Hello and welcome to Shade Court. I must make an admission, dear readers: Shade Court was difficult this week. Not because of me—I’m brilliant—but because there were far fewer misuses of shade than usual.
The revolution is happening and I’m so glad you’ve been here to witness it.
In this week’s Shade Court, Paris Hilton triumphs, Blac Chyna learns, and a couple of April Fools’ jokes fall flat.
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000056
The Case: Paris Hilton was interviewed by Yahoo Style’s Joe Zee—a man whose name required that he would one day be famous-ish. Zee asked Hilton about her old frenemy and contour addict Kim Kardashian:
“A lot has been written about Kim being your former assistant slash stylist in a way and I know that you guys have kept in touch but do you think your career has really paved the way for her?”
The Defendant: Paris Hilton
The Evidence: Paris Hilton replied to Joe Zee’s question daintily:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
The Deliberation: Good god, Paris nailed this. The delivery was downright ethereal and really sealed the deal. For the first time, that baby voice of hers came in handy. She was so sickly sweet and spoke about Kim like she was her Big Brothers Big Sisters of Beverly Hills mentor.
The condescension was perfect because it was dripping with what sounded like genuine niceness. I actually truly LOL’d when I watched this video. Who knew Paris had this in her?
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000057
The Case: The fucking saga continues between the mathlete captain of Calabasas High and Amber Rose’s Instagram buddy. We all remember last week, when Kylie Jenner threw shade at Blac Chyna by posting a picture of an expensive watch given to her by Tyga right after Blac Chyna posted her own picture of an expensive watch given to her by Tyga. WHATEVER.
This week, TMZ caught Blac Chyna driving an expensive pink SUV and asked her about Kylie’s post. Blac Chyna responded by not saying a word—instead simply holding her diamond watch-adorned wrist out of the window and giving her wrist and ever so gentle shake.
The Defendant: TMZ
The Deliberation: Damn, it’s like shade ping pong up in here with these two. Let’s ignore the fact—as we must in order to talk about these two and still retain some sanity—that this stupid repeat gift from Tyga makes him look like the asshole and neither of these women should be proud to have it in their possession. Like, was it buy one get one, homie? Why are you giving two women the exact same gift?
Regardless, Blac Chyna clearly planned this, which allowed her to carefully craft her shade. She put on her best wig from the Nicki Minaj Wig Collection For Bad Bitches Only, snapped that watch on, and filled up her tank. She was ready to go. Blac Chyna gets extra points for pulling off this shade wordlessly, which is difficult to do and generally requires more than just directing a stank face in somebody’s direction. Well played. I do not look forward to Kylie’s inevitable response.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000058
The Case: The most obnoxious kid from your freshman dorm’s favorite day of the year—April Fools’—was this Wednesday. In an attempt to create the illusion of coolness, many brands used the day to pull off “pranks.” One of those pranks came from Tesla—the car brand for rich nice guys who refer to themselves as “nice guys” everywhere. They announced a new product, the Model W—a watch that, according to Tesla, “is in no way a competitive response to what some other company is doing.”
The Defendant: MarketWatch
The Deliberation: MarketWatch
Why, why, whyyyyyy are you doing this? You wouldn’t let your masseuse choose stocks for you, so why are you allowing an energy reporter to run around using the word “shade”? A lame joke about the Apple Watch and a blog post that clearly explains that they’re making fun of the Apple Watch is not shade.
Perhaps the best advice in life is this: Stay in your lane.
Now, your lane might be wide, and long and varied, but it’s still there. We all have one.
If you’re looking for a relationship, do not date the guy who tells you he’s just interested in hooking up. Stay in your lane.
If you’re 5’ 1’’ don’t invest your time in trying to become a runway model or a center for the New York Knicks. Stay in your lane.
If you’re driving, do not swerve into the lane of oncoming traffic. Stay in your lane.
Stay in your lane is always relevant advice, MarketWatch.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000059
The Case: Timehop is an app that shows you your social media activity from the past because this is what our best and brightest minds are spending their time on. It now seems that Facebook has released their own version of the app called “On This Day.” They also tried to be clever on April Fools’ Day. Via Mashable:
For their required branded April Fools’ Day prank, they announced the arrival of a new app called “Timebook,” essentially calling Facebook out on stealing their idea by pretending to steal Facebook’s idea.
The app also included a link that led to Facebook’s announcement about On This Day.
The Defendant: Mashable
The Deliberation: I am loathe to ever give pranks the title of shade. This little diddy from Timehop was obvious and pretty heavy handed. “Timebook?” Yeah, we get it. However, that last little move of sending users to Facebook’s copycat version of their product is pretty great.
What they should have done is just said that they would be announcing a “new and exciting” product and then just linked to Facebook. Simple. Easy. Shady.
The Ruling: Not shade
Images via Getty and Blac Chyna’s Instagram. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.