Image: Getty
Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 31—At decade’s end, the hills were still but for a distant chirp—a woodpecker, perhaps, sussing out his morning meal beneath the skin of a pine—and the quiet moonbeams gave way to a bright orange sun roiling through the sky, dusting the sage with light as protectively as mother’s milk. The silence was calm: meditative, patient, but expectant; for soon, over the horizon, all creatures would know that Robyn Rihanna FENTY, OUR LORD and SAVIOR and ENDLESS HOLY FONT OF JOY, HAS RISEN, MY GOOD BITCHES!
Blessed be the Navy all around the world, in every hemisphere and every climate, this was the year our GODDESS truly spread her gospel: that one may look fly at every price point and also that ONE DAY in 2019, perhaps TODAY since this is the last moment possible, she will bestow upon us a BEAUTIFUL GIFT of the one true sacrament that has come to be known as #R9—an ALBUM that may or may not be a DANCEHALL album, or maybe a DOUBLE ALBUM, but as her disciples we will TAKE whatever the blood of the covenant DRIPS FROM its STONE! Nay, let us not approach our blesséd mother with greed, but with gratitude for her perpetual benevolence and life-sustaining LIGHT with which she bestows upon us daily, sure as the sun dusts the sage with its rays. Peace be with you. And also with you. It’s the sixth annual YEAR IN RIHVIEW!
January
In between introducing MORE shades of Pro Filtr foundation and celebrating #R8 aka Anti still being on the on Billboard 200 after three years, BadGalRiri had time to go OUT in NEW YORK CITY! She stunted all the way to SOBs nightclub in the West Village, “stepped out” on the street in pinstripes, and also went to her DENTIST, which she does every year at least once, because good god, mouth hygiene is truly important. Brush twice a day and then you will be rewarded with a sushi dinner at Kappo Masa in an old Hollywood glam ensemble, JUST like Rihanna!
February
The badgal spent her 31st birthday low-key in a cheeky Vetements sweatshirt and a unicorn piñata, symbolizing that she is, in fact, also a unicorn of great wealth and luck. She was also SPOTTED leaving Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s Oscars afterparty at the Chateau Marmont in a CHEETAH print, also symbolizing that she is a RARE WILD CAT who can run faster than the SPEED OF LIGHT! This is a known fact, because of science!
March
As an “international woman”—Bajan beauty, been around the world!—Rihzus knew it was HIGH TIME to celebrate International Woman’s Day in BALENCIAGA. But March was mostly quiet for our queen outside of various business ventures (Trophy Wife Body Lava, come to me my sweet), presumably because she was in the STUDIO with a BABY! His name is Aaron Rodolfo and he is the baby of her best friend Jenn Rosales, Auntie Riri to the rescue… with music! We hope!
April
April was a bit more poppin’ for our girl, who emerged on the covers of Harper’s Bazaar and Vogue Australia in various states of effervescent glamour…
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