Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
Don’t tell anybody, but I’m totally in lust! Shh, his name is Richard Branson! Hello, he is virile as hell: he has snow-white hair, a yellow beard, gigantic teeth, and a fleet of airplanes. Would you make love to this gregarious eco-conscious billionaire? Imagine: You are whisked off to Necker, his private island. On the flight over, he agrees to buy your app, which you made up on the spot. “ScreamTime sounds very promising!” he’ll say with a wink.
When you arrive, it’s a whole day of tricksy games and unexpected massages. I know this because yesterday, Richard Branson posted a blog titled “My Favourite Trick,” explaining his favorite trick:
One of my favourite tricks is to get behind someone who is being massaged by a beautiful lady, and take over without them knowing. It’s a good laugh to see their faces when they realise I’m not who they thought I was.
Oh, how you will laugh! It will be such a good laugh, and then his friends will scuttle away—and it will be you and Richard, alone in your primality, facing each other like two tightly coiled anacondas. He will hand you a menu of essential oils, and...well, you can fill in the rest!
Don’t take yourself too seriously! That is literally on my OKCupid profile! Hello, 100% match!
Richard Branson is a real-life warrior. He was circumcised at the age of fifteen, and recently transformed himself into a human bowling ball, which was the single most erotic act of the 21st century. But I can’t make this decision for you.
So what’ll it be?
On last week’s edition of Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with a rat-tailed Shia LaBeouf? 44% of you answered “No, that would be awful,” 17% said “Yes, I would love to,” 16% said “No, I would only have sex with Shia LaBeouf sans rat tail,” 12% said “Yes, but only if we could listen to Sia’s ‘Elastic Heart’ during,” 9% said “Yes, but only if his rat tail smelled amazing,” and 2% said “Yes, but only if he wore a paper bag over his rat tail.”
Lede image via Getty; second image via Virgin.com