Hello, all. Welcome to Shade Court. It's Friday, there's a new Rihanna single and I need a drink so let's just jump right in.
In this week's Shade Court, Kylie Jenner tries it, Directioners are losing their minds and the New York Times nails it.
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000052
The Case: Sarah Jessica Parker and Tom Hanks were both in attendance for a game of this sport called hockey. The cameras that stalk celebrities as they do wildly unremarkable things captured Sarah Jessica Parker making a stank face in Tom Hanks' general direction. Chaos ensued.
The Defendant(s): Nylon Magazine, Elle Magazine, E Online, Mashable
The Deliberation: YOU PEOPLE ARE EMBARRASSING.
THROWING SHADE OVER WHAT? DO THEY HAVE SOME SORT OF FEUD WE'RE NOT AWARE OF?
SHADE DOESN'T JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
THIS IS SO STUPID.
A PLAGUE O'ER ALL YOUR PUBLISHERS.
YOU ALL DESERVE TIME IN THE SHADE COURT GULAG.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000053
The Case: As we all know, (RATHER UNFORTUNATELY) Kylie Jenner, Tyga and Blac Chyna are in a messy love triangle after Tyga left the mother of his child for the underage sister of a Blac Chyna's best friend. Seeing as how this situation sprung from a place of deep maturity, it's only natural that that same level of respect and measured action would continue.
Blac Chyna posted a picture of an expensive watch that, according to TMZ, was likely given to her by Tyga.
A few hours later, Kylie Jenner posted a picture of her wearing the same watch with the caption, "Currently."
The Defendant: TMZ
The Deliberation: A brief perusal through Kylie Jenner's Instagram page, (after which I think I need an exorcism) reveals that she likes to caption many of her pictures with, "Currently." In that way, this move was sort of clever and arguably subtle.
However, the abject pettiness of this is what really puts the shade over the top. It's the use of "currently," which reminds Blac Chyna that the past is in the past and Kylie is with Tyga now. It is the rudeness of pointing out that Tyga probably gave Kylie the exact same watch that he gave Blac Chyna. It's doing it three hours after Blac Chyna posted hers—long enough to not look like you're trying to start an all-out fight, but short enough so that Blac Chyna knows the post is directed at her.
Let me be clear: Kylie Jenner was not right to shade Blac Chyna—mostly because Kylie Jenner should be in sixth period biology right now instead of flexing like a grown woman on Instagram—but the shade is, indeed, there.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000054
The Case: A young man named Zayn Malik recently quit his job as a member of this upstart little band called One Direction. I'm sure he gave reasons for his departure, but I didn't read them. Anyway, One Direction fans are hilariously devastated and are working through their grief. One of the ways they're doing this is by attacking Zayn's girlfriend Perrie Edwards and comparing her to Yoko Ono, who is believed to have been the cause behind the unraveling of another notable British boy band.
The Defendant: E! Online
The Deliberation: There's a delicate balance between being crazy and being able to throw shade well. Mariah Carey has mastered this. You need a drop, or perhaps a few drops—ok, a dollop of crazy. However, if you bring too much crazy into your shade, then you're just ranting.
Teens and tweens are insane. It's ok, we've all been there, but that doesn't make them any less irrational. Further, teens who are heavily invested in a fandom are swimming all the way over in the far side of the pool. That is to say, their delirious obsession is far too unhinged to be able to classify any of their insults as shade.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000055
The Case: Our newspaper of record published an article about NBC's new miniseries, The Slap, and the discussions it is supposedly fostering about how to handle annoying children and their helicopter parents. (I'M PARAPHRASING.) In the piece, the Times discussed this phenomenon as it relates to one specific neighborhood in Brooklyn.
The Defendant: The New York Times
The Deliberation: It is important to note that this article focuses on Park Slope—and therein lies, my dear, dedicated pupils, the crux of the shade.
As far as I understand it, The Slap is about the melodramatic hitting of an annoying child and the subsequent (probably) unhinged outrage that follows. The piece is basically saying that the show speaks to similar situations that occur in Park Slope where entitled parents are allowing their children to complete the full gentrification process by running free and bothering rent-paying adults.
The New York Times gets an "A" for execution with this one. That beautiful little comma does so much of the heavy lifting. This is a popular conversation that is taking place, but only in Park Slope.
If a heated conversation is only happening in Park Slope, you can bet your bottom dollar that that it involves self-involved trend-chasers who overpay for literally everything they buy and eat artisanal mayonnaise without irony. Yes the New York Times said all that with just those four little words and a noble comma.
The Ruling: Shade
Images via Getty and Blac Chyna's Instagram. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age