My Wife's New Boyfriend, Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt’s new girlfriend Nicole Poturalski is supposedly married and in an open relationship, Page Six claims. That’s fine! I think these two horny lovebirds can do whatever they like, especially after his precious heart was (maybe) broken by Alia Shawkat and her bike.

Sources tell the outlet that Poturalski’s husband, German restaurateur Roland Mary, is on his fourth marriage and doesn’t really care what she does. “They are still married, but you could describe their relationship as an ‘open marriage.’ He has been married several times and has five children.” Most importantly, “He is not interested in negativity or jealousy.” He’s a vibes guy! This all makes sense now.

Allegedly, Pitt first met Poturalski at Mary’s restaurant Borschardt in Berlin last summer, when they first started hooking up. They even attended a Kanye West concert together, which really complicates his supposed not-relationship timeline with Alia Shawkat, who spent much of the last year riding her little bike over to pad so they could “collaborate” on “art projects,” though she has always said they are “just friends,” and at the time, I insisted they weren’t dating. But it’s fun to speculate: What if it was all just an open “whatever,” like his new relationship with Poturalski?

Again, it doesn’t really matter what Brad Pitt chooses to do in his love life. I just think its sort of neat that he went from Alia Shawkat sometimes riding her bike to his mansion, to… well, this! Imagine being Roland Mary right now. What a flex: “This is my wife’s boyfriend, Brad Pitt.”