It’s almost impossible to believe there was a time when Bravo edited the Real Housewives reunions into a single episode. Like the entirety of this season, I believe Bravo should do humanity a favor and just release the uncut footage of the Season 8 reunion because after last night I am fiending for more.
We begin the night recapping all the drama with John, which mercifully did not bleed into the second half of the season. Remember the dry cleaning party? Remember REY?!
Dorinda spends her time in the spotlight trying again convince the world and her friends that she really does enjoy spending time with John even though she’s constantly irritated with him, has no plans to live with him, and doesn’t ever want to marry him.
Ramona apologizes for defending Rey Who Totally Likes Women at the dry cleaning party which I thought was rather generous of her. To her credit, she admits that she had no clue that Rey was harassing Luann and it’s very clear she just wanted to get some dirt about Luann’s very casual trip to Ibiza with a obviously insane man who she’d gone on two dates with. It’s definitely rude but it’s also very Ramona.
John, as usual, was really the one who escalated the situation by barging in for some additional camera time. (Has any Real Housewives significant other been this thirsty for the limelight since Simon and bedazzled pants?)
Many have speculated throughout the season that much of John and Dorinda’s erratic behavior is the result of some substance, controlled or otherwise. Andy Cohen then demonstrates why he makes the big bucks by totally going there and asking Bethenny if she was accusing John of being on cocaine the night of the bra party.
First of all, hats all the way off to Sonja goddamn Morgan. That is what living your life without the single presence of a fuck looks like, my friends. Sonja sits there on national television and outs her friend as a drug user with the casualness of confirming that it’s going to rain today.
Part of me thinks Sonja doesn’t see drug use as such a big deal—because it probably isn’t in their circle—but I also like to believe this is her way of getting back at Dorinda for calling her an alcoholic all season and not inviting her to the Berkshires.
This moment really captures the beautiful hypocrisy of Dorinda Medley. She is deeply concerned with an appearance of intelligence, propriety and honesty and she expects everyone else to cover for her in public. It is the code of rich WASPS everywhere and she doesn’t understand why the rest of the ladies aren’t getting with the program. It is this exact hypocrisy and delusion which allows her to get so drunk that she’s speaking in tongues and then turn around and call Sonja an alcoholic.
The silence from the other women and the hasty shushing of the issue by Luann and Bethenny is incredibly telling and easily one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever witnessed.
Because Andy has some mercy, we turn our sights back to the magnificence that was the Berserk-shires trip.
In the most clarifying moment of the evening, we finally learn the truth about whether or not it was Dorinda’s birthday and why she would not shut the hell up about that damn cake. Turns out, Dorinda’s birthday was the weekend before, so it was 100 percent not her birthday. However, every year her mother bakes her a birthday cake which she then saves and adds as a layer on top of her daughter Hannah’s birthday cake a week or so later. That makes sense, I guess!
The meat of the Berkshires drama was of course the YOU’RE A SLUT eruption of Bethenny and Luann’s complete inability to understand what’s going on. This all leads to Luann trying to drop the bomb that Bethenny is in fact the hypocrite because she is currently dating a married man.
Oh Luann. Poor beautiful, obsessed Luann. She’s an interesting one. Luann is excellent during the regular season but can’t quite rise to the occasion during the reunions. I think it’s because she doesn’t think far enough outside of herself to understand how what she’s saying is being perceived. Her inability to listen to a word anyone is saying is much more apparent when they’re all sitting there on a couch in jeweled cocktail dresses.
This angle is interesting for a few reasons. First of all, it seems that the only evidence Bethenny and Carole have that Luann sleeps with married men is the incident from the Turks and Caicos from Season 7. I’m not saying what Luann did was ok, but I’m not sure that throwing one incident back in her face over and over really proves the point.
Luann does not help herself by telling another obvious lie in an attempt to exonerate herself. The morning after the hookup, it seemed like Luann is learning for the first time that the guy was married. However, last night she explained that he spent half the night crying on her shoulder over his impending divorce. It can’t be both, girl!
I found this entire interaction painful to watch because my god, Luann looks dumb de-dumb dumb dumb. Bethenny is, indeed, dating a man who is still legally married but, that of course not the same thing as “dating a married man.”
The most revealing sign that Luann is lying (aside from Bethenny’s wildly inappropriate phone call to her boyfriend’s daughter) is the silence from Luann’s couch. Jules essentially confirms that Bethenny’s boyfriend was already separated before they started dating and you don’t hear a peep from Dorinda or Sonja backing Luann.
There’s also the fact that Luann is a horrific liar and seems to believe that saying the same thing over and over and flipping her hair is tantamount to a credible defense. Luckily, her terrible acting allows Bethenny to coin the nickname Lie-Ann which is dumb but also pretty great.
Because I could never get tired of talking about these loonies, let us not forget these other moments from last night:
- Luann being in denial that once she marries Tom she will no longer be The Countess
- Carole, an actual princess, trying to exercise the self-control not to jump across the room and choke Luann
- Sonja’s perfectly-timed Tipsy Girl crack
- Luann’s complete inability to understand when Bethenny is making a joke
- Bethenny doubling down and showing absolutely no shame over her slut-shaming
- The reminder that Hannah still lives with Dorinda
- Ramona’s ability to wiggle out of any drama by just vomiting a slew of words that don’t really make sense together!!!
Let us all now try to wait patiently for Part 2 of the reunion where Jules cries, Bethenny continues yelling at people and Ramona pulls out some surprise evidence that she almost certainly had Avery print out for her.