School Refuses Single Student Entry to Weird-as-Hell Couples Dance

If there’s one thing we should be teaching the teens of today, it is this: People who are single are useless and disgusting to others. One Utah high school took their job imparting this lesson very seriously, demanding that a single student leave a dance that was for “couples only.”

What is a couples only dance, you ask? I don’t know because I have never heard of such a thing. Not only that, but I have no idea what could possibly go on at a couples only dance (black magic? ritual sacrifice?) that would be ruined by a single high school senior with a valid ticket. Will there not be enough punch and cookies for everyone or something? Or could the presence of a single woman magically turn all the other women into bra-burning feminist lesbians with hairy armpits and a penchant for bell hooks? What is everyone at Bountiful High School in Sal Tlay Ka Siti so afraid of?

ABC reports that this is what happened on Saturday night when ne’er-do-well Josee Stetich showed up to the shindig with two of her friends:

“We got our hair done, put on nice gowns and Josee even bought new shoes,” Robertson said. “We wanted to look our best and [be] dressed and ready as though we would have had a date.”

At the dance, though, school administrators told Lindmeir and Robertson, who bought a ticket together, that they could attend the dance as a couple, according to Robertson, but that Stetich could not get in solo.

“They told us Josee needed a date, be it a guy or another friend,” Robertson said. “They said the ‘Sweethearts Dance’ was different from other school dances called stomps because it was couples-only.”

Stetich was even willing to pay $30 at the door for a ticket that would have allowed two people in, Robertson said.

That is so humiliating. First, because they shamed the young woman for not having a date or being friends with more people (A+ job, school) and second because she was willing to give the school extra money just to hang out with her friends in a festive atmosphere and officials just weren’t having no dirty singles muddying up their dance floor. Aren’t high school events supposed to be inclusive of everyone in the school? What ever happened to that?

The principal of Bountiful high told ABC that the dance was uneventful and that Stetich and her friends asked for a refund and “left voluntarily” which doesn’t mean they were happy, only that no one in riot gear had to show up to escort the women off the premises. Like for serious, though? Just let the damn girls into the damn dance. What is this stupid rule? These are high schoolers, they don’t need a complicated mating ritual dance.

Stetitch and her friends got the last laugh, though. They went to a chocolate factory instead and got a tour. BAM!