Yesterday, we dug into the ongoing fallout of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s 2015 divorce, focusing in part on Shelton’s recent tweet that vaguely referenced taking the high road and experiencing schadenfreude over karma biting someone else in the ass. While many people (including myself and Lambert’s ex Jeff…

We haven’t been discussing the recent drama between Miranda Lambert, her ex-husband Blake Shelton, her ex-boyfriend Anderson East, and her current boyfriend Evan Felker, but I will fix that right now, because this story has everything—mainly because no one in the periphery will stop talking.

It pains me to tell you all this, but Gwen Stefani has just revealed that she and her koozie of two years, Blake Shelton, no longer talk to each other. But that doesn’t mean they’re broken up! Haha, sorry, did you think I meant they split?!? No no, I just meant that they communicate exclusively through song.

People has now revealed what we already knew, that human koozie Blake Shelton is the SEXIEST MAN OF 2017—something that I’m barely capable of typing out, let alone speaking out loud. Per his interview with the magazine, we have his girlfriend Gwen Stefani to thank.

I know it’s only Monday morning, but why not sit back and crack open a fresh can of Natty Light to welcome in yet another week of absolutely bonkers news. Kicking us off: Blake Shelton is People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2017, according to officer Gossip Cop:

What is Gwen Stefani doing here? beleaguered Americans ask themselves again as she bursts into a cultural setting shrouded in high-end camo and absconds with a product launch. This time she’s hiding behind a branch, but we know it’s her.

Anna Paquin says she was there when Brett Ratner allegedly looked at a woman standing next to Ellen Page and said: “you should fuck her to make her realize she’s gay”–while Page was only 18, before she had publicly come out. Page alleges Ratner said this at a “meet and greet” before filming X Men: The Last Stand, in…

We’re sorry to report that the entire staff of Jezebel has died.

If you’re looking for a weekend jam, direct yourself in the direction of Blake Shelton’s 2016 collaboration with the Oak Ridge Boys, “Doing It to Country Songs.” What’s it about? Let’s look at some of the lyrics:

On Monday morning, People published a 176-word story about country singer Blake Shelton’s birthday party that is anywhere from 168 to 176 words too long, depending on how you feel about Blake Shelton. Its lede reads:

Responding to a comment that “reported rapes are the only rapes that count,” 20-year-old Abigail Breslin chronicled in an Instagram post the reasons she decided to not to come forward, and the emotional aftershocks of that traumatic experience.

Candace Cameron Bure, star of Fuller House, sister of Kirk, and former token blonde conservative on The View, is currently embroiled in a bitter feud with RuPaul’s Drag Race champion Bianca Del Rio (aka Roy Haylock when out of drag). Like most wars in 2017, this one’s taking place on Instagram, and its fiercest…

Jennifer Aniston is married to hot actor-man Justin Theroux but she was once married to grizzly actor-man Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is very famously divorcing Angelina Jolie. You know what else he’s doing? Texting Jennifer Aniston.

Paula Patton and Robin Thicke’s divorce is getting pretty ugly: on Thursday, Patton and Thicke each asked for temporary sole custody of their son, Julian, but Thicke’s request was denied. In lieu of custody for Thicke, the judge issued a temporary domestic violence restraining order against him , amidst allegations of…

At this point, it isn’t too hard to believe that our youngest, most spritely celebrities could be lost in the last week of 2016, even if they’re right in the middle of a comeback.

Until this morning, I didn’t know it was possible for me to look up in the sky at any given moment and see a helicopter overhead with Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani inside drinking Coors Lights and doing awkward over-the-clothes stuff, but it is. And that repulses me.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we notice that all of today’s tabloids are for the week of December 20 and get really sad that the holiday season is almost over and we haven’t watched all the movies we’ve been meaning to watch, like The Family Stone and Home Alone and Christmas Vacation and, when we’re feeling like…

Some pleasant news from one Taylor Swift: the singer has donated $1 million to Louisiana in the wake of a devastating flood that has displaced at least 20,000 people and left 11 dead.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we cure ourselves of Senioritis with a dose of penicillin and get back to business. This week, Amal Clooney is pregnant with a girl, Jessica Biel is pregnant with twins, and Blake Shelton is pregnant...with racism!

As an internet writer (that’s how I start every sentence), I know that accidentally enraging or titillating a rabid group of Zayn Malik or Ariana Grande fans is surprisingly easy to do—just write something vaguely, maybe unintentionally rude about their patron saint. Monday’s competition was about activating a group…