Queen Takes Royal Prerogatives Too Far, Demands Harry Shave Sexy Beard

Terrible news out of the United Kingdom. Queen Elizabeth has gone too far. “Sources” tell the Express that her majesty has informed Prince Harry in no uncertain terms that she “intensely dislikes” whiskers and he is to shave his magnificently rakish polar-expeditionary beard “sooner rather than later.”

This is TYRANNY. Don’t tread on me! (And by “me” I mean Prince Harry’s face.)

Cool big brother William and chill sister-in-law Kate apparently like the beard, but a “royal insider” tells the Express that Grandma Bitsy has put her foot down:

“But the Queen soon let her displeasure be known. She doesn’t mind royal men growing beards when they are away in the Armed Forces or out in the wilds like Harry was in the Antarctic, but she expects them to be clean-shaven when they get home.

“Royal staff are not supposed to grow beards or moustaches and she probably thinks it is difficult to enforce that rule when her own grandson has a beard.

As he is “still a bit of a rebel,” Harry reportedly insists on waiting until Cressida gets to see it. Then he will shave it because, seriously, would you defy Queen Elizabeth? The woman is terrifying. Only God and the ravens at the Tower of London know what happened to the guys who dared gobble her nuts.