Six Movie Villains Desperately in Need of Their Own Films

We know momentum is building to put the Best Villain Ever of All Time, aka Tom Hiddleston’s Loki, in his very own movie, but why stop there?

Who knows if Hollywood will succumb to our near bloodlust desire to get a Loki movie! But if they do (and if we’re so ready to see a bad guy who killed a bunch of people and tried to destroy our entire freaking planet get his very own franchise), you have to wonder what other horrible movie villains we secretly wish would just kill off all the other annoying do-gooders in the films they were featured in, so we can watch them to their evil bad-ass thing solo.

Plus, villain-centered movies are kind of becoming a thing now, so what better time to take a look at the other baddies who deserve their own moment in the glorious sun. I have come up with a list of movie villains who totally need to get their own spinoff movies ASAP. Oh yeah, probably some spoilers below if you’ve been living under a rock or possibly just now found out that there’s this thing called “movies” that exist.

“Verbal” Kint/Kaiser Söze, Usual Suspects (Kevin Spacey)

Our movie picks up with Verbal living a simple life, owning and operating a NAPA Auto parts store in Racine, Wisconsin. Because what better place for the man who brutally murdered a bunch of people to save himself from being identified and then disappeared from the grid, than to be mindlessly cataloging obscure car parts and offering them at ridiculously overpriced amounts to people who Googled “how to fix my Trans Am.” The devil’s greatest trick actually was convincing people 30 percent markup is fair and reasonable.

The Truck, Duel, (A bigass truck)

Don’t you want to know what happened to the poor truck all those years ago that caused it to become so traumatized, so blackened in the heart that it just began to soullessly, randomly take out human drivers, one by one? In this prequel/spinoff, The Truck is madly in love with a Chevelle who only has eyes for a ne’er-do-well Silverado. I think you know where this is going. It’s going to that place where I make up long, rambling stories about inanimate objects and you guys wonder what the hell exactly is wrong with me.

Dean Wormer, National Lampoon’s Animal House (John Vernon)

OK, we know Bluto and all the rest of the guys at Delta Tau Chi were the life of the party, but didn’t you take just a teeny little bit of satisfaction watching Dean Wormer tell off a bunch of douchey frat boys who gave two shits about their education and spent their entire time at a fancy, expensive college getting wasted and running around in sheets? Seriously, where is a Dean Wormer these days when we need one. So for this villain, we’re not going to give him his own movie. He’s getting his own Dr. Phil-esque talk show! Get ready for Shutting It Down with The Worm! Dean Wormer is dishing up “real talk” and “telling it like it is!” to “fools who need to be set straight.” I am open to this being a reality show on VH1, if any television executives there are reading this right now.

Cobra Kai Sensei/John Kreese, The Karate Kid (Martin Kove)

His karate career ended in a huge, embarrassing disgrace. But his baking days had just begun. See the Karate Kid villain start a new life, as the owner and operator of Cobra Kai Pies. (THIS ONE JUST WRITES ITSELF YOU GUYS).

Ivan Vanko’s Cockatoo, Iron Man (Nameless Bird)

What made that bird so special—so magnetic—when it was onscreen possibly played by several birds who all looked like one another? Well, we’re going to find out when Disney takes over this one and makes their very own It’s A Bird’s Tale! Ever wondered what Vanko’s (aka Whiplash’s) “bourd” was up to that whole time the poor mad Russian scientist was broken-heartedly waiting for his return? (EVERYONE EVERYWHERE: “UMM, NO NOT REALLY.”) Think An American Tale meets The Brothers Karamazov with more appearances by Iron Man and the Russian Mob! Plus, music by Tim Rice! (EVERYONE EVERYWHERE: “YEAH, THIS SOUNDS REALLY, REALLY FUCKING DUMB. WHAT THE HELL.”)

Floyd, True Romance (Brad Pitt)

OK, not technically a
movie villain—just attached peripherally to a lot of bad dudes, but
still. Basically, this villain’s spinoff is just a movie where we get
to watch a 30-year-old Brad Pitt sit around in his boxer shorts smoking
pot all day. That is literally the entire script. No one comes in to
talk to him. There is no other discernible plot other than that.
Sometimes, he laughs at stuff on T.V. he thinks is funny. I am ready to
give this movie my money now. In fact, I’m ready to sell off all my
worldly possessions to get it made. Talk to me, Hollywood.

OK, it’s your turn! Who did I tragically leave off this list that needs to have his or her own movie and/or TV spinoff? Your best suggestions get a movie deal from Marvel Studios (PROBABLY NOT THO).