Screenshot: ABC News 4

I don’t know how many times I have to repeat this but if you order a 3/4-inch sheet cake from a Publix supermarket featuring a custom message that is LACED with PROFANITY, they will NOT print it and your party WILL be ruined.

The Koscinski family learned this firsthand when attempting to purchase a graduation cake for son Jacob Koscinski, who had recently graduated high school with very high honors—summa c*m laude, to be exact.

Advertisement

Cara Koscinski attempted to order the cake on the Publix website, which automatically censors certain words for its cake messages. She added a special note, presumably explaining that she meant “cum” and not “cum,” but the supermarket still printed the cake with dashes instead of the word.

“The cake experience was kind of frustrating and humiliating because I had to explain to my friends and family what that meant, and they were giggling uncontrollably, at least my friends were,” said the summa c*m laude graduate Jacob Koscinski in an interview with a local ABC affiliate.

Advertisement

Since then, Publix has apologized, refunded the family for the cake, and, according to an original Jezebel investigation, removed the word “cum” from its list of profane words.

It turns out, though, that Publix is deadset on preventing customers from receiving edgy cakes. An impromptu test conducted by me found that the following words are all flagged as profane and automatically censored from online cake orders:

Fuck, fucker, shit, bastard, bitch, cunt, vagina, penis, butt, anus, butthole, ass, asshole, pussy, crap, cock, fart, queef, damn, hell, slut, whore, prostitute, hooker, kike, the n-word and a variety of other racial slurs, motherfucker, twat, boner, jiz, spunk, piss.

Advertisement

These words, however, aren’t:

Poop, cum, taint, dick, dickhole, cockiversary, ham wallet, dump, jesus, sex, Jew, shitass, communist, commie, give head, splooge, douche, darn, homo, libtard, die.

So, bad news for people in my Fart Appreciation club, but good news for anyone who wants to send me a buttercream sheet cake reading HAPPY COCKIVERSARY COMMIE JEW.