Shade Court: Armholes, a Boehner, and An Anna Wintour Master Class

By Kara Brown | November 21, 2014 | 7:50pm

I want to thank everyone who has submitted to Shade Court. Keep ’em coming. Whether they’re instances of shade from your own life, or if you happen to observe what you believe is the throwing of shade, your citizen justice is much appreciated.

This week, Nancy Pelosi confirms that politicians are the one of the shadiest groups out there, we see some friend-on-friend shade, and Anna Wintour demonstrates exactly why she is Anna Motherfucking Wintour (her prison name).

Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000022

The Case: Back in April, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian appeared on the cover of Vogue after what gossip would suggest was years of outright begging. Anna Wintour was asked about the cover in a recent interview. Wintour began by explaining that over the years, she has tried to take Vogue in a more controversial, exciting direction.

I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine! Nobody would talk about us.

SHE CONTINUED:

I think it’s part of the excitement and part of being a journalist. I hope another Kim Kardashian comes along this year

The Defendant: Cosmopolitan

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: If I had any regular interaction with Anna Wintour, I would just default that a good 40 percent of anything she says to me is shade. I mean, the woman spends half her life wearing sunglasses, presumably so you can’t see her rolling her eyes at your fugtrocious shoes. Anna Wintour literally resides in the shade.

If you want to look at this on a deeper level, I believe Anna is tapping into notions we already have about how she feels about the couple. Remember when Vogue cropped Kim out of that photo from the Met Gala? There is also the fact that she basically had nothing to do with putting Kim and Kanye on the cover of Vogue in the first place.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are a lot of things, but I’m gonna bet that tasteful isn’t the first thing that pops into your own mind, and Anna damn well knows what. This was just astute enough: if she ever had to explain herself to Kim, (laughable, I know) she could pass it off as a compliment. But we all know better.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000023

The Case: Our valiant leader Emma Carmichael recorded an appearance on the Longform Podcast last week. Being the well-connected lady that she is, she happens to be friends with the show’s audio editor. Her submission to Shade Court involves a thank you email gone awry.

The Defendant: Emma’s audio editor friend

The Evidence: Emma wrote a thank you email to her friend for, she says, “making me sound smarter.” Her friend wrote back: “The giggles and ums were easy to cut, the likes less so.”

The Deliberation: Honestly this kind of becomes more shady because they’re friends. If some random audio editor had said the same thing, it would be easy to interpret it as a straight-up diss. But coming from someone you know and like, you might momentarily think: Aw, she was trying to help me out. That’s nice. What a friend! ………..Wait, did she just say I talk like an eight grader?

It’s also great because she builds on Emma’s own good-natured joke and turns it around on her. Let’s be real, self-deprecation is only really funny when you do it to yourself.

The Ruling: Friendship shade

Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000024

The Case: Speaker of the House John Boehner turned 65 years old on Monday and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi offered her congratulations.

The Defendant: Nancy Pelosi

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: If this was simply a lighthearted joke made between friends, I would say, nah, it’s harmless. However, you know that Nancy Pelosi fucking hates John Boehner. Not only that, she’s willing to admit that she ain’t exactly a spring chicken herself if it means being able to point out that John Boehner is also old.

Somewhat related: Who else is surprised that John Boehner is only 65?

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000025

The Case: The Man Repeller, a popular fashion blog, posted a tweet about cape coats, which have somewhat suprisingly become a legitimate fashion trend.

The Defendant: The Man Repeller

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: This tweet links to a post about cape coats and, in case you didn’t know, cape coats don’t have armholes. Get it? Man Repeller creator Leandra Medine writes about fashion in her trademark jaunty tone and it’s quips like this that have made her blog so successful (although I doubt she even wrote this tweet).

That being said, naw girl.

Let’s assume for a moment that armholes are even capable of being shaded. Either way, you’re straight up ditching them for an alternative jacket style. Why would you even want to throw shade at armholes? Part of the joy of throwing shade is basking in your target slowly realizing: Oh shit, I have, indeed, been shaded. Who exactly does this trifling meddler think she is?

Also, armholes don’t have consciousness.

The Ruling: Not shade—this is a textbook example of the gross misuse of shade that we here at Shade Court are working so hard to prevent.

Got a shade-related question for Kara? Email her.

Images via Getty. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.