Navigating the Uncertainty of Brad Pitt and Emrata’s Alleged Romance

It’s fall. The days are getting shorter; the nights, longer. Murmurs of “cuffing season” carry in the whipping winds. Somewhere, according to Page Six, genderless skincare guru Brad Pitt is “not officially dating” model Emily Ratajkowski. An anonymous source, however, ominously advises us to “stay tuned.” Tonight we will go to sleep not sure if the world will be different when we wake up.

How does one pass the time in moments of unprecedented uncertainty like this? I’d say the best thing to do is hold your loved ones close. Go on long walks and savor the views. Tuck your kids into bed and tell them it will be alright, even if you don’t know when or even if Brad Pitt and Emrata will ever make things official, or even be photographed together for our speculative pleasure.

Your kids might have questions about this grey area situation, and that is understandable. I’d recommend telling them exactly what a Hollywood insider told Page Six: “People have been speculating about this for a while. Brad is not dating anybody. They [Pitt and Ratajkowski] have been seen a couple times together.”

I, for one, have questions like:

• Is Emrata ready to date after her recent divorce from a random, mediocre man who inexplicably cheated on her?
• Does the Bullet Train actor have time in his schedule to date an international supermodel while he runs a winery and genderless skincare line made with his own grapes?
• Is Emrata aware of Pitt’s ex, Angelina Jolie, counter-suing him over the winery?
• Emrata has weighed in on the Adam Levine cheating discourse, but not Pitt’s winery? Does she hate wine?
• Why do I know so much about Pitt’s winery?
• Has Brad Pitt found any buried treasure on his winery?
• When does “seeing someone” morph into dating?

That last question is the spookiest of all. I’d advise ruminating on it only in environments where you feel safe and supported. The gray area before “dating” and after “talking” can suck in people even as beautiful and famous as Brad Pitt and Emrata. It is courtship quicksand.

Should two of the world’s hottest people decide to date, there is a cute couple’s name waiting for them: “Embrada,” which I’d say is slightly easier to pronounce than Page Six’s terrible suggestion, “Bratajkowsi.” For now the moniker remains unused, collecting dust. Stay safe, but more importantly, stay tuned.