Is It Time to Acknowledge Chris Messina in the Canon of Chrises?

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Chris Messina is an undeniably handsome man whose status as a Would is irrefutable. Last night at the Golden Globe Awards, he showed up on the red carpet with a new hairdo and a fresh attitude, making a strong case for his entry into the canon of famous white Chrises.


During the red carpet telecast, Messina debuted two new additions to his already very attractive appearance: a salt and pepper beard and a freshly bleached head of hair. Usually, a man bleaching his hair to me signals the start of some sort of personal crisis or an attempt to distract from hair loss. Pete Davidson’s blonde hair was the harbinger of his meteoric rise to infamy; Adam Levine once dyed his hair blonde for reasons I will never understand. Perhaps Messina looked in the mirror one day and realized that if his hair was blonde, we’d all be able to focus on his kind, twinkling eyes, and the aforementioned salt and pepper beard. The thought process is not what interests me the most, but the blonde that sits atop his head like so many soft baby ducklings does. It looks so soft and Messina, underneath that softness, looks hot.

The canon of Hollywood Chrises needs to make room for one more. Let us do away with Chris Pratt; his hotness has been debatable and is now overshadowed by this icy blonde. Chris Pine still claims the throne, but his grip is tenuous. It could slip. Watch your back.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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capra hircus

It is completely ridiculous to rank Chris Pine ahead of Chris Hemsworth. However, he is a worthy second for sure.

It is also completely ridiculous to even mention Chris Pratt, as his political halitosis far outweighs any standard-run-of-the-mill-white-man-attractiveness he may or may not have. Should have gotten a better publicist or stuck with Amy Poehler, dude.

This Chris pales (and not just because of his matching tooth and hair combo) in comparison to Pine and Hemsworth. I think the bleached hair is a cry for help, something which neither Pine and Hemsworth would ever do, unless it was in along the lines of “hey, superhero feminist goat woman, could you please assist me in the downfall of capitalism? I can’t do it on my own, and the glory of victory should be shared by multiple actors, and you have the power to gather the collective.”

I should be working.