Personhood Starts With Paul Ryan's Jizz

Wisconsin Congressman, Romney running mate, and widow’s peak cultivator Paul Ryan has again cosponsored the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which would grant “all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood” to a “one-celled human embryo,” even before implantation. The only problem is that a one-celled human embryo doesn’t exist. Looks like this bill needs a solid edit — no problem, that’s what we’re here for.

As Robin Marty at RH Reality Check puts it:

Let’s just be clear that there is no such thing as a “one-celled” embryo, because the embryonic stage follows first on the zygote or fertilized egg, which develops into a blastocyst, which then develops into an embryo… and is not “one-celled.”

To help reconcile the Republicans’ total misunderstanding of science (for the benefit of misogyny, more or less), allow us to amend this bill. Since a one-celled embryo does not exist, let’s back up a step and establish personhood at a stage we know does indeed exist and with which Paul Ryan is actually familiar. Jezebel humbly submits our own version of the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which would grant “all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood” to Paul Ryan’s jizz. Our edited version of the bill — which, as you’ll see, would merely tweak the original, no big deal — is below.

A BILL
To provide that human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization Paul Ryan’s jizz or jizzing.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the ‘Sanctity of Human Life of Paul Ryan’s Jizz Act’.

SEC. 2. DECLARATION.

(1) the Congress declares that—
(A) the right to life guaranteed by the Constitution is vested in each human being, and is the paramount and most fundamental right of a person; and
(B) the life of each human being begins with fertilization Paul Ryan’s jizz or jizzing, irrespective of sex, health, function or disability, defect, stage of biological development, or condition of dependency, at which time every human being shall have all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood;

SEC. 3. DEFINITIONS.

For purposes of this Act:
(1) FERTILIZATION- The term ‘fertilization’ means the process of a human spermatozoan penetrating the cell membrane of a human oocyte to create a human zygote, a one-celled human embryo Paul Ryan’s jizz or jizzing, which is a new unique human being.

(2) CLONING- The term ‘cloning’ means the process called somatic cell nuclear transfer, that combines an enucleated egg and the nucleus of a somatic cell to make a human embryo.

(3) HUMAN; HUMAN BEING- The terms ‘human’ and ‘human being’ include each and every member of the species homo sapiens at all stages of life, beginning with the earliest stage of development, created by the process of fertilization Paul Ryan’s jizzing.

I would also add to the bill the following:

(1) Whereas any elimination Paul Ryan’s jizz (PRJ) would constitute murder, said PRJ must be left intact as is and may not be discarded or in anyway disposed of or eliminated.

(2) Whereas any moving or hiding of PRJ would constitute kidnapping, all PRJ must be kept where it is. It may not be not removed from any receptacles, or surfaces, be they bodies, furniture, or socks.

Image by Jim Cooke