In 2004, Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson performed at the Super Bowl halftime show. During this performance, Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s nipple—covered by a pasty, but still—to millions of Americans, causing an international crisis from which the world is still reeling.
Timberlake’s anticipated return to the Super Bowl stage has got the Parent’s Television Council, a fun-loving group, I’m sure, worried about what might happen. In an open letter to the woodsman/pop star, they urged Timberlake to please, think of the children. “The now-infamous wardrobe malfunction was the biggest news story for weeks, even at a time when the nation had launched into war in Iraq,” they wrote. Children these days are exposed to a litany of “harmful and explicit content,” and as they’re looking to Timberlake as life inspo, it’d be nice if he didn’t do anything rude, such as expose a breast on live television. I can’t help but agree with that statement—he definitely should not expose a breast on television. But my sense of justice demands that, even if he’s “absolutely” made peace with his past, he does owe the world a piece of SOMEthing.
Here is my humble suggestion: Justin Timberlake should expose a single nut during the Super Bowl halftime show as karmic payback. Here are the rules: the nut exposure should be purposeful and consensual; unlike the wardrobe malfunction of 2004, the nut in question will be prepped and ready for its primetime debut. So will America. We will be warned in advance, so those with children in the audience, or those wishing not to see the nut, can remove themselves before it pops out. It can happen at any time of Justin’s choosing during the performance—perhaps a backup dancer strategically removes a small flap in the front of his trousers, releasing the testicle to the chill of a Minneapolis night. It’s really up to him. After the nut is exposed, possible-maybe surprise guest N.E.R.D will rush to cover his little gum ball. The show will go on. Justice will be served.