Russian Pol Very Sure Latest U2 Album Is Dangerous Gay Propaganda

Remember when Apple just forced that new U2 album on everyone and we were outraged because a) no one likes U2 anymore unless it’s an instrumental version of “With or Without You” and b) putting music we don’t want on our phones is basically a sign that Big Brother is watching? Well, a Russian politician thinks it’s worse than that.

According to The AV Club, a Russian Duma deputy—which is “the equivalent of a congressman”—is calling for a deep investigation of U2’s Songs Of Innocence because he believes it’s both spam and the most dangerous kind of brainwashing there is, forced on youth by Apple to turn them into raving homosexuals with a deep thirst for hot cock.

Specifically, Alexander Starovoitov objects to the cover art, which depicts drummer Larry Mullen Jr. embracing his son. Although not made explicitly clear, the nature of the claims suggest that Starovoitov, like everybody else, has never actually listened to the album.

God, Russia is so worried about pedophilia that the dads in U2 can’t even express love for their children anymore in fear of being labeled gay deviants. It’s like that episode of South Park where all the adults abandoned the children for fear of accidentally molesting them. A new generation of Russian children will grow up to be psychopaths (even more so than we already are) due to a general lack of affection because politicians have deemed any expression of love between two men both gay and illegal.

According to U2’s own website, the album cover art is about holding onto innocence, drawing parallels to previous album covers, and is meant to emphasize the iconic and the intimate. Starovoitov isn’t having any of it. He’s decrying it as gay propaganda targeted at minors, and is threatening to seek “moral damages” on his son’s behalf.

Can you imagine being his son right now, though? You think your dad is embarrassing? Well, at least he’s not going out of his way to sue Apple and then announcing to the whole world that you, his young and impressionable child, can literally be turned into an ass bandit (I really love that term) by looking at the cover of a U2 album. Not even listening to it backwards or anything, just looking at the image of a dad holding his son. Imagine the tears streaming down Starovoitov’s son’s face as he stares at the picture of father and son embracing and realizes that his own father probably wouldn’t even hold his hand to save him from drowning.

If found guilty, Apple could be fined and forced to cease selling in Russia for up to 90 days. The fine, however is minimal and—considering that the album came out last year and no one is talking about it anymore—it’s unlikely that the Russian government is going to try to tear iTunes a new one.