Shakira, very publicly, moved to Miami recently following her (again very public) split with soccer player Gerard Piqué after she allegedly discovered her husband’s cheating via half-eaten jam. Tom Cruise was most recently linked to actor Haley Atwell, though they reportedly broke up (for a second and final time) last year.

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Cruise’s romantic endeavors, if we’re being generous, are eyebrow raising. Scientology seemed to be a wedge between Cruise and ex-wife Nicole Kidman—something that she and others have alluded to. The Katie Holmes stuff looked weird from afar, and weirder up close to hear some tell it. (In 2020, Leah Remini said, “I knew Katie when she was in [Scientology] and she seemed very indoctrinated into Tom’s world, but as time went on, and I understood why she did what she did to protect her daughter … I’m only assuming that there’s some type of agreement to protect her daughter.”) All this is to say that the prospect of Cruise with a new very public love is disconcerting. Maybe Shakira isn’t in danger, per se, but just in case she’s considering making it a go with Cruise, I feel obligated to share the words Tisha Campbell’s Boomerang character committed to poster:

Gif: Paramount Pictures
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