Image: Oprah (Getty)

For most people (my mom and the Lifetime channel) royal wedding frenzy is about living a vicarious Cinderella dream or whatever; for me, it is the dream that somewhere, someday, maybe I, too, can strap a lily pad on my head. Few occasions exist on American soil in which hats, much less fascinators, are legitimate daywear for non-church-goers: 1) if you are competing in RuPaul’s Drag Race; 2) if you are Miss Tina Knowles Lawson at the Kentucky Derby; 3) if you are in Williamsburg, and then only amongst Miranda July fans. I want to transform my body into flower stem; my face, a rooster; my spirit, the wind beneath wings. I want a party on my head, you guys.

Barring that, we can peruse the pool noodles, potpourri, hairballs, frisbees, fascinators, casks, netting, sinamay, boaters and sailors, yannys, laurels, and fashion crimes* which graced and disgraced the noble domes of England today where anything is possible.

*For any meaningful analysis of fashion statements, I defer to Jezebel’s royal family authority Kelly Faircloth, who’s reporting live from the scene.

Assortment of hats.

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Frouf on hat.

A great many hats

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Hats

Hats!

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Oh my god, that last hat.

What a lovely peacock accent for your hat!

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I yearn for you, hat.

Closer view of m’lady’s rockin’ hat

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She’s wearing Queen Mary’s tiara, which is a big deal.

OMG

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OMG

A fascinator for The Queen.

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IT’S LIKE A BUTTERFLY LANDED ON HER HEAD.

Back squarely in the realm of hats.

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Spice-aaay!

Holy shit this is a look.

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Okay. Hat.

If the ineffable movement of London fog were captured in one magnificent hat.

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Hat.

Hatspo hatspo hatspo.

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Fun! Hat

What glories can be produced by exorbitant wealth, read: this hat

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Hat, accompanied by celebrities

Fine.

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This is also a form of hat.

Not even the greatest hat will redeem you.

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Head topping

*Autumnal goth*

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Kay

Yes

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I am a taco!

Modern

Image: Hat, a man

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Postmodern

A look of a woman resigned to a life trapped in this hat; conceptual

Image: Getty

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Whatt-oh!

Byeee!