We’re sorry to report that the entire staff of Jezebel has died.

If you’re looking for a weekend jam, direct yourself in the direction of Blake Shelton’s 2016 collaboration with the Oak Ridge Boys, “Doing It to Country Songs.” What’s it about? Let’s look at some of the lyrics:

On Monday morning, People published a 176-word story about country singer Blake Shelton’s birthday party that is anywhere from 168 to 176 words too long, depending on how you feel about Blake Shelton. Its lede reads:

Responding to a comment that “reported rapes are the only rapes that count,” 20-year-old Abigail Breslin chronicled in an Instagram post the reasons she decided to not to come forward, and the emotional aftershocks of that traumatic experience.

Candace Cameron Bure, star of Fuller House, sister of Kirk, and former token blonde conservative on The View, is currently embroiled in a bitter feud with RuPaul’s Drag Race champion Bianca Del Rio (aka Roy Haylock when out of drag). Like most wars in 2017, this one’s taking place on Instagram, and its fiercest…

Jennifer Aniston is married to hot actor-man Justin Theroux but she was once married to grizzly actor-man Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is very famously divorcing Angelina Jolie. You know what else he’s doing? Texting Jennifer Aniston.

Paula Patton and Robin Thicke’s divorce is getting pretty ugly: on Thursday, Patton and Thicke each asked for temporary sole custody of their son, Julian, but Thicke’s request was denied. In lieu of custody for Thicke, the judge issued a temporary domestic violence restraining order against him , amidst allegations of…

At this point, it isn’t too hard to believe that our youngest, most spritely celebrities could be lost in the last week of 2016, even if they’re right in the middle of a comeback.

Until this morning, I didn’t know it was possible for me to look up in the sky at any given moment and see a helicopter overhead with Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani inside drinking Coors Lights and doing awkward over-the-clothes stuff, but it is. And that repulses me.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we notice that all of today’s tabloids are for the week of December 20 and get really sad that the holiday season is almost over and we haven’t watched all the movies we’ve been meaning to watch, like The Family Stone and Home Alone and Christmas Vacation and, when we’re feeling like…

Some pleasant news from one Taylor Swift: the singer has donated $1 million to Louisiana in the wake of a devastating flood that has displaced at least 20,000 people and left 11 dead.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we cure ourselves of Senioritis with a dose of penicillin and get back to business. This week, Amal Clooney is pregnant with a girl, Jessica Biel is pregnant with twins, and Blake Shelton is pregnant...with racism!

As an internet writer (that’s how I start every sentence), I know that accidentally enraging or titillating a rabid group of Zayn Malik or Ariana Grande fans is surprisingly easy to do—just write something vaguely, maybe unintentionally rude about their patron saint. Monday’s competition was about activating a group…

Some days I think Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani love each other so much but other days I’m like, “Ummmmmmmmmm are you two even FRIENDS?!” What about you?

Earlier today, in a vile show of hackery, I quoted Blake Shelton’s own words to point out that he has nice things to say about Donald Trump. That was wrong to do, especially when Blake Shelton is passionate about only two things: Gwen Stefani, his very real romantic partner, and the usually sterling work of the…

Blake Shelton, who you best know for being on that singing show and for being in a totally real and passion-filled relationship with Gwen Stefani, has some thoughts on politics. Specifically, he has some non-subtle thoughts on mildewed corn muffin Donald Trump and “political correctness,” thoughts that function as a…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we fill up an Olympic-sized pool with clippings about Taylor Swift being revealed as a liar and do laps for hours and hours until our bodies are unable to do one more breast stroke and we sink to the bottom and become the first person in history to drown in glossy paper.

On Tuesday evening, a Page Six reporter named Oli Coleman published a story entitled “Gwyneth Paltrow called out for being a ‘backstabber’” in which he revealed the profoundly boring news that Julie Klausner, comedian and star of Hulu’s Difficult People, called the Goop founder one of the “phoniest ‘backstabbers’ in…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide to make this installment a little more interactive by using Kinja’s Q&A system to answer all of your most burning questions about this week’s hottest goss, which includes: Prince’s alleged suicide note, Gwen and Blake’s alleged wedding, Katie and Jamie’s alleged wedding, and …

Police reports reveal that the late Michael Jackson amassed a collection of gruesome pornography and violent images, including “animal torture, S&M, and gore” at his Neverland Ranch.