Illustration for article titled Someone Really Should Check on Madonna
Photo: Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images

Madonna is nothing if not a diva, and a diva does not do anything halfway. (Jezebel has at least two past blogs with headlines that contain the words “Madonna” and “stop” which tells an entire story all by itself.) Including, naturally, quarantine. Over the past month, the singer has been recording and sharing quarantine video diary installments using IGTV, and they are.... odd. All of the videos start off with Madonna plunking away loudly on her typewriter (which, she mentioned in the first video diary, was made by a company named Corona), often pausing to narrate what she’s typing, while some jazzy track plays in the background.

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Some of the videos are in black & white, some of the videos are just partially in black & white, and all of them sound like the bizarre and yet also cliché stream of consciousness ramblings of a celebrity who has not yet realized it might be a good idea to stop talking. After all, this is coming from a woman who was criticized just a couple of weeks ago for calling the covid-19 pandemic the “great equalizer” while she lounged in her fancy rich person tub.

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But quarantine diary #9, posted on Thursday, had a bit of a darker tone than Madonna’s previous eight installments. It starts off the same way as the others, with the singer fumbling over her typewriter as she narrates her letter.

“We can’t always have a good day.”

She continues, referring to something called the “pain-o-meter,” which unfortunately cannot be purchased on Amazon dot com.

“The pain-o-meter was on 10 and when it’s on 10, I just need to, want to, have to, get out of my body.”

And then Madonna launches into something that sounds like an attempt at poetry. Trust me when I say there is no global crisis severe enough that will make me okay with celebrities attempting to write poetry.

“The burning spear makes its way into the core of me and slithers down my leg. And I can concentrate on nothing except the idea of escape. And I wonder... what form that will take.”

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The video changes tone, cutting to video footage of trees and flowers with a voiceover from Madonna, who shares that three people she was connected to have passed away over the past 24 hours: her cousin, her security guard’s brother, and dance music executive Orlando Puerta. Understandable, that today was not a good day for her.

Quickly, we’re back to existential ramblings.

“If my son says that I have a broken hip one more time, I might implode. If someone says you’re broken so many times a day, you do start to feel that way.”

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Okay, but Madonna... is your hip broken? Because maybe your son wasn’t trying to call you broken in any deep emotional way, maybe he was just concerned for your health and trying to convince you to go see a medical professional? Just a thought.

The singer ends the video by musing that she’s going to go upstairs and watch the last episode of Dave—a show that I had previously assumed that no one would watch, because who on earth would sit down to start, let alone COMPLETE, an entire television show about Lil Dicky? Madonna, apparently. Fascinating. [Page Six]

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Jennifer Stone, an actress best known for playing Harper Finkle on Disney Channel’s Wizards of Waverly Place, shared on Instagram that she will be joining other health care workers at the forefront of fighting the covid-19 pandemic as a registered nurse.

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A well-adjusted former child actor? I, for one, love to see it. [Today]


  • The Bachelor’s Hannah Ann compared Pilot Peter’s junk to cauliflower because it “has no taste,” a phrase which will haunt all of us probably. [Us]
  • Rihanna bought her dad a ventilator. [Daily Mail]
  • A genuinely healthy celebrity family dynamic? It would be Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. [Us]
  • Prince Charles and Camilla’s marriage is now as old as a high school sophomore. [Page Six]

Freelance writer who loves sandwiches, astrology, & fighting on the internet.

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