New App Tells You If You're Blowing Minds (and Other Things?) in Bed

If you ever wanted to invite analytics into your threesome, then do we have the app for you!

Spreadsheets GET IT is an app that lets you keep a record of how many times you’ve had sex, the dates, times, and “how many thrusts per minute you’re averaging, how long you go for, and exactly how loud it gets.” If your condo isn’t a rocking with the wailing cries of your ancestors, you are terrible at doing it. Also, how are you supposed to know how many thrusts you’re averaging? Like, we can’t even get pedometers to work right, are you telling me an app does this? Or do you enter them yourself? Either way, that is a flawed technology, my friend.

In conclusion, nobody needs this app, you are fine at sex, unless you are my ex, and then you need this app and also therapy xo.