant to your life, you know that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting opposite-married ("divorced") after spending the last seven years in a state of wedded something or other. But it's just been revealed that…

Some of you may recall that last week, Vinny flounced out of the Jersey Shore house in a tornado of feelings. Well, this week, the Jersey Shore cast probably took way too much luggage on their crusade to Staten Island to beg their remarkably unremarkable compadre to return. Sort of like how Shia LaBeouf needs to be…

David and Victoria Beckham will welcome their fourth child and first daughter into the world of product licensing today when the baby is delivered via C-section. They're going to name her something America-y possibly geographical, like "America." I'm calling it now. [Contact Music]

Last name "It." First name "Totally Doing." Wheelchair Jimmy Drake and Rihanna either had an arm wrestling match with their faces or made out at a club in Canada a few weeks ago. An onlooker described the pair as "all over each other." I describe the pair as "a duet about love wherein both singers sound bored waiting…

Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz now have entered a bond, legal bond after secretly marrying in New York last night in true 007 fashion after secretly dating for only six months. The only way that this whole scenario could be more Bond-y is if Rachel Weisz's name were Areola Jones or Labia DuChamp. [Extra]

Amy Winehouse was booed offstage at a concert in Belgrade, after taking to the stage an hour late, stumbled around, hugging her backup band, throwing a shoe, and slurring words during a concert. I'm curious as to what fans expect when they go to an Amy Winehouse concert at this point. Getting pissed that Amy Winehouse…

Lily Allen got married yesterday and her new husband announced to guests that the singer is 12 weeks pregnant. Wedding and babies? Now all Lily Allen needs is two guys having a fist fight over her while she stands off to the side and says "Boys! Stop it! Stop it I say!" and she'll have everything a gal could ever ask…

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tell their kids when they're going to do it because, according to Brad, there are no secrets in their house- "We tell the kids, 'Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, 'Eww, gross!' But we demand it." Does this mean that the kids also know Angie's slim-down secrets and are privy to…