Rogue Pooper Closes New Zealand Tunnel Because YOLO

As authorities were getting ready to re-open a Wellington, New Zealand highway tunnel that had been closed for construction on Monday, a drunk man jumped down from an overhead walkway and took a dump in the middle of the road.

The rogue poo took awhile to resolve itself because a clean up crew had to be brought in to remove the excrement (the supervisor that was present refused), delaying the opening of the tunnel from 6 a.m. to 6:45 a.m. and messing up rush hour traffic.

The man has since explained his motivations behind his hit-and-run poo, and it is possibly the best reason to poo anywhere. He said:

“How many times do you get a chance to fucking shit in the tunnel?”

The New Zealand Herald reports that authorities are feeling forgiving toward the pooper:

“This was a rare incident in which a drunk man made a poor decision outside of the project team’s control which resulted in delay of the tunnel reopening,” [read the incident report]…

There was no suggestion the man was charged but police commonly issue pre-charge warnings to drunk people who commit minor offences and have no criminal record.

Why couldn’t they just leave the shit on the road? If the pooper had struck New York, that’s certainly what would have happened, but New Zealanders are apparently concerned with motor safety.

“Effluent of any kind can be dangerous to road users like motorcyclists, as it makes the road surface slippery. This can be especially hazardous inside a tunnel, and we had a responsibility to ensure that the road surface was safe before opening the tunnel to motorists,” said the New Zealand Transport Agency’s regional performance manager Mark Owen in an interview.

I hope we move forward from this incident keeping the pooper’s outlook on life in our hearts. May we all live life standing pants-down in the middle of a highway, the wind in our hair, shit streaming down our legs.