Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 29—The NYSE opened at a gain today, as markets in Hong Kong, London, Tokyo, Paris, Australia, and Beijing recovered thanks to the imprint of the outsize presence of a major player and our lord and savior, the one true king and spiritual leader of the universe ROBYN Rihanna FENTY! WHO AMONG US!!!
Yes yes y’all, the Bajan goddess Rihzus singlehandedly saved capitalism AND your face and bod in 2018 by giving you a generous WATERFALL of shit to get a sparkling beat and a stunning nether region, plus she ENTERTAINED a movie called Ocean’s 8 and went around the world and did charities and politics and inspired everyone like she usually does as our BENEVOLENT LEADER and QUEEN PERSON OF FASHION! Also, she turned 30 so watch out fuckers, womanhood is powerful and no one wields it with the magickal touchington like the BadGalRiri, global icon and only monarch we can TRUST!
January
She worked voluminously hard in 2017, so how better to signal a fire 2018 on the docks but by lying low and sidewinding in a Jun Jie Spring 2018 flames coat?! She told y’all she was phresh off the runway and here she is casually lamping backstage while preparing for her ’70s Miami/Cuba-inspired performance at the 2018 GRAMMYS! She’s just like, “If you try to light me on fire, I’m already on fire! HA!”
She posed! She cheesed! She won a Grammy with Kendrick for Best Rapped/Sung Collabo! We died and then were resurrected so we could always wear orange and magenta as a color combo until we died again! TIGHTS D’ ROYALTY!February
The universe’s greatest Pisces threw a Pisces-ass birthday party for her THIRTIETH, in which womanhood flourished on her in the form of a blossoming Saint Laurent gown and a Toni Braxton performance! BARE SHELLINGS! YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE A WASTEMAN!
TONI! POUR IT UP, POUR IT UP…
Her billionaire boo-thang Hassan Jameel was reportedly in attendance but they did not ride home in the same car, which is how you know it’s real! Famous dating people who want to last never ride in the same car, because it’s none of your business!!! [“SEE YOU AT HOME, RIH!” -“Hassan”]
March
Everyone in the Navy took up motocross because of Spring 2018 Fenty Puma! I wore high-heeled flip-flops because Rihzus turns water into wine… or should I say, fugly into FASH!