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Never Change Your Hair, Internet Boyfriends

Illustration for article titled Never Change Your Hair, Internet Boyfriends
Image: Getty

Today I speak not as a blogger, but as a person prone to internet horniness. When there is a new man to crush on– a Hot Priest or Oscar Isaac to know about–I make myself ready and available to be destroyed. It is the only time I want to participate in pop culture conversation. I’ll tweet, “Harry Styles should step on my neck,” when new pictures of him emerge online and you know what, I’ll mean it. I will, however, rue the day he or any other Internet Boyfriend decides to get a haircut. They simply should find their singular style and hold onto it for dear life. Horny fans aren’t always loyal, after all.

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Sometimes paying a trip to the barber results in a pleasing look no one expected to work. It is the exception to the rule, and the best and/or most recent example of that I can think of is when Chris Messina bleached his hair an icy, Malfoy-blonde but kept his salt and pepper beard intact. No one can explain why it worked, it just simply did. I wish the same could be said for To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before actor Noah Centineo. He posted a picture of his new buzzcut on his Instagram Story Tuesday and judging by the few headlines I’ve encountered about it, “Fans Have Thoughts.”

Personally, I think he looks great, but clearly his messy brunette Peter Kavinsky curls was a far superior look. He could’ve saved everyone the heartbreak and kept the glorious locks he was born with—instead, this:

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At least now I know when he makes his inevitable pivot to serious-war-film-actor in the next five or so years, he’ll look good with a Jarhead high-and-tight. Oorah, heartthrob. Ooorah.

Other hunks, take note: keep the haircut you had when everyone feel in love with you until you physically cannot reproduce it any more. Please.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

justcanthavenicethings
Honey, where'd I leave the burner key again?

Couldn’t help but think of this song - “Prisoners of Their Hairdos” by Christine Lavin: