Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 29—The NYSE opened at a gain today, as markets in Hong Kong, London, Tokyo, Paris, Australia, and Beijing recovered thanks to the imprint of the outsize presence of a major player and our lord and savior, the one true king and spiritual leader of the universe ROBYN Rihanna FENTY! WHO AMONG US!!!
Yes yes y’all, the Bajan goddess Rihzus singlehandedly saved capitalism AND your face and bod in 2018 by giving you a generous WATERFALL of shit to get a sparkling beat and a stunning nether region, plus she ENTERTAINED a movie called Ocean’s 8 and went around the world and did charities and politics and inspired everyone like she usually does as our BENEVOLENT LEADER and QUEEN PERSON OF FASHION! Also, she turned 30 so watch out fuckers, womanhood is powerful and no one wields it with the magickal touchington like the BadGalRiri, global icon and only monarch we can TRUST!
January
She worked voluminously hard in 2017, so how better to signal a fire 2018 on the docks but by lying low and sidewinding in a Jun Jie Spring 2018 flames coat?! She told y’all she was phresh off the runway and here she is casually lamping backstage while preparing for her ’70s Miami/Cuba-inspired performance at the 2018 GRAMMYS! She’s just like, “If you try to light me on fire, I’m already on fire! HA!”
February
The universe’s greatest Pisces threw a Pisces-ass birthday party for her THIRTIETH, in which womanhood flourished on her in the form of a blossoming Saint Laurent gown and a Toni Braxton performance! BARE SHELLINGS! YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE A WASTEMAN!
TONI! POUR IT UP, POUR IT UP…
Her billionaire boo-thang Hassan Jameel was reportedly in attendance but they did not ride home in the same car, which is how you know it’s real! Famous dating people who want to last never ride in the same car, because it’s none of your business!!! [“SEE YOU AT HOME, RIH!” -“Hassan”]
March
Everyone in the Navy took up motocross because of Spring 2018 Fenty Puma! I wore high-heeled flip-flops because Rihzus turns water into wine… or should I say, fugly into FASH!
April
Of course Riri is a Fanderpump, and in April she deserved to kick back and relax to the sweet drunkitude of Tom Schwartz.
Coachella happened and Rihanna wore a Gucci balaclava so she could walk around and no one would notice her! Yeah RIGHT! Everyone knows the vibrations of Rihzus, she is like a thump of sub-bass unheard by the human ear but only felt inside the tenderest internal organs of our bodies! That’s not your appendix exploding, that’s RIHANNA’s MAGNETIC PULL IN YOUR AORTA, BISH!
Also at Coachella: She busted out some Fenty x Puma dirtbike gear and came through like a BodyGlove!
Adele on Rihanna: “Whenever I’ve met her, she’s been the most gracious, loyal and funny goofball of an icon. She glows like when someone’s taken a picture with a flash and you’re dazed for a few minutes after.”
Rihanna on Adele: “Thank you”
Navy to Time guy saying “100 Most Influential”: “No shit, Rebecca!” Or like, Arthur or Normand or Mrike or whatever the name of the Time guy is. This is the prophecy, you nitwit!
May
The quote heard round the world: “I used to feel guilty about taking personal time, but I also think I never met someone who was worth it before.” Even world rulers deserve love and we all exalt in the happiness of our devoted queen, the never-stopping and dedicated consort of a billionaire boy-boy who only wishes to deserve her regency in his presence. Bow, man, BOW! BOW BOW BOW!
Oops! We forgot to mention that HER PAPALNESS attended the Met Gala in the Vatican’s jewels! Because, to paraphrase the Bishop who yelled at me in front of my diocese my junior year when I asked him what the pope actually does, SHE is the VICAR of CHRIST!
She also went to her favorite places in New York City: the dentist, and to Giorgio Baldi, and to the afters!
This was the drop heard round the world: Chartreuse lace bras in 44 DDD. Sign us UP.
Also, the lead-up to the greatest character in the history of cinema. Uh, NINE BALL! Hellurrrrr!
June
We stan a politically engaged actual queen! Like, where was Elizabeth II on this, you know?
And so began a long month of Ocean’s 8 premieres in New York and London, and Paris Fashion Week (at Louis Vuitton).
Also, she did a line of socks to benefit her charity!
July
She’s a fierce mother who comes to pluck, okurr hunny? Pssh, with your eyebrows and shit. How’s 2012?
August
SUMMERTIME MAGIC. BUT WH(assan)O WAS BEHIND THE CAMER(j)A(mal) IN ITALY?
September
Only two important things happened in the entirety of September, related to Rihbanza or anything else: 1. Friend and model Slick Woods walked nine ass months pregnant in the Savage x Fenty lingerie show and 2. Friend and model Slick Woods went into labor immediately after walking in the Savage x Fenty lingerie show at New York Fashion Week, presumably because son Saphir was so enamored of the legendary Rihanna vibration coming through the WOMB he just had to get out and meet his auntie! CAN YOU BLAME HIM!Also, Rihanna’s annual Diamond Ball, benefiting her charitable foundation named after her grandparents, the Clara Lionel Foundation, which invests in education and healthcare in impoverished communities across the globe, especially in Barbados. Rihanna was dressed like a present!
October
It was Fenty Beauty season for Rihanna, who traveled the world brightening lives and Sephoras Inside JCPenney!
Halloween was cool too when she did this!
November
November was about politickin’, particularly in the hopes of landing Gillum and Abrams as the first black governors of Florida and Georgia, respectively. We all know how that shit turned out, but not for not trying.
Also, we STAN! A political! Queen!
December
Come on, she’s going home… to Barbados, with BFF Melissa Forde, the princess to the throne. It was a year of prosperity and leadership for our lord and savior, but she never once forgot what was important. And that is why she is THE ONE AND ONLY! GOOD NIGHT!