What the hell is this?! Image: Getty

After a brief break from ice fucking and defying the laws of physics and such, figure skating, the marquee sport of the Winter Olympics, returned with a bunch of sartorial headaches and a few standouts.

The event: Pair Skating Short Program. The day: Valentineā€™s Day. The day I actually watched it because of the time difference: Valentineā€™s Day Eve. The looks: Okay, girl, sure.

One of these things is not like the other. Image: Getty

Evgenia Tarasova and Vladimir Morozov look as if theyā€™re members of the corps in an experimental ballet about death. Iā€™m really, TRULY loving this spangled Jazz Age-esque ā€˜stume on Aljona Savchenko, but Bruno Massot has fallen victim to figure skatingā€™s unfortunate tendency to make the men look like waiters. Somehow I donā€™t hate Natalia Zabiiakoā€™s vision of lilac, but it needs more glitz and itā€™s unclear what her partner Alexander Enbert did to make their costumer angry, but I hope he apologizes. Finally, Valentina Marchei is wearing a tablecloth and Ondrej Hotarek would like to know if he can clear your plate.

YES. SURE. ZZZ. JUMPSUIT!! Image: Getty

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Vanessa James is truly glowing in this bright-ass blue, but I would like to rip through the computer screen and tear that blue strip of trash off Morgan Cipresā€™s top at ONCE! Julianne Seguin is really just fine and her partner Charles Bilodeauā€™s top sucks. Please stop putting male figure skaters in these weird high-V neck ensembles!!! Show me chest to the bellybutton or NOTHING at all. Moving along. Alexa Scimeca Knierimā€™s nude sequined explosion is nice, and PROPS to her husband Chris for NOT wearing black, but for wearing NAVY. Yes! I know it matches the sash! Iā€™m here! For! It! Iā€™m also very much ici for North Korean figure skaters Tae Ok Ryom and Ju Sik Kimā€™s matching onesies, though I do wish people would stop pulling their tights over their skates.

Red is good, purple is.... Image: Getty

Cheng Pengā€™s red sparkler has tasteful sequins, and I cannot look at another man dressed like a waiter, sorry Yang Jin. The beading on Kyueun Kimā€™s costume makes it look as if she has indigestion, and HELLO Alex Kang Chan Kam, yes, that lace sleeve! Australiaā€™s Paige Conners is gorgeous in sherbet chiffon, but Evgeni Krasnopolskā€™s top is another tragic mistake. Finally, I would like to note that pairs figure skaters do not need to be dressed like identical twins, as evidenced clearly by Anna Duskova and Martin Bidar.

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Everything here is mostly fine except for one.

Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford are kind of boring in this black situation, but at least itā€™s not an unfortunate halter! The worst look of the night is this weird lavender and white and pink disaster on Nicole Della Monica and Matteo Guarise; the sparkles look like black mold!! This is exhausting: matchy-matchy black and red for Kirsten Moore-Towers and Michael Marinaro, BUT I LOVE THE SHEER PANELS ON Ruben Blommaert!!!! His partner Annika Hocke looks staid.

SO MANY VELVET SOFT. Image: Getty

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I donā€™t care if black and navy are NOT supposed to be worn together, I think it looks chic on Kristina Astakhovaā€™s flying bod and I love the slash of sequin on her partner Alexei Rogonov. Miraim Ziegler is giving me early 2000s prom dress and itā€™s wonderful; Severin Kieferā€™s outfit made me fall asleep. Black and sequins and lycra and velvet and oh my god, Iā€™m asleep, ok, sorry Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya and Harley Windsor!!!! AND FINALLY AHHHH, these mid-tone blues on Miu Suzaki and Ryuichi Kihara pop nice against the purp of the arena but remind me of a Landā€™s End turtleneck.

GOOD SKATING BAD CLOTHES.

Wenjing Sui and Cong Han SKATED SO WELL!!!! Hell yes with those braces, come thru illusion netting, and please burn that top in a fire.