Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks You Should Write the Next Great American Novel While Quarantined, Maybe Learn a New Language

Illustration for article titled Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks You Should Write the Next Great American Novel While Quarantined, Maybe Learn a New Language
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Quarantine has, for me and many other people, been quite emotionally taxing. I’ve lost a lot of work, which as a freelancer already operating on razor-thin margins, has brought about the enjoyable side-effect of near nightly panic attacks, causing me to wake up gasping and spend the next hour or two quaking in bed wondering how I’ll pay rent next month.

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I’d argue that these aren’t ideal conditions for creativity to flourish, but Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t think that’s an excuse. Really, you should be using your abundance of free time to take on a new hobby, like writing a book, or “learning to code online.” Sorry, I know you’re anxious and even the act of forcing yourself out of bed in the morning is a struggle, but how are you ever going to win at quarantine if you don’t learn to play “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” on the crumhorn?

Instead of going outside, Paltrow says “It’s time for nesting, reading, cleaning out closets, doing something you’ve always wanted to do (write a book, learn an instrument or a language or learn to code online, draw or paint) going through photos, cooking, and reconnecting on a deeper level with the people you love.”

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Can we just agree that any celebrity meditations on this crisis should be limited to screenshots of the enormous donations they’re making? Please? [Page Six]


Speaking of tone-deafness, remember a few years ago (or maybe it was a couple days, couldn’t say) when Gal Gadot and friends pissed everyone off by singing “Imagine” when instead they should have filmed themselves donating buckets of money to laid off workers (see above)? Well, hold Madonna’s beer:

Here’s our girl, solemnly gripping the fixtures on her rich-person bathtub while doomy piano music plinks in the background, explaining how covid-19 is the “great equalizer” because it treats us all the same.

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Oddly, it seems she has encountered some wee backlash.

“This video is stupid,” wrote one commenter. “You live in other reality Madge. Stop it. With petals on your rich bath, oh my god. Covid19 mades distinction cause you can afford your own respiratory machine. Stop trivialize this awful situation please.”

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“Covid 19 doesn’t care who you are but our national health system does. It’s a fact,” wrote another.

Here’s a good one: “You have officially lost your damn mind. 🙄” [Us Weekly]


  • Jennifer Lopez’s high school sweetheart died of a heart condition. [TMZ]
  • Michelle Williams and Thomas Kail secretly got married. [Us Weekly]
  • Nina Dobrev and Shaun White went for a (romantic?) bike ride in Malibu. [Page Six]

Night blogger at Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

arcanumv
Arcanum Five

The Goopstress is a dumbass, but she’s not wrong. Some impressive literature has come out of plague eras.

  • Boccacio’s Decameron (begun during the 1348 plague)
  • Daniel Defoe’s A Journal of the Plague Year (based on his uncle’s journals during the 1665 London Great Plague)
  • Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (honorable mention, as the famous 1816 retreat was in part an avoidance of the Year Without Summer, a period of failed harvests and food shortages)