Passion and Pantsuits: The 2022 Olympics Ice Dancing Costumes Do Not Disappoint

Passion and Pantsuits: The 2022 Olympics Ice Dancing Costumes Do Not Disappoint

The ice dancing pairs at the Winter Games in Beijing have dressed for the Hunger Games and nothing less.

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Image for article titled Passion and Pantsuits: The 2022 Olympics Ice Dancing Costumes Do Not Disappoint
Photo: an Hongguang/Xinhua via Getty Images (Getty Images)

You know what I love about ice dancing? The sport feels like figure skating’s more boisterous cousin: the one who gets paint all over her overalls and then proceeds to roll around on the couch inadvertently creating a masterpiece. It’s joyful and unrestrained. I love that for an Olympic industry that generally comes across stiff, stuffy, and as rickety as my 15-year-old cat.

However, resident fashion experts here at Jez have returned to watch hours and hours of ice dancing not so much to critique technique (although I can’t help myself if there’s a flexed foot anywhere in my sight), but to pore over every single rhinestone on the sometimes brilliant, sometimes garish costumes that light up the rink. So, without further ado, join me on this journey as we hold a magnifying glass to the tasteful aesthetics that fucked (much like their partners, er, siblings???) and the trashy looks that crashed hard on the ice at the Beijing Winter Games. LET’S DANCE.

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Vagina, but make it sherbet?

Vagina, but make it sherbet?

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Photo: Cui Nan/China News Service via Getty Images (Getty Images)

Piper Gilles and Paul Poirier of Team Canada competed during the Ice Dance Free Dance on Monday with this flowy magenta smoothie getup. However, I am very distracted by the center of Gilles’ ruched bodice, which is more or less a vagina.

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Ice, Ice Baby

Ice, Ice Baby

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Photo: Cui Nan/China News Service via Getty Images (Getty Images)

Laurence Fournier Beaudry and Nikolaj Soerensen of Team Canada’s vibe is all-encompassed in one word: BLING. Much gratitude to Nikolaj for letting his partner shine and dressing as her shadow. Laurence is really daring by showing so much skin, but we love a peak-a-boo moment and accessorizing our outfits with both bracelet cuffs and dangle earrings!!! A+.

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Peacockin’

Peacockin’

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Photo: VCG/VCG via Getty Images (Getty Images)

I love that Wang Shiyue and Liu Xinyu of Team China didn’t even try to play mind games with us. They wanted us to know that they’re cocky as shit on that ice, as they should be, and that they came to win by dressing as literal peacocks.

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It’s giving lavender body oil

It’s giving lavender body oil

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Photo: Cui Nan/China News Service via Getty Image (Getty Images)

Clearly, Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue of Team United States have a story to tell and that is one of rubbing shimmering lavender oil on your partner’s body. She’s like, “Rub me.” And he’s like, “Anything for you, my queen.”

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Grimes and Elon: The Musical

Grimes and Elon: The Musical

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Photo: Annice Lyn/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Madison Chock and Evan Bates of Team United States, who are very much in love in real life, are telling the agitating story of toxic Romeo and Juliet in space: Grimes v. Elon. Evan, or shall we say Elon, is distracted by his wallet which is bursting with billion dollar bills and extra Tesla parts, while his lover Grimes sings into the abyss knowing Elon will never love her as much as he loves his space quest. Tragic.

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The Titanic

The Titanic

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Photo: Valery Sharifulin\TASS via Getty Images (Getty Images)

The ship is sinking. The rich passengers are running to the bough. Amongst them are Tina Garabedian and Simon Proulx Senecal of Armenia, straight from their bowls of clam chowder in the ballroom. It’s decadent and sad, but at least they’re going down in STYLE (to clarify, they are alive and well).

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Vampire Diaries

Vampire Diaries

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Photo: Valery Sharifulin\TASS via Getty Images (Getty Images)

Did I even need to tell you these two are from Russia? From the dyed red hair down to the gothic vampy leotard, ROC ice dancers Diana Davis and Gleb Smolkin are obviously reenacting some Edward Cullen and Bella foreplay. Ten additional points for gorgeous beading and a choker!!! She’s so 90s!!!

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Gingerbread... humans?

Gingerbread... humans?

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Photo: Jean Catuffe/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Charlene Guignard and Marco Fabbri of Italia are giving equal parts Hansel and Gretel and the gingerbread man from Shrek. I can respect the black skates and suspenders, but if this were actually the Hunger Games, I fear these two might die first due to lack of originality.

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FUCK YES, PARROTS!

FUCK YES, PARROTS!

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Photo: Annice Lyn/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Marjorie Lajoie and Zachary Lagha of Team Canada have given us the animal kingdom representation we’ve been begging for. Look at them: two fiery birds of a feather, squawking their way through the Olympics. This spicy color explosion complete with scandalous skin-caressing is a 10000/10 for me.

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The Beauty Bloggers

The Beauty Bloggers

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Photo: Jean Catuffe/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Olivia Smart and Adrian Diaz of Spain must have influencer friends, because that green corset top is triggering me to every damn Instagram influencer who copped a House of CB dress for their 2021 covid weddings. Classy look overall, but where is the pizzazz that I asked for? I am left...feeling empty.

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Alllll of the lights

Alllll of the lights

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Photo: Jean Catuffe/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Lilah Fear and Lewis Gibson of Great Britain seem like the type to check Costar every morning before they drink their Athletic Greens and sit down to manifest gold medals. For that and the fringe alone, I bestow them with Jezebel’s gold medal of gaudiness. Shine on, my golden children.

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